I'm Bringin' Avocados Back: Orange Stuffed Avocados

"Avocados are SO 2014," is what you would say if you never came across this blog post, but you won't, because I just catapulted this fatty berry into the year 2015.

For too long, we passionate paleo (or substitute your less annoying word here) practitioners have been boxed into the guacamole corner, sucking at the teet of avocado toast and Jack White's rigorous, albeit delicious, rider demands, but NO MORE, friends!!! For today, we put avocados back upon the pedestal that bacon once so brazenly took from them. Today, I present to you, the stuffed avocado:

Okay, so it's not that new I guess. And yes, guacamole ought to be its own food group. But let's face it: sometimes, you fall into an avocado rut, what with all the halving, the seeding, the peeling. WHAT DOES THIS FRUIT WANT FROM ME???? It's easy to say "fuck it, I'm slicing this bitch and topping my salad with it."

But if you have just a few extra minutes, and slightly more patience than an Oscar ceremony orchestra pit during the Best Sound Editing acceptance speech, then you'll understand what I mean when I say GURRRRRRLLLLLL, let's do this!!

This take has big, fresh Asian flavors, with only a few ingredients. I'll list the "recipe" below, but I use the term loosely, as you can modify this as much as you want depending on what you like (for example, I'm a spicy wimp, but if you're real into it, might I suggest some crushed red pepper flake or a little wasabi??). 

Now, all avocado needs to make its comeback complete is a surprise appearance in a public forum with Katy Perry! I think this year's VMAs would be appropriate.

Orange Stuffed Avocados

Serves 1

• 1 ripe Haas Avocado, sliced in half and pit removed
• 1 Navel orange, segmented
• 1 tsp fish sauce
• 1 lime
• coupla green onions
• salted peanuts 

In a bowl, combine the orange, fish sauce, and lime. Fill avocado halves with orange mixture and top with green onions and peanuts. YOU WIN LIFE NOW.

Seafood Chowder and Life Goals

Like many double-X chromosome carriers, I played with Barbies as a child. In fact, I pretty much ONLY played with Barbies. The 300+ naked Barbies sitting in a box in my parents attic will attest to that. As an only child, I humored myself for hours and years on end by dressing them up in mini skirts and heels to go on dates with their effeminate boyfriend Ken (we're pretty sure he's gay now, right?). I looked to Barbie as a role model (um, doctor, lawyer, astronaut, rock star? Even Wal-Mart's Chinese factory workers don't plug as much overtime!) and style icon. And so, between my Texan upbringing where women believe "the higher the hair, the closer to God" and other extreme beauty regimens and my my idolization over a genetically impossible plastic doll, I grew into the vain, narcissistic beauty you see today. Which bring me to today's topic of life goals.

Last night, I told Kyle one of my life goals was to own an Hermes Brikin bag. If you're not familiar with them, first of all, they're upwards of $15,000 and made of the highest quality leather and craftsmanship and carried by the upper echelons of society (minus the Kardashians); and secondly, why the hell are you here??

The reality is I have many life goals, some perhaps even more admirable than that of owning a materialistic objet d'art: get married (nearly check), own a home, have children, learn how to ride a bike (maybe), see Italy, etc. But I still want a Birkin bag. 

You know those people who run marathons or do triathlons or whatever else kind of -thons and how to them, doing those -thons makes them feel a sense of accomplishment and like they just really achieved something? I think they were born with some kind of gene that I simply was not. Like, on absolutely NO planet, in any time/space continuum, do I ever have an interest in -thon-ing. To quote Taylor Swift, "Like, ever." It's a concept that makes as much sense to me as why Notre Dame continues to defend its lying and/or rapist football players. I just.don't.get.it. I'm guessing the same people who have made it their life goal to complete some kind of -thon or Iron Man race thingy don't have "Birkin owner" on their life's goal list, so we're even: we just weren't meant to understand each other.

But if you still struggle to see why anyone in their right mind would spend $15,000+ on a bag (need I remind you it's not just any bag...Lisa Van Der Pump owns 20, you guys!!), think of it like this: a middle-aged man, in a financial position to do so, might buy a $80,000+ Porsche or Maserati to fulfill a lifelong childhood dream of driving a James Bond car. But the minute he drives it off the lot, it depreciates in value. Now, on the other hand, a gorgeous, hilarious red-headed woman might shell out $15,000 for a bag, but it will only become more and more valuable, so long as it's well cared for. Not to mention the delight her female heirs will squeal with upon the day they inherit said bag.

So basically, it's the gift that keeps giving. Who can say that about a marathon? No one, guys. No one.

Oh, and also, I made seafood chowder. It was real good. 

Paleo Seafood Chowder (*You can easily sub roasted chicken for the seafood in this dish for more of a "pot pie" flavor)
Makes 8-10 large servings

• 3 Tbsp. ghee or olive oil
• 1 large onion, diced
• 3  cloves garlic, minced
• 3 large carrots, diced
• 1 slice bacon
• 4 cups chicken or seafood stock
• 1 can coconut milk
• 1 Tbsp. fresh parsley, roughly chopped
• 8 oz. wild caught salmon
• 1 lb. white fish (I used Tilapia and Turbot)
• 1 1/2 dozen shrimp
• 2-3 Tbsp Arrowroot powder
• 1 cup frozen peas
• salt & pepper to taste
• cauliflower mash made form 2 heads of cauliflower (recipe)

1. Pre-heat oven to 400 degrees F.

2. In a large pot, saute onion in butter over medium heat until translucent. Add garlic and cook for another minute, until fragrant.

3. Add carrots and bacon and cook until the fat renders out of the bacon and carrots soften. About 3 minutes.

4. Remove the slice of bacon. Add stock and coconut milk and whisk well to combine. Season with salt and pepper. Bring to a simmer for about 5 minutes.

5. Ladle about a half cup of broth in a small bowl; whisk in 2-3 Tbsp of arrowroot powder until smooth(this will help thicken the broth and avoid creating lumps). Add back to the pot.

6. Add parsley, fish, and peas and simmer for 2-3 minutes. (You want the fish slightly undercooked so it doesn't get tough in the oven.)

7. Pour the chowder into a 9x13 rectangle pan and gently spoon mashed cauliflower over the top. Smooth out the topping and place into the oven for about 10 minutes.

8. Turn on broiler and brown the cauliflower for another 2-5 minutes. Let stand for a few minutes before serving.

New Year's Resolutions are Stupid, Paleo Breakfast Sausage is Awesome

I don't make resolutions. Mayyyynnnnn, fuck that shit. It seems like every blogger signed some kind of blogger bill touting this the "List All Your Un-Maintainable New Year's Resolutions On Your Blog" week. And I wasn't havin' none of it. Kinda like how the Senate finally got to business on the Fiscal Cliff issue and my girl Hillz was all "suck it you guys, I'm in the hospital!" (HUGE sigh of relief when she was able to leave yesterday, btw!) She's been telling them for weeks to get their act together. Ain't nobody got time for dat!

You know what I do do, though? I make food. You know what else I do? I think about losing weight. You know what ELSE I do? Sometimes, I even make food to help me lose weight.

With our wedding approaching quickly (we set a June date--I'll be sharing Save the Dates soon!), I have to get in the best shape of my life. LIFE I TELL YA! So, despite how much I loathe, and I mean loatheeeeeeeeeeeee, the word "paleo," it is how I'm eating to get in wedding shape. Specifically, strict or "real" "paleo." I use quotes to suggest these things allegedly, let's be clear. That means only meat, vegetables (except the obvious no-no's like corn and potatoes), nuts and seeds, and some fruit. I won't be allowing myself cheese or sour cream or honey or anything. It's gonna be the worst y'all. The absolute effing worst. But I'm gonna be so skinz and feel pretty good about myself, so it'll be worth it. The silver lining? Sausage.

I love sausage. Dare I say, I prefer it to bacon. It's true! But I don't buy sausage very often because it's usually loaded with all kinds of horrible preservatives, soy, gluten, and sugar. But it turns out, you can make your own, and not only is it super delicious, it's also incredibly simple to whip up. We're talking mere minutes!

I obviously chose to make it into patties, but you could just as easily toss it into eggs for an omelet or whatever you want. I don't know, man! I don't make the sausage rules!!

It should make sticking to your resolution to eat healthy and work out more last a good 8 minutes longer than it would otherwise.

Paleo Breakfast Sausage
Makes 11 patties

• 1 lb. ground pork
• 1 tsp. fennel
• 1 tsp. paprika
• 1 tsp. salt
• 1/2 tsp. pepper
• 1/2 tsp. sage
• 1/4 tsp. garlic powder
• 1/4 tsp. cayenne (optional)

In a medium bowl, combine pork and spices by hand until all the spices are well incorporated. Then, do whatever the hell with them. I used an ice scream scoop to portion out the meat and then smashed them a little bit to make patties. I then cooked them in a pan over medium heat until they were brown on both sides and cooked through (about 2 minutes per side). 

Paleo Shepherd's Pie, Minus the Shepherd Part

Kyle and I started watching Boss a few nights ago OnDemand. Right now, we're on episode 5 and I'm sorry, but this show is fighting hard to be qualified as pornography. HARD. Who's seen it??? I mean, am I right, or am I right? I bring this up to make the point that Kyle has just started another episode as I attempt to slap up another delicious paleo recipe for you, so I'm gonna make this one quick.

This is your basic sherpherd's pie recipe, only topped with mashed cauliflower instead of potatoes. There's absolutely no difference in taste. There's only one word that comes to mind to describe this dish: incroyable! Zut alors! Literally, there just isn't a word in the English language that adequately describes it, so there you go.

If you brush a little egg wash on top of the mashed cauliflower and then broil it, it creates this rustic, golden topping. Besides, we all know the best part is always the golden brown stuff.

I served this with a lighter side of marinated cucumbers and tomatoes (balsamic vinegar, olive oil, dill, salt and pepper), because I figured if I eat a cold weather main dish, I might as well eat a summer side dish. I'M CRAZY LIKE THAT, YOU GUYS!!!!!

Technically, there's no lamb--I don't know how that's a technicality, since like, you either did or did not use lamb, but everyone's butchering the English language these days, and if you'll remember above, sometimes I don't even use it--since I used beef but whatever. I think Shepherd's Pie is kind of like risotto: it's more a style of cooking rather than a thing itself. Or something. I dunno, I'm multitasking right now. And quite badly, I might admit.

Here's what I do know: Make this dish. You'll love it.

Especially those little crusty brown bits.

Paleo Shepherd's Pie, Minus the Shepherd Part
Makes about 9 servings

• 1 1/2 lb ground beef (or meat of your choice)
• 2 Tbsp Olive Oil
• 1/2 large yellow onion, finely chopped
• 3-4 cloves of garlic, finely minced
• 3 medium carrots, finely diced
• 3 stalks of celery, finely diced
• 3/4 cup of frozen peas
• 1 tsp dried oregano
• 1 Tbsp Worcestershire sauce
• 1 small can tomato past
• handful of fresh parsley, finely chopped

• 1 large head cauliflower, chopped into large chunks
• 2 Tbsp butter (optional)
• 1/2 cup of canned coconut milk
• salt and pepper to taste
• 1 egg (for egg wash)

1. Preheat your oven to 400 degrees F.

2. In a large pan, heat olive oil over medium and saute onion with a pinch of salt until soft and translucent. 

3. Add garlic and saute another two minutes, then add carrots and celery. Saute until carrots soften, then add peas.

4. Add beef to veggie mixture and brown on medium high. Season with salt, pepper, Worcestershire, and oregano. Stir to incorporate.

5. Add tomato paste and mix until it slightly melts and absorbs into the meat. Add chopped parsley and stir to combine. Turn heat down to low to make the mashed cauliflower.

6. In a large pot, steam cauliflower until tender. About 10 minutes. 

7. Drain cauliflower.

8. Put cauliflower back in the pot with the butter, coconut milk, and salt and pepper. Using either a hand masher or an immersion blender, mash until the cauliflower is smooth. You may need to add more milk.

9. Once the cauliflower is prepared, spoon the meat mixture into a square casserole dish (you can use a larger rectangle, but your filling will be thinner). Then, either spoon or, using an icing tip, pipe the mashed cauliflower on top of the meat. Make sure you create lots of peaks and crevasses--these are what will brown in the oven. 

10. Lightly beat the egg, then very lightly brush over the mashed cauliflower.

11. Bake the pie for about 10-15 minutes. Then turn on your broiler and broil another 2-3 minutes, or until topping is lightly golden and brown. Serve warm.

Caulif-redo Sauce (A.K.A. Paleo Alfredo Sauce)

I pretend to be a lot of things: professional; a blogger; interested in whatever it is that you're saying; but one of the things I do not pretend to be is classy, so it's no surprise that when I eat pasta (which is never because I eat Paleo all the time, I swearrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr omgyeahright), I want it topped with smothered in creamy, cheesy Alfredo sauce. Oh, you made a tomato sauce with fresh basil that you grew in your organic garden? Gimmie that Alfredo sauce!! But with oodles of heavy cream and cheese, classic Alfredo sauce isn't really Paleo friendly. 

Even if you could give two shits about Paleo, I guarantee you think of Alfredo sauce as "fat food," in which case, you should all be relieved to hear that the unclassiest of sauces can now be waistline and tastebud friendly with the help of my all-time favorite Paleo ingredient: Cauliflower. 

I mean, I don't have kids or anything (and if Child Protective Services has anything to do with it, I never will), but like, I woud just BET if you slathered some kind of vegetable that young'uns typically sneer at, like, say, brussel sprouts with this Caulif-redo sauce, they'd gobble it right up.

Or if you'd prefer to eat it more similarly to pasta, you can do what Kyle and I did last night and drizzle it over a bowl of chicken, sauteed mushrooms, and steamed broccoli. Dare I say, any added pasta would only have stood in the way of this deliciousness!!

I know some of you Paleo peeps can be all over the map when it comes to cheese, but look, there's cheese in this recipe, okay? It's not that much (about 3 Tbsp. of parmesan in the entire batch, which is close to 20 oz. BTW, that's a complete guess. I don't know anything about servings, but it makes a lot), but if you don't like it, just leave it out alright??? IMO, you totally need the parm since that's what gives it the Alfredo-y flavor, but do what you gotta do.

 And what you gotta do is make this!

 I mean, come ON!!!!!!

What kind of sauce do you like? Are you gonna try to make this Alfredo sauce with cauliflower?? What else can you use Alfredo with??

Caulif-redo Sauce
Makes several cups

• 1 head of cauliflower, cored and chopped into large chunks
• 2 Tbsp. olive oil
• 1 shallot, minced
• 1 cup chicken broth
• 3 Tbsp. shredded parmesan
• 1/4 cup canned coconut milk
• salt/pepper to taste
• pinch of nutmeg

1. Steam cauliflower until fork-tender. 

2. While cauliflower steams, heat olive oil over medium low heat in a small pot. Add shallot and saute for a few minutes, then add chicken broth and heat through.

3. Add cauliflower, shallot/broth mixture, and remaining ingredients to a blender. Blend until smooth and creamy. Add more coconut milk if needed.

4. Serve over ANYTHING!!!!

Paleo Sweet Potato Casserole (and the Rest of Sunday Dinner)

Sunday is a big cooking day at Casa de la CupcakesOMG! It's when I go shopping for the next 4 days of paleo meals and do little more than stand in the kitchen and cook for 6 hours, wash my hair, and watch Drop Dead Diva. By the end of it, I'm pretty much in no mood to make an entirely separate meal to celebrate the end of a day of what should be rest. However, this Sunday, Kyle and I had company for dinner and we wanted to do something a bit more special. Perhaps inspired by our recent trip to Texas, Kyle was all aflutter at the prospect of making pulled pork, so that's what he did while I whipped up my favorite mayo-less cole slaw and a new recipe for sweet potato casserole. And of course, it was all entirely paleo.

 As a kid Even now, my favorite part about the sweet potato casserole at Thanksgiving was the toasted marshmallow topping. I would eat just the marshmallows and my grandmother would add more to the potatoes and toast them again because I liked them so much. So okay, we're agreed that marshmallows have about as much nutritional value as a tank of gas, which is why I subbed in a cinnamon maple pecan topping instead.

Four gigantic sweet potatoes later, whipped with some coocnut milk, spices, maple syrup, and a toasted pecan topping and your new paleo-improved side dish is complete!

Kyle's cousin Brooke made dessert--homemade peach ice cream made with grassfed cream, roasted peaches, egg yolks, and maple syrup. I mean, it was G.D. incredible y'all!

Sweet Potato Casserole
Makes a ton (i.e., 12 servings-ish)

• 4 large sweet potatoes
• 1/2 cup canned coconut milk
• 1 Tbsp. coconut oil
• 1-2 Tbsp. maple syrup
• 1 tsp cinnamon
• 1/2 tsp nutmeg
• juice of half an orange

Pecan topping

• 3/4 cup chopped raw pecans
• 1 tsp cinnamon
• 1 Tbsp maple syrup
• 1 tsp melted coconut oil

1. Bring a large pot of water to a boil and preheat oven to 350 degrees F. While water comes to a boil, peel and dice sweet potatoes into large chunks.

2. Add sweet potato chunks to water. Boil until fork tender--about 10 minutes.

3. Drain potatoes, then dump them back in the large pot with all the other ingredients. Using a hand mixer, blend until potatoes reach desired consistency and flavor. (You may like to add a little more coconut milk, spices, or syrup based on your taste.)

4. In a small bowl, combine all topping ingredients until pecans are well coated.

5. Dump sweet potatoes into an oven safe dish and top with pecans.

6. Bake in preheated oven until topping is browned--about 15 minutes. Serve warm.