I'm Bringin' Avocados Back: Orange Stuffed Avocados

"Avocados are SO 2014," is what you would say if you never came across this blog post, but you won't, because I just catapulted this fatty berry into the year 2015.

For too long, we passionate paleo (or substitute your less annoying word here) practitioners have been boxed into the guacamole corner, sucking at the teet of avocado toast and Jack White's rigorous, albeit delicious, rider demands, but NO MORE, friends!!! For today, we put avocados back upon the pedestal that bacon once so brazenly took from them. Today, I present to you, the stuffed avocado:

Okay, so it's not that new I guess. And yes, guacamole ought to be its own food group. But let's face it: sometimes, you fall into an avocado rut, what with all the halving, the seeding, the peeling. WHAT DOES THIS FRUIT WANT FROM ME???? It's easy to say "fuck it, I'm slicing this bitch and topping my salad with it."

But if you have just a few extra minutes, and slightly more patience than an Oscar ceremony orchestra pit during the Best Sound Editing acceptance speech, then you'll understand what I mean when I say GURRRRRRLLLLLL, let's do this!!

This take has big, fresh Asian flavors, with only a few ingredients. I'll list the "recipe" below, but I use the term loosely, as you can modify this as much as you want depending on what you like (for example, I'm a spicy wimp, but if you're real into it, might I suggest some crushed red pepper flake or a little wasabi??). 

Now, all avocado needs to make its comeback complete is a surprise appearance in a public forum with Katy Perry! I think this year's VMAs would be appropriate.

Orange Stuffed Avocados

Serves 1

• 1 ripe Haas Avocado, sliced in half and pit removed
• 1 Navel orange, segmented
• 1 tsp fish sauce
• 1 lime
• coupla green onions
• salted peanuts 

In a bowl, combine the orange, fish sauce, and lime. Fill avocado halves with orange mixture and top with green onions and peanuts. YOU WIN LIFE NOW.

Paleo Banana Nut Muffin(top)

You know how you have those friends who you go weeks...months...YEARS without talking to, but when you finally do catch up, it's like no time has passed at all?? Well, the internet is NOTHING like that. 

The internet is like that fickle, easily distracted, slightly crazy friend you have. You know who I mean: the one who texts things like "who is this? I got a new phone and lost all my contacts" but you know is lying because what really happened was they deleted you from their contacts when you didn't respond to that text they sent you that one time within 5 minutes. That's the internet. And that's okay. That's what allows you to be obsessed with a blog one minute and then turn on it the next. And that's what allows me to drift in and out of blogging when my REAL LIFE decides to happen. 

Since I left you last, I've built a house, moved into said house, quit my job, and begun a new one. Also, I'm pregnant.

KIDDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We are not pregnant. At all. I'm just rockin' a hardcore muffin top y'all, which is exactly why I decided to make these paleo banana nut muffins this weekend.

I've been really lazy in the kitchen the past few months. Maybe it was the onslaught of holiday feasting, or the stress of packing ALL THE THINGS, but my Instagram feed tells the story of many an indulgent dinner out, lots of dairy-based Starbucks drinks, and oodles of champagne, because I have no willpower.

And so, with a new kitchen (complete with a herringbone mirrored tile backsplash), I'm finally feeling inspired to whip up some paleo-approved meals once again. Taking such a long hiatus really sprung a leak in my creativity bucket, so while I'm getting back in the groove of this whole invent-cook-document-repeat thing, I figured I'd kick things off with a tried and true recipe from my blog name twin, PaleOMG.

It's such a simple recipe with ingredients most paleo kitchens will have on hand: coconut flour, almond flour, bananas, a few Enjoy Life chocolate chips. And it packs a big punch right in the face of gluten cravings. So I think you'll like it.

Because every muffin top needs a delicious muffin.

Paleo Banana Nut Muffins (adapted from PaleOMG)

Makes 12 muffins

• 3 bananas, mashed with a fork
• 3 eggs, whisked
• 1/4 cup maple syrup (more or less depending on your preferred sweetness)
• 1 tsp vanilla extract
• 1/2 cup creamy almond butter
• 1/4 cup coconut flour
• 1/4 tsp cinnamon
• 1/4 tsp nutmeg
• 1/2 tsp baking soda
• 1/2 tsp baking powder
• pinch of salt
• 1/4 - 1/2 cup chopped pecans (or whatever nut you like)
• 1/2 cup Enjoy Life chips

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

2. Line a cupcake pan with muffin liners.

3. Mash bananas in a large bowl. Add remaining wet ingredients (eggs, maple syrup, vanilla, almond butter) and mix well.

4. Add dry ingredients (flour, spices, soda, powder, salt) and until combined.

5. Fold in pecans and chocolate chips.

6. Fill muffin liners 3/4 full (an ice cream scoop works well for this).

7. Bake 25 minutes and cool completely before eating (I promise, they come out of the liners better this way!)

"Paleo No She Didn't": Chicken Zoodle Soup

I know it seems like I'm becoming more of a vlogger, but that's only because I'm becoming more of a vlogger. But I think you guys are up for it. Here's the second episode of Paleo No She Didn't! (In case you haven't already, you can subscribe to my on YouTube here.)

Chicken Zoodle Soup

Makes about 8 servings

• 1 onion, diced
• 2 Tbsp olive oil
• 1 large clove of garlic, minced
• 3-4 carrots, peeled and diced
• 3 stalks celery, diced
• 1 lb. chicken (dark meat), chopped into bite-sized pieces
• 2 bay leaves
• 8 quarts chicken stock
• handful of parsley, roughly chopped
• 1 zucchini, spiralized or peeled into "zoodles"
• salt and pepper to taste

1. Add olive oil to a large pot and turn heat to medium. Add onions and a pinch of salt and sweat for a couple minutes.

2. Add garlic to onion and cook for another minute.

3. Add carrots and celery to onion and garlic. Cook for about 2 minutes.

4. Pour chicken stock over vegetables and bring heat to medium high. Add bay leaves. Cook until veggies soften and are fork tender.

5. Add chicken to soup and cook for about 10 minutes. Taste broth and adjust seasoning to taste.

6. Combine zoodles into soup and allow to cook for another couple minutes.

7. Just before serving, remove bay leaves and add parsley. Serve piping hot!

Paleo Chicken Caulifredo Bake, as Told by Mean Girls

"You guys, this Chicken Caulifredo Bake is so FETCH!"

"Gretchen, stop trying to make 'fetch' happen. It's not going to happen. And also, stop trying to make caulifredo happen. Noone knows what you're talking about anyway."

"Yeah...and why is it white?

"Oh my god, Karen, you can't just go around asking people why their food is white!"

"Well, Regina, since you're trying to lose three pounds, I decided to try this recipe for a Paleo Chicken Caulifredo Bake."

"Whatever, I'm getting cheese fries."

"Regina, I have an idea--let's go to Taco Bell!"

"I can't go to Taco Bell, I'm on an all-carb diet. GOD KAREN, you're so stupid!!"

"Actually, Regina, when you're trying to lose weight (or just get healthy in general), it's better to focus on adding protein and fibrous veggies to your diet, not carbs."

"How do you know that, Cady?"

"Because my mom used to feed the starving kids in Africa these bars full of carbs. I dunno, it was pretty grool."

[puzzled looks]

"I started to say great and then I said cool instead..."

"She's totally right Regina. That's why I made this Chicken Caulifredo Bake. It's these incredible zucchini noodles, shredded chicken, peas, caulifredo sauce, and a paleo biscuit topping!"

"Interesting...where did you find this recipe?"

"This fetch blog, CupcakesOMG! It's not like a regular blog, it's a cool blog."

"Wow, Gretchen, this is actually pretty good."

"Oh my god...really?? I'm so glad you like it. This might be a good time to ask if I can start wearing white gold hoops again...?'

"Boo, you whore! No."

"Get in loser, we're going [grocery] shopping."

Paleo Chicken Caulifredo Bake

Makes about 12 servings

**Shout out to The Road Less Processed on Instragram for the inspiration!

• 1 lb. chicken thighs
• 4-5 large zucchinis
• 1/2 cup frozen peas
• 1-2 cups caulifredo sauce
• 1/2 cup coconut flour
• 3/4 tsp baking soda
• 1/2 cup melted coconut oil
• 1 Tbsp apple cider vinegar
• 1/2 cup butternut squash puree
• 3 large eggs

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.

2. Season chicken thighs with salt and pepper; saute in coconut oil over medium heat until cooked through.

3. Remove chicken from pan and allow to cool slightly before chopping or shredding with a fork.

4. Using a vegetable peeler, peel "noodles" of zucchini. You should get about 2-3 cups of "noodles."

5. In a large, rectangular pan, combine chicken, zucchini noodles, peas, and caulifredo sauce until everything is well covered in sauce (more or less if you like).

6. To make biscuit topping, combine coconut flour, baking soda, and a pinch of salt in a medium mixing bowl.

7. Add coconut oil, vinegar, and squash to dry mixture with a fork until incorporated. Add eggs one at a time, mixing into dough with a fork. Batter will NOT be loose or "doughy." It will be a bit spongey, kind of...

8. Using a regular spoon, drop dollops of biscuit batter on top off the bake. This made about 12 smallish biscuits for me.

9. Bake for about 15-20 minutes, or until biscuits are browned on top and cooked all the way through. Serve hot.

Apple Spice Cookies (Paleo)

I originally planned to go apple picking with my friend Leslie yesterday, but despite having one of the mildest best summers since I've lived in D.C., mother nature decided to spice up October 6th by reaching 90 degrees, to which I was all "fuck that." So, we've decided to reschedule for a day that actually feels like fall. 

But since I already had my heart set on the idea of coming home with North West's weight in apples, I decided I needed to bake something apple-y. Since I haven't made any variations on this recipe (which, btw, is the my most popular recipe of all time), I thought I'd do something special and put a new fall spin on it. Hence, apple spice cookies.

I know a lot of you are obsessedies with Fall, so I'm pretty sure you'll like these: you'll get the sweetness from the apples and honey paired with spicey cinnamon and ginger. It'll kind of be like those Britney Spears perfume commercials where she place the nice AND naughty versions of herself. But for your mouth!!

These cookies have a slightly cakey texture compared to the classic version because I made it from memory and changed a few proportions of things, but they're still amazing. I suppose you could even bake them in a muffin tin, but I prefer eating cookies to muffins. Feels more like a treat to me that way.

If for some reason you HATE apple, well, first of all, what's wrong with you? And second, you could probably sub the apple in this recipe for pumpkin puree. Not too much though, or it might change the texture. And if you're scared to give it a try, then just make these cookies exactly as I made them.

Apple Spice Cookies (Paleo)

Makes 9 large cookies

• 1 cup unsweetened almond butter
• 1/2 cup raw honey
• 1 egg
• 1 tsp baking soda
• 1/2 tsp salt
• half an apple, diced (use something sweet like Fuji or Gala)
• 1 tsp cinnamon
• 1/4 tsp ground cloves
• 1/8 tsp nutmeg
• 1 tsp fresh ginger, grated on a microplane

1. Pre-heat oven to 350 degress F.

2. In a large bowl, combine almond butter, honey, egg, baking soda, and salt until well incorporated. Add apple, spices, and ginger and stir to combine.

3. Spoon batter onto a baking sheet (you may have to spread the batter a little to get it into a round shape) about 1-2 inches apart from each other--they'll spread a bit.

4. Bake about 10 minutes, or until slightly set.

5. Remove cookies and allow to cool on pan for about 5-10 minutes. Then finish cooling on a cooling rack.

The Not So Hidden Valley: Paleo Ranch Dressing

Let's not mince words: Ranch dressing is delicious. If you don't agree, might I point you here? I mean, don't get me wrong...I'm not of the "RANCH ALL THE THINGS!!!" camp, but I have been known to dip my Buffalo wings in a side of the stuff and I'm certainly not above pouring that shit all over a boring salad!!

Since adopting a paleo lifestyle though, Ranch dressing, even as a CONCEPT, has been off limits. Instead, I've had to get by on like, olive oil and balsamic crap or whatever else I can figure out to emulsify with vinegar (though this isn't bad a'tall). But salad dressing impersonators be damned! Because I've found a paleo Ranch dressing that is so good, I will never buy the bottled crap again!

 

I made this salad just so I could enjoy this dressing, btw.

Happy face lettuce leaf says "make this salad dressing...or the lady eats me!" (Spoiler alert: he's dead now.)

Paleo Ranch Dressing

By Paleo Table

• 1 cup paleo mayonnaise
• 1 cup canned coconut milk, shaken
• 1-2 Tbsp. fresh dill, minced
• 2 garlic cloves, minced into a paste with a bit of Kosher salt
• 1 tsp apple cider vinegar
• salt and freshly cracked pepper, to taste

Whisk all ingredients to combine. Season to taste with salt and pepper. Store in the refrigerator for however long it doesn't go bad.

Paleo Sweet Potato Meringue Pie

I get really annoyed by people who don't "know how" to cook. Like, it's not even hard! Seriously! The hardest part about cooking is probably having the right equipment or making sure you didn't forget to pick up the one ingredient that's crucial to making the whole recipe work, but that's it! Do you have an oven? Do you have a bowl? How about a knife? Okay, great--you can cook!!

I think people who don't "know" how to cook simply don't care about cooking. And that's totally different. THAT, I can get behind. I mean, listen, I don't know anything about football, but that's not because it's hard to understand, that's because I literally do not care about learning how football works. Like, if you really want to learn how to roast a chicken without burning it, you will eventually figure it out. And if you want to learn how to make the perfect pie crust, then just follow Martha Stewart's instructions. And if you really want to make the cooking experience simple, just make the Paleo version of it.

I'm always the first to say that if you want to adopt a Paleo lifestyle, you have to enjoy cooking, but that's not to say you have to be a good cook. In fact, Paleo cooking is great for people just like you! Why? Because cooking allows for so much more room for error than baking. And despite the fact that you might use an oven to "bake" things, like this, this, and this, the chemistry that goes into baking glutenous treats (which is typically where most novice cooks struggle) is non-existent in Paleo baking.

Which is all just a really long way of saying, this sweet potato meringue pie is super easy to make. Just make sure you don't forget to buy, ya know, the sweet potatoes or whatever.

Now that fall is setting in, sweet potato pie just felt like the right thing to do.

I've never made sweet potato pie before--we were more of a pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving family (though that's not to say we didn't enjoy sweet potatoes in other forms)--but since Paleo baking is easy, I decided to give a try, and it was a worthy experiment. Worthy of my mouth, that is!

I also tried out a new pie crust recipe (arrowroot and coconut flour give it a very authentic texture), and it's a keeper!

So, if you think you just don't KNOW how to cook, go ahead and give this recipe a try--you'll love it. And if you just don't LIKE/WANT to cook, make friends with someone who will make this for you. And then buy them a thank you gift, you leach!

Paleo Sweet Potato Meringue Pie

For the crust

• 1 1/2 cups coconut flour
• 1/2 cup arrowroot flour
• 1 tsp salt
• 8 TBSP/1 stick of very cold grass-fed butter, cubed into small pieces
• 1/2 - 1 cup ice cold water

For the filling

• 4 large sweet potatoes, peeled and cubed
• 2 TBSP coconut oil
• 2 eggs and 1 egg yolk
• 1 TBSP orange zest
• juice of half an orange
• 1/2 cup pure maple syrup (maybe more if you want it sweeter--try it and figure it out)
• 1 tsp cinnamon
• 1/2 tsp nutmeg
• 1 tsp vanilla extract

For the meringue

• 3 egg whites, room temp
• 3-4 TBSP raw honey

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.

2. In a food processor, pulse coconut and arrowroot flours and salt until well incorporated, about 10 seconds. Add the cold butter (this important--don't fuck it up with room temperature butter) to the flour and pulse until the flour becomes crumbly, about 45 seconds.

3. While food processor is running, add ice cold water (don't fuck this one up either), in a slow steady stream. Add enough for the flour to start to bind together. It may not come together in the food processor, so I ended up dumping this in a bowl after adding about 1/2 cup of water and continued to incorporate the water with my hands. Ultimately, you're just trying to make the dough come together, but it will be crumbly. Test by pressing the dough together in your hand to see if it stays together. If not, add more water. Work quickly! 

4. Once dough can come together, dump it onto a big sheet of plastic wrap and form into a ball, then wrap and place in the fridge for about 30 minutes.

5. Steam sweet potatoes for about 30 minutes, or until they're fork tender.

6. Allow sweet potatoes to cool slightly, then toss sweet potatoes in a large bowl. Using a hand mixer (or blender/food processor/fork, whatever), puree sweet potatoes with coconut oil and eggs. Once combined, add zest, orange juice, maple syrup, spices, and vanilla. Taste here and decide if you want it sweeter.

7. Remove chilled pie crust from fridge and press into a pie plate (this is easier than rolling it out, just be careful about making it even across the pie plate).

8. Using a fork, poke holes on the bottom and sides of the crust, then place in oven for about 10 minutes.

9. Remove crust from oven, then dump filling into the pie shell. Place back in the oven for about 50-60 minutes, or until a skewer comes out clean.

10. Cool for about an hour. 

11. Make meringue by beating egg whites with a hand mixer until glossy peaks form. Then, add honey and continue to beat until well incorporated.

12. Dallop meringue all over pie--use a spatula or fork or something to make peaks.

13. Place pie back in the oven and turn on your broiler. Broil for about 1-2 minutes, or until meringue is golden. Allow to cool for another hour before serving.

Paleo Bacon Pancakes

Paleo pancakes are as much an oxymoron as monokinis, cool summer night, or "tasteful wallpaper", and yet, they are one of the most popular paleo dishes. It seems like anyone new to the paleo diet kicks off their new lifestyle with one of the millions of recipes for pancakes (yours truly is author of two, here and here), so I almost feel bad sharing this recipe with you, except for the fact that they ARE DELICIOUS AND EASY AND HAVE BACONOMG! IN THEM!!!!!! 

The two variations on paleo pancakes I've made in the past weren't particularly difficult, but they did require a little patience. This recipe, however, that Megan and I created when I visited her in Roanoke this weekend (more to come from that trip!), requires little to no skill to put together, which was integral considering we consumed like, 5 liquor drinks the night before as part of her wedding reception cocktail tasting.

I mean, whether you eat paleo or not, you're probably gonna eat bacon with your pancakes anyway--why not just throw them in the batter to begin with?? Listen, you've got a lot going on...you don't have time to pick up bacon and chew it and then pick up your knife and fork and eat a bite of pancake separately! Be good to yourself and just put your bacon in your pancake from the get-go. You deserve it.

If you don't like bacon are a crazy person, you could leave the bacon out, but like, just don't. That said, we just put strips down the middle of them, but you could always dice the bacon and toss it into the batter that way, too, but then you're adding the extra step of, ya know, dicing.

Even Rocky needed in on the bacon/pancake action. Megan ultimately threw him a bone (i.e., strip of bacon).

Paleo Bacon Pancakes

Makes 4 large pancakes

• 2 ripe bananas
• 3 eggs
• 3 Tbsp. coconut flour
• 1 tsp vanilla extract
• 1/4 tsp baking soda
• pinch of salt
• dash of cinnamon
• 2 strips of bacon, cut in half (or 4 whole slices if you're in beast mode)

1. In a pan over medium heat, cook bacon until crispy. Do not drain the fat.

2. While bacon cooks, put bananas in food processor; pulse until pureed completely.

3. Add eggs, flour, vanilla extract, baking soda, salt, and cinnamon to bananas and continue to pulse until everything is pureed and smooth.

4. Using a spoon or ladle, pour batter on top of bacon strip. Cook until the pancake set enough on the bottom to flip--about 4-8 minutes depending on your stovetop. Then, like, cook on the other side. Obviously.

5. Serve warm, with quality maple syrup if you like.