High Glitz Gourds (AKA Halloween Decorations)

In many ways, I'm exactly like Martha Stewart: I'm overbearing, I love telling children when they're doing something wrong, and I can fold a mean fitted sheet.

However, in one crucial way, I am not like Martha. And obviously I'm not referring to being the kind of mother who could alienate her offspring because, ha, god knows when I do bear children, I will. No, what I mean is, I don't "craft." It's not because I can't, because ya know, if I really wanted to, I totally could! But like, I just don't do it. I figure if I'm gonna spend a few hours on something it better end with something I can eat or wear. Or both.

That said, it's officially the holiday season! I knew I wanted to deck out our new place with Halloween decor, but I wanted to step up my usual "pumpkin lights strung half-assedly across the window" game and do something more special. In an homage to Lady Gaga and Toddlers & Tiaras, I decided the best way to take my Halloween decor to the next level was with glitter and rhinestones. I'm so pleased with how trannylicious they turned out and because they're laughably easy to do, I wanted to share how I did it with all my trannylicious readers!!!

I started with a variety of pumpkins, including white and minis!

And, speak of the literal Devil, some Martha Stewart glitter paints (in iridescent, gold, and orange).

A few different sizes of sponge brushes: 

LOTS of rhinestones. Because more is more is more is...MORE!

And some tacky glue to stick those bad boys on real good:

I applied about two coats of paint to each pumpkin. I found that the iridescent looked best on white and the gold worked the best on orange. The orange paint really fell short overall. In Martha's world, it would have been properly reprimanded, publicly humiliated, and probably ended in some kind of crying and/or dry heaving.

Because glitter alone isn't enough for my simple taste, I decided to add a rhinestone spider's web to the white pumpkin. I did mine freehand, starting with the lines coming form the stem and finishing with the scalloped edges, but you could also trace an outline and follow that. This worked for me because, as we've already established, I am perfect.

To properly display my full-glitz mini pumpkins, I pulled out the giant champagne glass Kyle found in the dumpster of his old apartment one time. Class all the way here, people.

I placed the bedazzled and smaller pumpkin next to my black glitter skull nested in a severed silver skeleton hand.

The giant champagne glass filled with mini pumpkins and the gold glittered pumpkin got a primo spot next to the glittery candy corn on the kitchen table.

I wonder how long it will be before Kyle realizes he's living with a gay man trapped in a woman's body?