Paleo Banana Nut Muffin(top)

You know how you have those friends who you go weeks...months...YEARS without talking to, but when you finally do catch up, it's like no time has passed at all?? Well, the internet is NOTHING like that. 

The internet is like that fickle, easily distracted, slightly crazy friend you have. You know who I mean: the one who texts things like "who is this? I got a new phone and lost all my contacts" but you know is lying because what really happened was they deleted you from their contacts when you didn't respond to that text they sent you that one time within 5 minutes. That's the internet. And that's okay. That's what allows you to be obsessed with a blog one minute and then turn on it the next. And that's what allows me to drift in and out of blogging when my REAL LIFE decides to happen. 

Since I left you last, I've built a house, moved into said house, quit my job, and begun a new one. Also, I'm pregnant.

KIDDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We are not pregnant. At all. I'm just rockin' a hardcore muffin top y'all, which is exactly why I decided to make these paleo banana nut muffins this weekend.

I've been really lazy in the kitchen the past few months. Maybe it was the onslaught of holiday feasting, or the stress of packing ALL THE THINGS, but my Instagram feed tells the story of many an indulgent dinner out, lots of dairy-based Starbucks drinks, and oodles of champagne, because I have no willpower.

And so, with a new kitchen (complete with a herringbone mirrored tile backsplash), I'm finally feeling inspired to whip up some paleo-approved meals once again. Taking such a long hiatus really sprung a leak in my creativity bucket, so while I'm getting back in the groove of this whole invent-cook-document-repeat thing, I figured I'd kick things off with a tried and true recipe from my blog name twin, PaleOMG.

It's such a simple recipe with ingredients most paleo kitchens will have on hand: coconut flour, almond flour, bananas, a few Enjoy Life chocolate chips. And it packs a big punch right in the face of gluten cravings. So I think you'll like it.

Because every muffin top needs a delicious muffin.

Paleo Banana Nut Muffins (adapted from PaleOMG)

Makes 12 muffins

• 3 bananas, mashed with a fork
• 3 eggs, whisked
• 1/4 cup maple syrup (more or less depending on your preferred sweetness)
• 1 tsp vanilla extract
• 1/2 cup creamy almond butter
• 1/4 cup coconut flour
• 1/4 tsp cinnamon
• 1/4 tsp nutmeg
• 1/2 tsp baking soda
• 1/2 tsp baking powder
• pinch of salt
• 1/4 - 1/2 cup chopped pecans (or whatever nut you like)
• 1/2 cup Enjoy Life chips

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

2. Line a cupcake pan with muffin liners.

3. Mash bananas in a large bowl. Add remaining wet ingredients (eggs, maple syrup, vanilla, almond butter) and mix well.

4. Add dry ingredients (flour, spices, soda, powder, salt) and until combined.

5. Fold in pecans and chocolate chips.

6. Fill muffin liners 3/4 full (an ice cream scoop works well for this).

7. Bake 25 minutes and cool completely before eating (I promise, they come out of the liners better this way!)

Paleo Bacon Pancakes

Paleo pancakes are as much an oxymoron as monokinis, cool summer night, or "tasteful wallpaper", and yet, they are one of the most popular paleo dishes. It seems like anyone new to the paleo diet kicks off their new lifestyle with one of the millions of recipes for pancakes (yours truly is author of two, here and here), so I almost feel bad sharing this recipe with you, except for the fact that they ARE DELICIOUS AND EASY AND HAVE BACONOMG! IN THEM!!!!!! 

The two variations on paleo pancakes I've made in the past weren't particularly difficult, but they did require a little patience. This recipe, however, that Megan and I created when I visited her in Roanoke this weekend (more to come from that trip!), requires little to no skill to put together, which was integral considering we consumed like, 5 liquor drinks the night before as part of her wedding reception cocktail tasting.

I mean, whether you eat paleo or not, you're probably gonna eat bacon with your pancakes anyway--why not just throw them in the batter to begin with?? Listen, you've got a lot going on...you don't have time to pick up bacon and chew it and then pick up your knife and fork and eat a bite of pancake separately! Be good to yourself and just put your bacon in your pancake from the get-go. You deserve it.

If you don't like bacon are a crazy person, you could leave the bacon out, but like, just don't. That said, we just put strips down the middle of them, but you could always dice the bacon and toss it into the batter that way, too, but then you're adding the extra step of, ya know, dicing.

Even Rocky needed in on the bacon/pancake action. Megan ultimately threw him a bone (i.e., strip of bacon).

Paleo Bacon Pancakes

Makes 4 large pancakes

• 2 ripe bananas
• 3 eggs
• 3 Tbsp. coconut flour
• 1 tsp vanilla extract
• 1/4 tsp baking soda
• pinch of salt
• dash of cinnamon
• 2 strips of bacon, cut in half (or 4 whole slices if you're in beast mode)

1. In a pan over medium heat, cook bacon until crispy. Do not drain the fat.

2. While bacon cooks, put bananas in food processor; pulse until pureed completely.

3. Add eggs, flour, vanilla extract, baking soda, salt, and cinnamon to bananas and continue to pulse until everything is pureed and smooth.

4. Using a spoon or ladle, pour batter on top of bacon strip. Cook until the pancake set enough on the bottom to flip--about 4-8 minutes depending on your stovetop. Then, like, cook on the other side. Obviously.

5. Serve warm, with quality maple syrup if you like.

Faux-tmeal (Paleo "Oatmeal")

**I never include disclaimers on my posts, but I've gotten an inordinate number of comments from lots of people who are offended by my use of "language" in this post. Spoiler alert: I say god damn. If that offends you, leave now and never come back, because really, it only gets worst from here. Do not leave me a comment asking if it's necessary to use this language in a recipe post, because I will not publish it. And in answer to your question: Yes. Yes it's fucking necessary.**

Before going Paleo, I loved oatmeal. My mom used to make me steel cut oats with brown sugar and cinnamon, and we sometimes topped it with heavy cream when we were feeling spunky. God damn it was a delicious way to eat Oliver Twist-ian gruel! Until just a few years ago, I continued to eat oatmeal regularly for breakfast, despite the fact that it sometimes tore my stomach to shreds. It was just worth it! 

Since becoming Paleo, I've obviously eliminated grains (including oatmeal) from my diet, but some days, I feel like I will literally vomit all over myself if I have to eat another breakfast of eggs and bacon.  And so, here we are: my answer to a grain/oat-free Paleo breakfast with nary an egg or strip of bacon in sight. 

I present to you, faux-tmeal.

I'm a big Sunday meal-prepper, which means I like to cook ALL THE FOOD on Sunday so we can basically just reheat and eat throughout the week, because, let's face it, cooking is a real bitch sometimes, so this faux-tmeal is a perfect addition to my weekly rotation. You can make a huge vat of this stuff and then dole it out into separate containers for breakfast (or a tasty dessert).

So what's in this magical, grain-free "faux-tmeal" you ask? 

Two words: Acorn squash. BELIEVE IT HUNNY!!!!!!!!

Acorn squash, unsweetened coconut flakes, and coconut milk make up this delicious dupe. Seasoned with a few spices and topped with goodies like nuts and berries and you'll be transported to the age of 82, when you can only eat foods safe for denture wearers. 

This "faux-tmeal" isn't as chewy as the oatmeal you're used to (unless of course you're used to that shit that comes in a packet with names like "Fruit and Cream"--spoiler alert...that's not real fruit!), but the coconut does give it a really satisfying texture regardless.

Anyone else a fan of oatmeal? What do you eat when bacon and eggs just isn't cutting it anymore?

Faux-tmeal (Paleo Oatmeal)

Makes about 6 servings

• 1 medium acorn squash
• 1/3 can coconut milk (more if you're squash is large)
• 1/3 cup of unsweeted shredded coconut or coconut flakes
• 1 Tbsp. cinnamon
• 1 tsp. groung ginger
• 2 tsp. honey (optional)

1. Pre-heat oven to 400 degrees F. 

2. Slice acorn squash in half. Fill a roasting pan about 1" deep with water, then place the squash halves flesh-side down into water and roast for about 45 minutes to an hour, or until flesh is very soft. 

3. Scrape out seeds and discard. 

4. Spoon out squash into a saucepan. Add coconut milk, coconut flakes, and seasonings and cook over medium heat until well incorporated.

5. Using a potato masher or hand blender, puree squash slightly so there are no large chunks (this isn't a puree, but you want to blend down the fibers). It should be relatively thick, so if it's not, try adding more shredded coconut and/or coconut milk.

6. Top with nuts, shredded coconut, coconut milk, or berries. Serve hot!

New Year's Resolutions are Stupid, Paleo Breakfast Sausage is Awesome

I don't make resolutions. Mayyyynnnnn, fuck that shit. It seems like every blogger signed some kind of blogger bill touting this the "List All Your Un-Maintainable New Year's Resolutions On Your Blog" week. And I wasn't havin' none of it. Kinda like how the Senate finally got to business on the Fiscal Cliff issue and my girl Hillz was all "suck it you guys, I'm in the hospital!" (HUGE sigh of relief when she was able to leave yesterday, btw!) She's been telling them for weeks to get their act together. Ain't nobody got time for dat!

You know what I do do, though? I make food. You know what else I do? I think about losing weight. You know what ELSE I do? Sometimes, I even make food to help me lose weight.

With our wedding approaching quickly (we set a June date--I'll be sharing Save the Dates soon!), I have to get in the best shape of my life. LIFE I TELL YA! So, despite how much I loathe, and I mean loatheeeeeeeeeeeee, the word "paleo," it is how I'm eating to get in wedding shape. Specifically, strict or "real" "paleo." I use quotes to suggest these things allegedly, let's be clear. That means only meat, vegetables (except the obvious no-no's like corn and potatoes), nuts and seeds, and some fruit. I won't be allowing myself cheese or sour cream or honey or anything. It's gonna be the worst y'all. The absolute effing worst. But I'm gonna be so skinz and feel pretty good about myself, so it'll be worth it. The silver lining? Sausage.

I love sausage. Dare I say, I prefer it to bacon. It's true! But I don't buy sausage very often because it's usually loaded with all kinds of horrible preservatives, soy, gluten, and sugar. But it turns out, you can make your own, and not only is it super delicious, it's also incredibly simple to whip up. We're talking mere minutes!

I obviously chose to make it into patties, but you could just as easily toss it into eggs for an omelet or whatever you want. I don't know, man! I don't make the sausage rules!!

It should make sticking to your resolution to eat healthy and work out more last a good 8 minutes longer than it would otherwise.

Paleo Breakfast Sausage
Makes 11 patties

• 1 lb. ground pork
• 1 tsp. fennel
• 1 tsp. paprika
• 1 tsp. salt
• 1/2 tsp. pepper
• 1/2 tsp. sage
• 1/4 tsp. garlic powder
• 1/4 tsp. cayenne (optional)

In a medium bowl, combine pork and spices by hand until all the spices are well incorporated. Then, do whatever the hell with them. I used an ice scream scoop to portion out the meat and then smashed them a little bit to make patties. I then cooked them in a pan over medium heat until they were brown on both sides and cooked through (about 2 minutes per side). 

How Are There Not More Nut Flour-Baked-Goods-Related Choking Deaths??

After I graduated from college, I lived by myself for about 3 years. During that time, I developed many neuroses only someone who's lived entirely alone could understand--always check behind the shower curtain before you pee in case a murderer is waiting to kill you...from the bathtub; when walking home late at night, wedge your house key between your fingers so that if someone tries to attack you, you can stab their eyes out Kill Bill style...using merely a key; etc. For some reason, most of my neuroses revolved around being murdered or attacked, but not all of them. The worst and most pervasive of all them became my fear of choking to death in my apartment and being left to rot for god knows how long, since because of my allergies, I don't even have a cat who might eat part of my remains in the wake. 

My fear is fairly irrational, I realize. I've only had one close call with choking and it was during lunch with friends. They didn't even realize I was choking. In retrospect, I might not have been, but that's not the point!! I was pretty sure I was choking, and it was terrifying. So occasionally, when I take an unusually large bite of something or I'm eating alone, I can't help but get that nagging feeling that my food just might not make its way down my throat and successfully into my stomach. I had a similar feeling eating these gluten free, dairy free biscuits this weekend.

Now hold on...I don't mean to suggest these primal biscuits are BAD, per se. Actually they're not. But because they're made with coconut flour and almond flour, they're really really dense, which means you should not eat these on their own. What you should do is smother them in this primal, gluten free, dairy free sausage gravy:

I don't know what's gotten me onto this breakfast kick, but I've been trying to reinvent many of my favorite childhood meals into grain/dairy/sugar free delights. I know I said that I prefer sweet breakfast items last time, but the truth is, that goes entirely out the window when biscuits and gravy enter the picture. My mom would make the lightest, butteriest biscuits (from scratch) and top them with the creamiest, thickest white sausage gravy, a Texas specialty. And while these aren't ever going to replace her biscuits and gravy recipe, it's a pretty damn good substitute for the real thing.

Despite the fact that the biscuits are as dense as they are, the gravy soaks into the biscuit, making them fluffy enough that you don't have to be freaked out about choking, even if you do live alone. It also makes them so SO delicious!

What kind of weird neuroses do you have? Is anyone else as freaked out about choking as me?? And how do you feel about biscuits and gravy??

Primal Biscuits and Gravy
Makes 6 biscuits and lots of gravy
Adapted from Robb Wolf

For the Biscuits

• 1/2 cup coconut flour
• 1/4 cup almond flour
• 1/2 tsp salt
• 1 tsp baking powder
• 1 1/2 Tbsp cold grass-fed butter (coconut oil is fine)
• 6 egg whites
• 1 tsp coconut oil

1. Preheat oven to 400 degrees F. Line a cookie sheet with parchment paper and lightly brush with coconut oil to prevent sticking.

2. Put all dry ingredients into a food processor with butter (or oil) and pulse until butter is the size of peas--the mixture will still be dry.

3. Using a hand mixer, whisk egg whites in a large bowl until frothy, NOT soft peaks.

4. Add flour mixture to egg whites and gently fold until just combined.

5. Using an ice cream scoop, make 6 biscuits (they'll be smaller than a regular biscuit). You might have to flatten the tops with your fingers.

6. Bake for about 15 minutes or until golden brown on top. 

For the Gravy

• 8-10 oz. country style pork sausage
• 2 Tbsp arrowroot powder
• 1 can coconut milk, shaken
• 1/4 tsp fennel seeds
• 1 tsp dried, rubbed sage
• 1/2 tsp pepper
• 1/4 tsp salt (or more to taste)

1. In a large non stick skillet, brown sausage over medium high heat. Once it's cooked through, remove sausage from pan with a slotted spoon and save for later, leaving the fat and any brown bits in the pan.

2. Turn heat down to medium and add arrowroot powder. Immediately begin whisking arrowroot powder with the fat and continue to whisk for about a minute to prevent burning. The mixture will become very thick. You're making roux (pronounced "roo"), good for you!

3. Add coconut milk, about 1/3 can at a time, whisking milk entirely into arrowroot and fat mixture until entirely incorporated. The mixture will loosen up and then tighten up, but by the time you add all the milk, it will definitely be gravy!

4. Add fennel, sage, pepper, and salt. Taste and adjust seasonings, then add sausage back into the gravy to warm it through before topping biscuits.

Uptight Lady's Strata

Have you seen The Family Stone? It's this amazing movie with SJP and Luke Wilson. Oh, Diane Keaton is in it too. And Rachel McAdams. Claire Danes is in it too, but who cares? Anyway, it's this movie centered around Christmastime (hello, seasonal reference!) and Diane Keaton's matriarch character intimidating SJP's tightly wound Meredith, would-be fiance of eldest Stone boy, Everett. Anyway, it's an emotional rollercoaster of...emotions. You'll laugh, you'll cry--you'll UGLY cry. It's serious. Seriously.

Anyway, there's a scene in the movie where SJP's relentless efforts to be accepted into the Stone family result in her attempt to make the perfect Christmas morning breakfast: The Morton family strata.

When I saw this movie, I had no idea what a strata was, but from Meredith's Martha Stewart-esque description, it's basically a fancy way of saying "breakfast casserole." I mean, it's eggs, some cheese, meat, and, in this case, stars of bread. My mom used to make something really similar, minus the star-shaped bread (we just tore it into chunks). Breakfast casserole was a kind of special treat in our house, like french toast or extended curfews, so we didn't have it often, but when we did, I generally had a serving, or three.

Even though I've brainwashed myself on the evils of bread and all things glutenous, I still find myself craving breakfast casserole, especially on the weekends. It's incredibly easy to pull together, serves a ton, and, of course tasty. So this weekend, I "challenged" myself to make a paleo version. I use the word "challenge" loosely, as my idea of making something with bread or potatoes paleo is to swap it out for cauliflower. And so that's exactly what I did.

When you're making a breakfast casserole, think of ingredients you would use in an omelet, since basically this is just a giant pan of omelet. I used onions, mushrooms, sausage, sage, and goat cheese.

 It was basically delicious.

Breakfast Casserole (otherwise known as Uptight Lady's Strata)*
Makes 9 large servings

• 12 eggs
• 1/2 head of cauliflower, cut into small chunks
• 1/2 pound pork sausage
• 1 yellow onion, diced
• A couple handfuls of mushrooms
• A few fresh sage leaves
• Goat cheese
• salt and pepper to taste

1.) Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.

2.) In a pan, saute diced onion in olive oil or butter until translucent. Add sausage to brown. Set aside. 

3.) In a medium sized bowl, whisk eggs with salt, pepper, and chopped sage. Pour onion and sausage mixture and mushrooms into a 9x13 inch casserole dish, then add the cauliflower. Pour whisked eggs on top of that. Top with crumbled goat cheese.

4.) Bake for 20 minutes, or until eggs have set.

*You can use any combination of ingredients here. Try green chilies, spicy chorizo and mozzarella for a southwestern flavor or artichokes, sundried tomatoes, and feta for a Mediterranean flavor. The sky's the limit! And don't let any uptight lady's tell ya any differently!