Paleo No She Didn't: Eggs A La Francaise (yes, from RHONY)

Amazingly, Countess Luann didn't make up "eggs a la francaise." They're a thing and they exist and they're wonderful and paleo.

Eggs A La Francaise
Serves 1 (or 2 skinnies)

- 3 Eggs
- 2 Tbsp cold or lukewarm water
- about a Tbsp unsalted butter
- salt and pepper to taste
- parmegiano reggiano (optional)
- chives (optional)

1. Crack and whisk eggs in a bowl with the water. Salt and pepper to taste.
2. Over medium high heat, melt the butter in a pan
3. Remove pan from heat and allow to cool for a couple moments; turn heat to low.
4. Add the whisked eggs to the pan and whisk continuously and place back over the heat.
5. Keep whisking eggs until they reach your desired level of doneness. My eggs took about 10 minutes. Remember, keep it low and slow. They will be creamy.
6. Serve eggs with a sprinkle of cheese and chives

Easy Sweet Potato Hash Browns

Hey! Yeah, hi. Here I am. Over here...with the easiest, most delicious recipe for sweet potato hash browns...? Ya see me? Yeah. Hey.

I know a lot of people like to make roasted sweet potatoes for breakfast. The fancier of this ilk will even go so far as to make a "hash" of sorts. But I think we can all agree that hash browns are the penultimate use of tubers at breakfast. I don't know why it only recently occurred to me to shred sweet potatoes, but better late than never, right you guys?

AHHH!!! What is tha--oh. Oh god. That's my hand! Anyway, the secret to getting the perfect, crispy hash browns is to get out as much of the moisture as you can, so...that's what I'm doing here.

And then all you have to do is toss them in a pan with a little bacon fat and fry them up until they soften and brown.

The only thing harder than making these sweet potato hash browns is trying to relate to an episode of Girls as a 29-year-old.*

*I realize suggesting there is only one thing harder than making these is in direct opposition to the theme of this post, but it was late and my brain only works when it isn't looking at words, but, like, you get it???!

Sweet Potato Hash Browns

Makes about 4 servings

• 2 large sweet potatoes (whatever that means to you)
• 1 tbsp fat of your choice (I used bacon, but coconut oil, olive oil, or butter would all be fine)
• salt to taste

1. Peel sweet potato and then grate on a box grater. I used the side that looked like it would make normal sized cheese shreds. 

2. Line a plate with a couple sheets of paper towels. Dump the shredded sweet potato on the paper towels. Using another couple sheets of paper towels, press firmly on the sweet potato, trying to absorb as much moisture as possible. (I did this two times)

3. Add fat to a skillet over medium heat. Once melted, add shredded sweet potato in a thin, even layer. Cook until crispy and browned on both sides--about 4 minutes or so depending on your stove.

4. Remove hash browns from pan and set on another paper towel lined plate. While hash browns are still hot, sprinkle generously with salt to taste. Serve hot with additional breakfast foods.

Versatile Paleo Wraps - Paleo Fish Tacos

I have tried a variety of bread subtsitutes since going Paleo several years ago...some have been good, but impossible to recreate at home and others have been terrible, not worth recreating anywhere. I had actually largely given up on the idea of ever eating a wrap or "taco" that wasn't wrapped in some kind of leafy green, and while these were pretty damn delicious, still, sometimes you just want that chewy, non-descript vehicle to transport your protein and veg combo to your mouthhole.

And it's for that reason that I couldn't be more excited to share with you not only this recipe for the most versatile Paleo wraps/tortillas, but also a recipe for some incredible fish tacos to go inside of them!

 {I used an offset spatula to flip the tortillas. It worked prett-ay well, IMO. #newusesforoldthings}

So far, I've eaten these tortillas as fish tacos, breakfast tacos, lunch wraps (with like, lunch meat and shit in them), and almond butter honey roll ups--DESSERT!!!! And the thing is, there are countless more options! What about eating it like a pizza and topping it with some marinara, prosciutto, and olives? Or rolling it up with a bit of coconut whipped cream and cinnamon apples for a warm, crepe, fall-themed breakfast? And, omg, I don't mean to get crazy here, but what IF you filled it with a little almond butter, Enjoy Life chocolate chips, and...some sliced banana?!?! I know, I know...I'm out of control right now.

 You could also just enjoy them as these incredible fish tacos.

I have a feeling you'll like them no matter what you do with them.

Paleo Wraps/Tortillas

Adapted from Stupid Easy Paleo

Makes about 10 wraps

• 4 tsp coconut oil, melted
• 8 eggs
• 1 cup arrowroot flour
• 4 Tbsp coconut flour
• 1/2 tsp baking soda
• pinch of salt

1. Whisk coconut oil and eggs together in a medium sized bowl
2. Add half the arrowroot flour to the eggs and whisk until incorporated (it may be a little lumpy at first, just keep whisking really well). Add the second half of the arrowroot flour and whisk that in until well incorporated.
3. Add the coconut flour, baking soda, and salt and whisk until the batter is lump-free and smooth.
4. Heat a small frying pan (something about the circumference of a tortilla, duh) over medium heat. Add about 1/4 of a cup, maybe less, of batter to the pan and swirl until it completely coats the pan in a thin layer (you want to make these thin, like crepes, or, I dunno, tortillas!). Cook for about a minute or so or until the size start to peel away from the pan, then, using an offset spatula, flip over and cook on the other side for another minute.
5. Remove from the pan and allow to cool on a cooling rack for a few minutes.
6. Store in a covered container in the refrigerator. They keep pretty well for about a week. Reheat for 20 seconds before using.

Fish Tacos
Makes about 8 tacos

• 1 - 1.5 pounds mahi mahi
• olive oil
• blackening seasoning

Mango BBQ Sauce

• 1 mango, cubed
• 1 cup sugar-free BBQ sauce
• 2 Tbsp apple cider vinegar
• dash of chili powder

Cilantro Mayo

• 1 cup paleo mayo (this is a good recipe)
• 2-3 Tbsp coconut milk, enough to thin the mayo into a saucey consistency
• 1/2 bunch chopped cilantro
• 1 lime, juiced
• 1/4 tsp cumin
• 1/4 tsp chili powder
• 1/8 tsp cayenne
• 1/4 tsp salt
• 1/4 tsp freshly cracked pepper

1. Make BBQ sauce by tossing all ingredients in a food processor and pureeing until smooth. Set aside in fridge until ready to serve.

2. Make Mayo by combining all those ingredients in a bowl. Set aside in fridge until ready to serve.

3. Cube mahi mahi into bite-sized pieces. Toss mahi mahi in blackening seasoning and sprinkle with a pinch of salt.

4. In a large pan over medium heat, add a drizzle of olive oil. Toss fish into the pan and cook until fish is cooked through, but not overdone.

5. Assemble tacos using paleo wraps. Layer first with guacamole (I'm not including a recipe for this because if you don't know how to make guac by now, then I can't help you). Add fish and top with BBQ sauce and cilantro mayo. Wrap and eat immediately!

Paleo Popcorn and Goobers (Pork Corn and Chocolate Cashews)

Can we all just be real for a minute and agree that one of the best parts of going to the movies is so you can get a giant bag of popcorn soaked in butter-flavored topping ('cus we all know there's absolutely zero real butter in that shit) and a box of candy and eat all of it in dark, where no one can see and judge you?!?! But if you're trying to eat paleo(ish), movie theatre snacks might are just another painful reminder that your health is of no concern. To anyone. Anywhere. But fret not, my friends, because I've come up with what I think is a pretty damn good alternative: Pork Corn and Chocolate-Covered Cashews!

I chose cashews instead of almonds because they're softer and therefore, more peanut-like, according to me, but you could just as easily swap out almonds or, hell, even walnuts, if you prefer!

 I really liked that the brand of pork rinds I bought were called "Hog Heaven." Vegetarians, avert your eyes!!!

I saw a 99% cacao chocolate at the grocery store which was literally just cacao beans and vanilla extract, so I bought it figuring it was more paleo than the 70% nearby. I was also pretty sure it would taste like dirt, and it did, which meant I ended up using more honey than I wanted to, so that's a decision you'll have to make for yourself. I mean, maybe you LIKE eating dirt!!

 Crunchy, buttery PorkCorn, right alongside...

 ...chocolate-covered cashews.

 It's like having popcorn and Goobers!!

All that's missing is the movie!! If only this were out already...

Pork Corn (Paleo Popcorn) and Chocolate-Covered Cashews

• 1 bag of pork rinds
• 2 Tbsp ghee, melted
• 1 tsp. nutritional yeast (optional--this gives it a slightly cheesy flavor)
• 1 bag raw, unsalted cashews, chilled for about 15 minutes
• 2-3 ounces unsweetened dark chocolate
• 1 Tbsp. coconut oil
• 2-3 Tbsp. honey or maple syrup (optional)

1. Chop pork rinds into bite-sized pieces (about 2-3 pieces per rind, depending on size)

2. In a small bowl, combine ghee and nutritional yeast (if using) with a fork. 

3. To a large bowl, combine pork rind pieces and butter topping until well coated.

4. To make cashews, melt chocolate in the microwave in 10-15 second intervals. Be careful not to burn the chocolate and keep it away from any water, which can cause it to seize.

5. Combine melted chocolate with coconut oil and honey until you reach the desired sweetness. 

6. Remove cashews from the fridge (this will help the chocolate set up quicker). Toss nuts in chocolate until completely coated. Lay onto a foil-lined cookie sheet to set.

7. Enjoy in front of some kind of screen.

Potsticker Burgers

Last week, I was on a real Asian kick. Not only did I make an incredible paleo Pad Thai, I also tried this recipe for potsticker burgers. I'm pretty much ready to learn Mandarin and head on over to China. Assuming, of course, that potstickers are Chinese...they are, right? Guys, this is a blog about food/grooming/superficiality. I'm not great with geography. Or Anthropology. Or smart stuff in general.

What I am great with is eating, and Dim Sum is pretty close to the top of the list of my favorite things to eat. What's NOT to love about piping hot food pushed around on carts directly to your table for your hand-picked selection? And when the food on those carts is little doughy pillows filled with flavorful, um, fillings of meat and vegetables, I can only imagine it's the same feeling Amanda Bynes gets when she catches a whiff Sizzurp or whatever hallucinogenic she's high on all the time now. In other words, it's intoxicating. But it's not Paleo.

But unlike Amanda's HPV results, there's good news: potsticker goodness can still be yours, if you omit the doughy dumpling shell and make the filling into a burger patty. 

Served alongside my new take on cole slaw (basically, the Asian version of this), and you'll be back to thank me later.

Paleo Potsticker Burgers

Makes about 8-10 burgers

• 2 lbs. ground turkey meat (I used dark meat)
• 2 cloves garlic, minced
• 2 Tbsp. ginger, minced
• 4 Tbsp. coconut aminos
• 1 tsp. toasted sesame oil
• 3 green onions, sliced
• 1.5 cups cole slaw mix
• 1 egg
• coconut oil for cooking

Asian Slaw

• 2 cups cole slaw mix
• 2 cloves garlic, minced
• 1 Tbsp. ginger, minced
• 2 Tbsp. olive oil
• 2 Tbsp. coconut aminos
• 3 Tbsp. apple cider vinegar
• 1 tsp. fish sauce
• 1 tsp. toasted sesame oil
• 1 Tbsp. honey (optional)
• 2-3 green onions, sliced
• 1/4 cup raisins or dried cherries
• 2 Tbsp. sunflower seeds

1. To make slaw, whisk garlic, ginger, olive oil, coconut aminos, vinegar, fish sauce, sesame oil, and honey in a large bowl.

2. Add cole slaw mix, green onions, raisins, and sunflower seeds and toss until the dressing covers the cole slaw. Refrigerate for at least an hour before serving.

3. To make burgers, in a large bowl, whisk together egg, garlic, ginger, coconut aminos, oil, and green onions. Add cole slaw mix and turkey and combine with your hands until everything is well incorporated.

4. take about 1/3 cup of the mixture and shape into a patty.

5. Heat a pan over medium heat with coconut oil. Add burgers and cook until completely cooked through (about 3-5 minutes on each side depending on the size of your burger). 

6. Serve hot with cold cole slaw.

Faux-tmeal (Paleo "Oatmeal")

**I never include disclaimers on my posts, but I've gotten an inordinate number of comments from lots of people who are offended by my use of "language" in this post. Spoiler alert: I say god damn. If that offends you, leave now and never come back, because really, it only gets worst from here. Do not leave me a comment asking if it's necessary to use this language in a recipe post, because I will not publish it. And in answer to your question: Yes. Yes it's fucking necessary.**

Before going Paleo, I loved oatmeal. My mom used to make me steel cut oats with brown sugar and cinnamon, and we sometimes topped it with heavy cream when we were feeling spunky. God damn it was a delicious way to eat Oliver Twist-ian gruel! Until just a few years ago, I continued to eat oatmeal regularly for breakfast, despite the fact that it sometimes tore my stomach to shreds. It was just worth it! 

Since becoming Paleo, I've obviously eliminated grains (including oatmeal) from my diet, but some days, I feel like I will literally vomit all over myself if I have to eat another breakfast of eggs and bacon.  And so, here we are: my answer to a grain/oat-free Paleo breakfast with nary an egg or strip of bacon in sight. 

I present to you, faux-tmeal.

I'm a big Sunday meal-prepper, which means I like to cook ALL THE FOOD on Sunday so we can basically just reheat and eat throughout the week, because, let's face it, cooking is a real bitch sometimes, so this faux-tmeal is a perfect addition to my weekly rotation. You can make a huge vat of this stuff and then dole it out into separate containers for breakfast (or a tasty dessert).

So what's in this magical, grain-free "faux-tmeal" you ask? 

Two words: Acorn squash. BELIEVE IT HUNNY!!!!!!!!

Acorn squash, unsweetened coconut flakes, and coconut milk make up this delicious dupe. Seasoned with a few spices and topped with goodies like nuts and berries and you'll be transported to the age of 82, when you can only eat foods safe for denture wearers. 

This "faux-tmeal" isn't as chewy as the oatmeal you're used to (unless of course you're used to that shit that comes in a packet with names like "Fruit and Cream"--spoiler alert...that's not real fruit!), but the coconut does give it a really satisfying texture regardless.

Anyone else a fan of oatmeal? What do you eat when bacon and eggs just isn't cutting it anymore?

Faux-tmeal (Paleo Oatmeal)

Makes about 6 servings

• 1 medium acorn squash
• 1/3 can coconut milk (more if you're squash is large)
• 1/3 cup of unsweeted shredded coconut or coconut flakes
• 1 Tbsp. cinnamon
• 1 tsp. groung ginger
• 2 tsp. honey (optional)

1. Pre-heat oven to 400 degrees F. 

2. Slice acorn squash in half. Fill a roasting pan about 1" deep with water, then place the squash halves flesh-side down into water and roast for about 45 minutes to an hour, or until flesh is very soft. 

3. Scrape out seeds and discard. 

4. Spoon out squash into a saucepan. Add coconut milk, coconut flakes, and seasonings and cook over medium heat until well incorporated.

5. Using a potato masher or hand blender, puree squash slightly so there are no large chunks (this isn't a puree, but you want to blend down the fibers). It should be relatively thick, so if it's not, try adding more shredded coconut and/or coconut milk.

6. Top with nuts, shredded coconut, coconut milk, or berries. Serve hot!

Bacon Soup (with Broccoli and Asparagus)

Y'all have probably noticed I haven't been blogging as much these past few weeks as I used to. Or you haven't because you, ya know, have a life and interests outside of your laptop. Good for you, you!! But if you don't, and if you wait with baited breath for the updates you get from me in your Google Reader, I owe you an apology.

You see, I haven't felt very inspired recently--to either write or cook new things. And that's just fuckin' odd for me. I just look at the color pink and suddenly get a million ideas swirling around my head. Of course, they're all ideas for nail polish colors, but they're ideas nonetheless! I think part of the reason I haven't felt super inspired to blog these past few weeks is because I haven't been trying any new recipes, and let's face it: that's what most of you come for (although I also have quite the eye for cute outfits...even if I do only post them once every 27 years).

So, when Kyle and I received our first official wedding gift from my parents of the INCROYABLE Wustof knives we registered for, I finally felt inspired to try something new. And with that, I give you Bacon Soup.

{Literally, the game changer of our kitchen. Thanks Momma and Dad!!! Yes, I call my "mom" Momma. I'm from Texas!}

Aw, I'm just kiddin'!! I'm Ellen!! It's not just bacon soup--although that's the best part--there's also some healthy junk like broccoli and asparagus in the mix, to, ya know, make it healthy.

{Wustof knives and a Vitamix are practically the only things you need in a kitchen.}

I'm pretty sure I say this in some form or fashion in every recipe I post, but DAMMIT if this isn't the easiest recipe. It's like, fry up some bacon, toss in some onion and garlic, dump the green crap in and then bring it to simmer in the chicken broth and just puree it in your blender and BAM! Bacon soup.

I I say Bacon Soup because despite the green vegetable in here, this basically just tastes like liquid bacon and I am sorry, but how could you not like that??

Even vegetarians will tell you they like bacon!!

Vegetarians also like broccoli and asparagus, so really, there's something for everyone here.

That's actually not true. There's nothing here for vegetarians.

Ha, ha, I'm just kiddin', I'm Ellen!

Bacon Soup (with Broccoli and Asparagus)

Makes 8 cups

• 1/2 lb of bacon, diced, plus a couple strips for garnish
• 1 small yellow onion, diced
• 4 cloves garlic, minced
• 1.5 pounds of broccoli cut into florets
• 1.5 pounds of asparagus, roughly chopped
• 4 cups chicken broth
• salt and pepper

1. In a large pot over medium heat, brown bacon until almost crispy.

2. Toss in onion and garlic to saute in rendered bacon fat until tender (about 2 minutes).

3. Add vegetables and chicken broth to bacon, onion, and garlic. Bring to a boil and then reduce to a simmer for about 20 minutes, or until vegetables are tender.

4. Dump everything into a blender and blend until everything is well pureed and soupy. Season with plenty of salt and pepper to taste. 

5. Eat and marvel at the wonderment of bacon soup.