Things I Bought That I Love, And Other Things I Want to Copy From Mindy Kaling

{Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? And Other Concerns, Mindy Kaling}

When I identify someone I deem to be the [fill in the blank adjective here] version of me, I immediately make up elaborate stories in my mind about what great friends we would be. 

Case in point: Oh, Chelsea Handler? She's like the alcoholic version of me. We're great friends because we like to retell stories from our childhood using superfluous profanity and embellished "truths." Lady Gaga? She's totally the musically-gifted version of me. We're really close because we share a love of glitter, acting like models, and gays. (I could say the same thing about RuPaul.)

So, when I learned that Mindy Kaling was writing a book called "Is Everything Hanging Out Without Me? And Other Concerns" I was obviously all like "holy hell! She IS me!!!" I mean, a quick look at the book jacket tells you pretty much everything you're in for inside: pink, a pensiveness that could be mistaken for insecurity, and a reference to Toddlers & Tiaras. I'm sorry, have we met?? 

As I read page 143, I literally dogeared it, it was so me. Like, physically, folded the upper corner of the page over just for future reference, it was so dead on. It reads:

"The Internet also makes it extraordinarily difficult for me to focus. One small break to look up exactly how almond milk is made, and four hours later I'm reading about the Donner Party and texting all my friends: DID YOU GUYS KNOW ABOUT THE DONNER PARTY AND HOW MESSED UP THAT WAS? TEXT ME BACK SO WE CAN TALK ABOUT IT!

I found my productive writing-to-screwing-around ratio to be one to seven. So, for every eight-hour day of writing, there is only one good productive hour of work being done. The other seven hours are preparing for writing: pacing around the house, collapsing cardboard boxes for recycling, reading the DVD extras pamphlet from the BBC Pride & Prejudice, getting snacks lined up for writing, and YouTubing toddlers who learned the 'Single Ladies' dance. I know. Isn't that horrible?"

Oh, did you forget you weren't reading my writing?? Yeah, I had the same reaction.

So for those of you who don't know who in the hell I'm gushing about yet, Mindy Kaling is a comedy writer, actress, and occassional girl group Subtle Sexuality member. Put simply, you probably know her best as superficial, ditzy customer service rep Kelly Kapoor from The Office.

What I like about Mindy's book (oh yeah, we're on a first name only basis) is its construction. While she follows something of a linear storyline, beginning with her awkward chubby years in high school crushing on a mean Sengalese boy named Duante Diallo, following her through her college years at Dartmouth where she meets two of her best and perhaps most defining friends, and finally her present day gig as a big time comedy writer, she tells her story in more of a short story, essay, or her own coined-term pleist (a piece with a list-y quality) kind of way. I also love the titles of each chapter. Do you ever notice the titles of my blog posts?? God, I hope I'm not pining over clever blog titles for 27 minutes-plus on average for no good reason. A title that encapsulates simultaneously what you're writing about and is also just obscure enough to further pique your interest is an art form in itself. "Revenge Fantasies While Jogging" and "Why Do Men Put Their Shoes on So Slowly" are personal favorites of mine.

Beyond all of that though, "Is Everyone Hanging Out With Me?" is just a fun read. I laughed basically every 4 and a half minutes. And when it was over? I'm fairly certain I shed a single tear. And then I suffered a temporary, but no less devastating, bout of depression. But the good news is, I can continue to get my Mindy-fix right on her own very blog "Things I Bought That I Love," which is exactly what it sounds like. So in the spirit of Mindy, I thought I'd share with you a thing I bought that I love: So Delicious Coconut Milk Egg Nog.

 I have The Paleo Project to thank for this find, and you can be assured that we'll be enjoying a grotesque amount of this spiked with rum during her visit this weekend.

 It's simple, really. It's delicious, it tastes like cow's milk egg nog, and when sprinkled with nutmeg, you'll be transported to a place and time where Christmas threw up.

So anyway, you should probably just buy the book. And then sip this stuff. And then weep and weep and weep when you've finished both.