Wednesday, January 4, 2012

CougarTown

I'm what you might call "obsessedicals" with nail polish. Bold, neutral, shimmery, whore glitter; I'm the affirmative action of nail polish--I do not discriminate. 
So when I was perusing Tom Ford's new beauty line of polishes, I was ready to snatch them all up. However, at 10 times the price of a bottle of three-buck-Chuck, I was only ready to splurge on one to start. This color spoke to me, and not only because it's called Ginger Fire (although I'll be honest, it didn't hurt).
What you can't discern from these photos are the small flecks of shimmery gold throughout the bright orange color. It's just enough to keep it from being too flat. Or something. I'm just trying to sound like I know what I'm talking about, you guys.

I obviously had to paint my nails with this as soon as I got it, but I couldn't stop there. I decided a bold polish needed a bold lip. And eye. And outfit. And jewelry.  What I realized was, I needed to look like a cougar. 

And so with full red lip, heavy black eyeliner, my red and white striped Stylemint tee, the leopard infinity scarf Jenna got me and a jaguar-faced cocktail ring, I was ready to bring all the boys to the yard. And then tell them they were smelly, making a mess, and pissing me right off. Because that's the reaction the boys young enough to be equivalent to my 27-year-old cougar would elicit from me.


Tuesday, January 3, 2012

TwoFaced: Mushrooms


If I had feelings, I would probably feel bad about missing last week's TwoFaced recipe, but I don't, so I don't. Also, it was Kyle's birthday last Tuesday. You may all feel free to leave your belated birthday wishes for him in the comments. I'll show them to Kyle later, in between watching season 2 of The Sopranos and scolding him for something really naggy, like leaving his shoes in the middle of the room or whatever.

Anyway, in honor of Kyle's birthday (not really, but I need a segue) and two days off work last week, I decided to make a special breakfast treat: paleo breakfast pizzas. The star ingredient being, what else? Mushrooms.


So it goes, portabello mushroom "crust", eggs, meat, and other junk for toppings. It's basically the easiest thing ever.
Start by frying your bacon. Then tell your boyfriend to fry the eggs because you're not good at doing more than one at a time.
After assembling the pizzas, step back and admire your handiwork.
Devour in mere seconds because it's just.that.good. 

Then, if you're Kyle, go back for a second one.

Before you leave, make sure to check out the mushroom-y goodness at The Paleo Project!!

Paleo Breakfast Pizza
Serves 4 (or 2 hungry people)

  • 3-4 portabello mushrooms
  • 1 egg for each mushroom
  • 1 strip of bacon for each mushroom
  • Salsa
  • Avocado
  • herbed goat cheese, crumbled
  • basil or cilantro
  1. Cut strips of bacon into bite size pieces. Cook over medium heat until desired crispiness. Set aside.
  2. Remove stems and gills from mushroom caps.
  3. Drizzle fat of your choice (coconut oil, olive oil, butter, ghee) in a separate pan over medium heat. Saute mushrooms for a few minutes on each side, or until tender.
  4. Fry eggs in the pan with the bacon fat.
  5. To assemble "pizzas", layer mushroom on the bottom, add egg and then remaining toppings (salsa, sliced avocado, herbed goat cheese and chopped herbs).

Monday, January 2, 2012

Things I Made: Gold Stem Monogrammed Wine Glasses

There are many things I'm good at: looking good, walking in 5 inch heels, making paleo versions of non-paleo food, passing judgment on complete strangers, and the like. While I'd love nothing more than to wax poetic about my many talents, this post actually highlights my one and only shortcoming.

If you guessed compassion, you'd be wrong. But close. It's crafting! 

I've made a few feeble attempts at some DIY this year (namely this and this), but nothing all that impressive. So when I went home to Houston for the holidays (Happy New Year, btw), I immediately made plans with Taylor from TaylorMade--we went to high school together--for a one-on-one crafting lesson. It was like being with Martha Stewart, except with less anger and more praise.

Taylor is probably the craftiest person I know. She can sew, paint, cook, and redesign, all while juggling wife and mom duties. I'm pretty sure she doesn't sleep. So when we decided to get together for a craft lesson, she came up with this completely perfect project: gold stem monogrammed wine glasses.
After seeing her house, and cooing over all her craft projects in real life, we sat down for a delicious lunch of pimento cheese croissant sandwiches, her black bean salad (so delicious!), and loads of reminiscing. Two hours had passed and her husband came back with her two boys before we even began our crafting. Eventually, we got started on the wine glasses by giving them a good wash.

Here's what I like about this craft: for the most part, it's really simple to execute. The only part that might be hard to replicate on my own is the monogramming, but we'll get to that later. To start, you need painter's tape and some scrap paper.
Wrap the part of the glass you don't want to paint gold and then tape it to secure it. 
We put a couple pieces of tape around the base just to ensure an even line.
For the spray paint portion of the craft, you should really take it outside, lest you relish the idea of a contact high...and painting your carpet gold. Now, that's a craft idea!

Follow the directions for spray painting and get after it.
Paint both the top and bottom of the glass, then turn upside down to dry. Careful not to spray it on too thick, otherwise you'll see paint drips.
After applying the second coat, remove the tape before it dries. This will help prevent peeling off the paint when it's dried.

You could easily stop here, but being the world-class crafter that she is, Taylor owns something called a "Cameo". I'm not entirely sure what it is, but basically it will make a stencil of anything you can imagine. You slide a swatch of vinyl in the machine and it cuts out the shape of whatever you design. We kept it simple and did initials on our glasses.
You pop out the letters and then using transfer paper to move them to the glass.
In addition to the stencils, you'll also need this:
Etching cream looks like a paint, but it's actually a cream that etches away at layers of glass, giving you that textured effect wherever you use it on the glass.
Using a paint brush, we painted on a fairly heavy coat on top of our letters. (Tip: the thicker the coat of etching cream, the deeper the etching will appear.)

While we waited for the etching cream to dry (about 5 minutes), I took some time to document Taylor's crafting resources. Please take note of her cubby filled with fabric swatches, and jars of buttons, straight pins, and other stuff for sewing that I don't understand:
She also has this really clever way of storing ribbon underneath her sewing desk. Is a sewing desk a thing?
Eventually, you rinse off the etching cream and voila! Your monogrammed glass is complete.
Pardon my fingerprints. And also, don't try and steal my identity. Kthanks.
 
As far as maintenance, I have no clue if these are dishwasher safe, so I'm not taking any chances and I'm hand washing these as we use them. Interestingly, Kyle was disappointed that I didn't make one with a "K" on it for him. I had no idea Kyle was so into gold stemware. Learn something new every day.
Huge thank you to Taylor for inviting me into her home, letting me use her crafting supplies, and making me the BEST CRAFTER ON EARTH!*

*More specifically, the best crafter in my apartment.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Kolaches and Me

For the past two years, I've had a craving. Not for cowbell, but for kolaches (pronounced: kuh-lotch-eeees). This is reason #589 I know something is wrong with me. I mean, multi-year cravings?? Who does that, besides omni-pregnant Michelle Duggar??

"Why not just eat a kolache then, Melissa?" you might be wondering, to which I would say you "What are you, some kind of idiot??" (I can be a real bitch sometimes, you guys), because kolaches are as hard to come by outside of Texas as say, real noses or intelligence in a Miss USA pageant. 

Because of their scarcity, my guess is there is an unfortunate number of you have never seen/eaten/heard of these delectable little breakfast treats before. Therefore, I feel it's my civic duty to enlighten you (and also purely self-indulgent to satiate my craving) about that which will likely leave your life, and thus any meaning in it, empty.
Kolache shops are about as prevalent as donut shops here in my home state. As a matter of fact, you can even find kolaches sold IN donut shops! You can buy them individually or by the dozen. I did the latter because, hey, when in Rome...
Kolaches can be either savory or sweet, in flavors like sausage and cheese, bacon and cheese, "Italian" (which is just pepperoni), and a variety of fruit toppings.
{Cream Cheese kolache topped with brown sugar}

All kolaches start with a delicious, slightly sweet, yeasty dough, very much like Hawaiian bread. 
They don't really look like much to the naked eye, but this is one of the few times in life I would sway from my motto of "it's what's on the outside that matters," to implore you that true beauty can really only be found on the inside of these pillows of delight:
For it's on the inside that you will find gobs of bacony, cheesey goodness swirling around the light, fluffy exterior.
 Or link sausage and cheddar cheese.
And for the less adventurous eaters of you, one of my favorite kolache shops (and the one my mom used to visit when I was only a wee child), Morning Kolaches, also makes fluffy, gooey cinnamon rolls:
But this isn't amateur hour, so I left the cinnamon rolls to my Dad and went on ahead and ate three kolaches this morning. I've never felt more lethargic in my life.

Oh, and, for the record, I'm not staying Paleo through the holidays. This isn't North Korea* you guys...I can do what I want!!!

*On a serious note, how awesome is it to NOT live in North Korea??


Wednesday, December 21, 2011

TwoFaced Wednesday: Sweet Potato Salad

I've already told Jenna this, but today's TwoFaced is probably my favorite recipe to date. And it all started with near-rotting tubers.

You see, last week, I bought three large sweet potatoes for literally no reason. Usually when I go grocery shopping, I try to plan out what I'll be making and build a list based on a predetermined set of meals, otherwise I'd end up bringing home things like edible flowers and multiple cartons of Coconut Milk Egg Nog, basically stuff I don't really know how to justify spending my money on. I had no plans to make anything with sweet potato, but they were singing their siren song to me, like a trampy little harlot asking passers-by if they were "lookin' for a good time." I'm talking about prostitutes, by the way. 
Slutty sweet potatoes

So as I mentioned, I had no reason to buy sweet potatoes, but I figured I could mash them or make them into fries at the very least, but a week had passed and still, I had nary given them a second glance, until I remembered an Asian-style sweet potato salad Kyle's mom makes. It's sweet, spicy, tangy, and entirely addicting. If I remember correctly, her version included peanut butter and possibly some brown sugar. I was able to make a couple easy swaps, and one surprising swap for soy sauce, making this sweet potato salad paleo and delicious!  

Most recipes call for soy sauce, but I nearly opted to leave it out (soy ain't paleo, ya know?), until I spotted this miracle of miracles.
Yeah, in case coconut crystals and coconut nectar weren't cray cray enough, Coconut Secret goes and blows your mind all over again with a soy-free soy sauce (made with coconut nectar and salt). It's not as salty as the real stuff, but it makes for an incredible substitute (even if it does punch you right in the ovaries at $5 a bottle) in any recipe calling for soy sauce.

I'm gonna just stuff my face with some of this while you go
check out The Paleo Project's take on the sweet potato!

Sweet Potato Salad
Makes a lot

  • 2-3 large sweet potatoes
  • 3 Tbsp. almond butter
  • 1/4 cup apple cider vinegar
  • 1/4 cup Raw Coconut Aminos (soy sauce replacement)
  • 4 teaspoons toasted sesame seed oil
  • 3 teaspoons minced peeled ginger
  • 3 cloves garlic, minced
  • 1 1/2 Tbsp. maple syrup
Garnish
  • 2 Tbsp. roasted, unsalted almonds, chopped
  • bunch of green onion, sliced thinly
  1. Peel and chop sweet potatoes into bite-sized chunks. Add potatoes to a pot and add enough water to cover. Bring to a boil until sweet potatoes are fork tender (about 5 minutes). Strain potatoes.
  2. In a large bowl, whisk all the other ingredients together. Add potatoes, green onions, and almonds. Toss to coat. Taste it at this point, and then add salt and pepper if needed.
  3. Refrigerate for a few hours before serving.
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