"Paleo No She Didn't": Chicken Zoodle Soup

I know it seems like I'm becoming more of a vlogger, but that's only because I'm becoming more of a vlogger. But I think you guys are up for it. Here's the second episode of Paleo No She Didn't! (In case you haven't already, you can subscribe to my on YouTube here.)

Chicken Zoodle Soup

Makes about 8 servings

• 1 onion, diced
• 2 Tbsp olive oil
• 1 large clove of garlic, minced
• 3-4 carrots, peeled and diced
• 3 stalks celery, diced
• 1 lb. chicken (dark meat), chopped into bite-sized pieces
• 2 bay leaves
• 8 quarts chicken stock
• handful of parsley, roughly chopped
• 1 zucchini, spiralized or peeled into "zoodles"
• salt and pepper to taste

1. Add olive oil to a large pot and turn heat to medium. Add onions and a pinch of salt and sweat for a couple minutes.

2. Add garlic to onion and cook for another minute.

3. Add carrots and celery to onion and garlic. Cook for about 2 minutes.

4. Pour chicken stock over vegetables and bring heat to medium high. Add bay leaves. Cook until veggies soften and are fork tender.

5. Add chicken to soup and cook for about 10 minutes. Taste broth and adjust seasoning to taste.

6. Combine zoodles into soup and allow to cook for another couple minutes.

7. Just before serving, remove bay leaves and add parsley. Serve piping hot!

Paleo No She Didn't! Featuring Ginger(not)bread and Paleo Hot Chocolate

Over the summer, I got the harebrained idea to start a Paleo cooking web series, and because YouTube is free to anyone with an internet connection and a dream, I finally got my life together enough to put the first episode together for you.

I'm proud to present "Paleo No She Didn't!" A show about how I bastardize what it means to eat paleo. This week, I'm kicking things off with two holiday favorites: Gingerbread and Hot Chocolate! I hope you like it!

Paleo Cheez-Its--JK, Just "Cheezey" Kale Chips

How many months ago were kale chips? Like, would you say...3 months? Maybe 6 months? Were kale chips SO 14 months ago? Look, I don't know. I can't keep up with these hippie food trends (yes I can) so excuse me if I'm approximately a year and a half behind the kale chip movement.

The truth is, kale chips are kind of the worst, #amirite? I tried making them once before and they were a soggy mess. Spoiler alert: I used oil which seems completely unnecessary now after trying this recipe.

 Also, kale chips are never really capable of satisfying that CHIP craving anyway, so in the end it's like, "UGH, why am I eating grass right now?"

But enough about disgusting vegetables--let's talk about these Cheezey Kale chips. I first tried something like these a few months ago when I was traipsing through Whole Foods with an empty stomach and a fresh paycheck in my bank account, so obviously I bought a $7 bag of 3 ounces of cheezey kale chips. They were AMAZING. I ate all two servings in one sitting.

Anyway, after shelling out probably $147 for these things over the past few months, I finally got brave enough to try making them myself, and guess what! They were almost as good. But still a pretty good substitute for when you want something that tastes like a Cheez-It but isn't, and doesn't run the price of a small goat in a third world country.

"Cheezey" Kale Chips

Makes about 4 servings

• 2 bunches of kale
• 1.5 cups raw unsalted cashews
• 1/2 red bell pepper, stem and seeds removed and roughly chopped
• 1 clove garlic
• 2 Tbsp coconut aminos
• 3 Tbsp olive oil
• 1/2 cup nutritional yeast flakes
• 1 lemon, peeled and de-seeded as much as possible
• salt to taste

1. Soak cashews in water for at least an hour before starting.

2. Preheat your oven to it's lowest setting, about 180 or 200 degrees F. 

3. Drain cashews and set aside. Tear kale leaves off stems and into large chunks (they'll shrink as they bake).

4. Add cashews, bell pepper, garlic, coconut aminos, olive oil, nutritional yeast, lemon, and salt to a food processor. Puree until everything is really smooth. It will be thick.

5. In a large bowl, combine kale leaves with cheezey cashew paste--you'll have to use your fingers to "paint" the chips with the paste, so prepare to get messy, but get it evenly on the chips. This is the good stuff!

6. Lay kale chips flat on a baking sheet in one layer (don't pile them on top of each other). Bake in the oven for an hour, then flip them over. Bake until they're completely dry (about another hour).

7. Store in an airtight container!

Holiday Gift Guide: Dudes

I don't think I'm alone when I say OUR diet starts tomorrow, amirite ladies?! I'd also bet I'm not alone when I say that buying for the fellas in your life is generally one of the harder demographics to cross off your holiday gift list. To ease some of the pain of that particular shopping experience, I've curated a list of dude-friendly gift ideas with nary a tchochke in sight! And because Black Friday is just barely a notch higher on the "I want to shoot myself in the face" meter than a visit to the DMV the day your drivers license expires, here are all the links where you can buy these things without changing out of your stretchy pants. G'head, have that third helping of leftovers.

1. FitBit, $99.99 - (Read in the voice of Stefon) This thing does EVERYTHING: tracks your sleeping patterns, counts the calories you burn in a day, JUDGMENTALLY SMACKS THAT BAGEL OUT OF YOUR HAND AND CALLS YOU FAT! You'll have your own Littlest Loser moment--you know, it's like that thing when it's the Biggest Loser, but everyone's a midget, and "Lil" Jillian Michaels pops out from behind a tree one day, yells at you for not moving fast enough, prods you about your back story, makes you cry, and then forces you to do 100 burpees or throw up--whichever comes first!

2. Ray Ban Aviators, $153 - For the guy whose future is so bright, he needs shades (ugh, I really hope you don't know anyone who would ever say that) or just the guy who's really good at not losing stuff, get him a pair of the sunglasses that look good on everyone, even your pre-pubescent nephew!

3. Bacon of the Month Club, $99 - $189 - You know what people hate? "of the Month Clubs." You know what people love? Bacon. Jam the two together and you have a pretty decent gift for the guy who would otherwise be getting a 3-D puzzle of the Starship Enterprise. (No, but really, this one sounds pretty good.)

4. Nick Offerman's "Paddle Your Own Canoe", $16.17 - Most men will tell you there are only 3 things you really need to know how to do: grow a mustache, grill meat, and woo women. This book will tell you how to perfect all of them, and by none other than man-of-men Ron Swanson. 

5. At-home IPA Brewing Kit, $44.95 - IPAs are horrible, however, men seem to love them. Why not trick him into staying home and watching more "The Notebook" with you under the guise of brewing his own horrible, horrible beer?? 

6. Bose noise-cancelling ear buds, $299.95 - For the guy who's always on the go (or just can't stand to hear you sing the new Kelly Clarkson holiday song in the shower one more time), surprise him with the ear bud version of the classic Bose noise-cancelling headphones, just don't get mad at him if he slips them on the next time you get on your "RHOBH is the best of all the housewives series" soapbox.

7. Apple TV, $99.99 - Let's face it: guys like technology. Especially when that technology allows them to access all of their television mediums (Netflix, Hulu, YouTube, even your own Apple devices) on your actual TV. 

8. KIEHL'S Ultimate Man Soap, $15 - Boys smell pretty gross, amirite? Get them to WANT to shower with this bar of soap. It's lightly citrus scented but it's the grainy chunks of bran and oatmeal gently/uncomforatbly sloughing off your top dermal layer that will keep them coming back. 

9. Kettlebells, $74.99 (for 35 pounds) - In case you haven't already made you point, crystalize your "I think you should lose weight" message by gifting your favorite man a kettlebell, just make sure you get a least 1 pood. Hehe. That just means 35 pounds. 

Simple Roast Chicken

The internet is a wondrous place, full of more information that you could ever need about everything from Nazi hunters to forgotten informercials from the '90s. Needless to say, there are basically a million recipes for roast chicken, some of which are more intimidating than others, and even though my favorite website of all time recently explored the topic in depth, I lack dignity and self-respect, which is why I wanted to share my recipe for roast chicken too!

I'm guessing mine isn't very different from yours, but I do have a tiny variation that I think makes a huge difference: Orange.

Most of the roast chicken recipes I'm acquainted with call for lemon, but I find that the swap for orange keeps the brightness that lemon adds but swaps the sourness for sweetness, which is always better IMO! That, plus a generous dose of salt and a high temperature give this chicken incredible flavor and crispy skin without any butter. #paleo

I served it alongside some mashed sweet potatoes (or you could make this, which has quickly become my all-time most popular recipe thanks to this Buzzfeed shoutout--self promotion FTW!!!).

Simple Roast Chicken
Feeds 4 adults

• 4-5 lb organic, free-range whole chicken
• 6-7 springs thyme
• 1 orange
• 3 cloves garlic, smashed
• lots of kosher salt and pepper
• olive oil

1. Pre-heat oven to 400 degrees F.

2. Pat chicken dry with a paper towel. Drizzle about a tsp or two of olive oil all over chicken (top, bottom, and inside the cavity--you may need to remove the giblets, so do that first). Gently rub olive oil all over chicken.

3. Liberally sprinkle the entire chicken with salt (seriously, use a lot of salt; it's important for getting the right flavor). Make sure you get the cavity too! 

4. Sprinkle pepper everywhere you did with salt. You don't need as much pepper as salt, but don't be shy!

5. Slice the orange in half. Throw orange halves, garlic, and thyme into the cavity.

6. Place chicken on a roasting rack in a roasting pan. I like to put mine in breast-side down to allow the juices from the dark meat to drip to the white meat underneath, but you don't have to do that.

7. Roast chicken for an hour, then turn up oven temperature to 450 degrees F. Cook for another 30-60 minutes, or until thigh meat renders 165 degrees with a meat thermometer.

8. Remove from oven and allow to sit for about 15 minutes before carving.

Holiday Gift Guide: Hostess with Mostess

Chances are, if you have even 2 friends, you'll be invited to a holiday-themed party in the next month and a half. When you accept that holiday party invitation, you could show up and be the simpleton that brings a bottle of Prosecco, or you could WIN party season by bringing a hostess gift with a little more personality. May this list (comprised of gifts under $50!) help you be victorious. 

1. C. Wonder Monogram Wine Stop

2. Target Cheers Glasses

3. ASOS Notebook

4. Kate Spade Candle

5. PearlsandPastries Hangers

6. Anthropologie Initial Mugs

7. C. Wonder Straws

8. C. Wonder Monogram Cheese Board

9. Kate Spade Glitter Coasters

Paleo Chicken Caulifredo Bake, as Told by Mean Girls

"You guys, this Chicken Caulifredo Bake is so FETCH!"

"Gretchen, stop trying to make 'fetch' happen. It's not going to happen. And also, stop trying to make caulifredo happen. Noone knows what you're talking about anyway."

"Yeah...and why is it white?

"Oh my god, Karen, you can't just go around asking people why their food is white!"

"Well, Regina, since you're trying to lose three pounds, I decided to try this recipe for a Paleo Chicken Caulifredo Bake."

"Whatever, I'm getting cheese fries."

"Regina, I have an idea--let's go to Taco Bell!"

"I can't go to Taco Bell, I'm on an all-carb diet. GOD KAREN, you're so stupid!!"

"Actually, Regina, when you're trying to lose weight (or just get healthy in general), it's better to focus on adding protein and fibrous veggies to your diet, not carbs."

"How do you know that, Cady?"

"Because my mom used to feed the starving kids in Africa these bars full of carbs. I dunno, it was pretty grool."

[puzzled looks]

"I started to say great and then I said cool instead..."

"She's totally right Regina. That's why I made this Chicken Caulifredo Bake. It's these incredible zucchini noodles, shredded chicken, peas, caulifredo sauce, and a paleo biscuit topping!"

"Interesting...where did you find this recipe?"

"This fetch blog, CupcakesOMG! It's not like a regular blog, it's a cool blog."

"Wow, Gretchen, this is actually pretty good."

"Oh my god...really?? I'm so glad you like it. This might be a good time to ask if I can start wearing white gold hoops again...?'

"Boo, you whore! No."

"Get in loser, we're going [grocery] shopping."

Paleo Chicken Caulifredo Bake

Makes about 12 servings

**Shout out to The Road Less Processed on Instragram for the inspiration!

• 1 lb. chicken thighs
• 4-5 large zucchinis
• 1/2 cup frozen peas
• 1-2 cups caulifredo sauce
• 1/2 cup coconut flour
• 3/4 tsp baking soda
• 1/2 cup melted coconut oil
• 1 Tbsp apple cider vinegar
• 1/2 cup butternut squash puree
• 3 large eggs

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.

2. Season chicken thighs with salt and pepper; saute in coconut oil over medium heat until cooked through.

3. Remove chicken from pan and allow to cool slightly before chopping or shredding with a fork.

4. Using a vegetable peeler, peel "noodles" of zucchini. You should get about 2-3 cups of "noodles."

5. In a large, rectangular pan, combine chicken, zucchini noodles, peas, and caulifredo sauce until everything is well covered in sauce (more or less if you like).

6. To make biscuit topping, combine coconut flour, baking soda, and a pinch of salt in a medium mixing bowl.

7. Add coconut oil, vinegar, and squash to dry mixture with a fork until incorporated. Add eggs one at a time, mixing into dough with a fork. Batter will NOT be loose or "doughy." It will be a bit spongey, kind of...

8. Using a regular spoon, drop dollops of biscuit batter on top off the bake. This made about 12 smallish biscuits for me.

9. Bake for about 15-20 minutes, or until biscuits are browned on top and cooked all the way through. Serve hot.

Versatile Paleo Wraps - Paleo Fish Tacos

I have tried a variety of bread subtsitutes since going Paleo several years ago...some have been good, but impossible to recreate at home and others have been terrible, not worth recreating anywhere. I had actually largely given up on the idea of ever eating a wrap or "taco" that wasn't wrapped in some kind of leafy green, and while these were pretty damn delicious, still, sometimes you just want that chewy, non-descript vehicle to transport your protein and veg combo to your mouthhole.

And it's for that reason that I couldn't be more excited to share with you not only this recipe for the most versatile Paleo wraps/tortillas, but also a recipe for some incredible fish tacos to go inside of them!

 {I used an offset spatula to flip the tortillas. It worked prett-ay well, IMO. #newusesforoldthings}

So far, I've eaten these tortillas as fish tacos, breakfast tacos, lunch wraps (with like, lunch meat and shit in them), and almond butter honey roll ups--DESSERT!!!! And the thing is, there are countless more options! What about eating it like a pizza and topping it with some marinara, prosciutto, and olives? Or rolling it up with a bit of coconut whipped cream and cinnamon apples for a warm, crepe, fall-themed breakfast? And, omg, I don't mean to get crazy here, but what IF you filled it with a little almond butter, Enjoy Life chocolate chips, and...some sliced banana?!?! I know, I know...I'm out of control right now.

 You could also just enjoy them as these incredible fish tacos.

I have a feeling you'll like them no matter what you do with them.

Paleo Wraps/Tortillas

Adapted from Stupid Easy Paleo

Makes about 10 wraps

• 4 tsp coconut oil, melted
• 8 eggs
• 1 cup arrowroot flour
• 4 Tbsp coconut flour
• 1/2 tsp baking soda
• pinch of salt

1. Whisk coconut oil and eggs together in a medium sized bowl
2. Add half the arrowroot flour to the eggs and whisk until incorporated (it may be a little lumpy at first, just keep whisking really well). Add the second half of the arrowroot flour and whisk that in until well incorporated.
3. Add the coconut flour, baking soda, and salt and whisk until the batter is lump-free and smooth.
4. Heat a small frying pan (something about the circumference of a tortilla, duh) over medium heat. Add about 1/4 of a cup, maybe less, of batter to the pan and swirl until it completely coats the pan in a thin layer (you want to make these thin, like crepes, or, I dunno, tortillas!). Cook for about a minute or so or until the size start to peel away from the pan, then, using an offset spatula, flip over and cook on the other side for another minute.
5. Remove from the pan and allow to cool on a cooling rack for a few minutes.
6. Store in a covered container in the refrigerator. They keep pretty well for about a week. Reheat for 20 seconds before using.

Fish Tacos
Makes about 8 tacos

• 1 - 1.5 pounds mahi mahi
• olive oil
• blackening seasoning

Mango BBQ Sauce

• 1 mango, cubed
• 1 cup sugar-free BBQ sauce
• 2 Tbsp apple cider vinegar
• dash of chili powder

Cilantro Mayo

• 1 cup paleo mayo (this is a good recipe)
• 2-3 Tbsp coconut milk, enough to thin the mayo into a saucey consistency
• 1/2 bunch chopped cilantro
• 1 lime, juiced
• 1/4 tsp cumin
• 1/4 tsp chili powder
• 1/8 tsp cayenne
• 1/4 tsp salt
• 1/4 tsp freshly cracked pepper

1. Make BBQ sauce by tossing all ingredients in a food processor and pureeing until smooth. Set aside in fridge until ready to serve.

2. Make Mayo by combining all those ingredients in a bowl. Set aside in fridge until ready to serve.

3. Cube mahi mahi into bite-sized pieces. Toss mahi mahi in blackening seasoning and sprinkle with a pinch of salt.

4. In a large pan over medium heat, add a drizzle of olive oil. Toss fish into the pan and cook until fish is cooked through, but not overdone.

5. Assemble tacos using paleo wraps. Layer first with guacamole (I'm not including a recipe for this because if you don't know how to make guac by now, then I can't help you). Add fish and top with BBQ sauce and cilantro mayo. Wrap and eat immediately!

Gourd-geous Pumpkins!

By now, you're all well aware my pumpkin carving skills are in fact, not skills at all, and instead, just very sad, very awkward movements of hand and child-friendly carving devices. You should also be well aware that it's unofficially pumpkin week here at CupcakesOMG! (More like Cupcakes Oh My Gourd!...I don't care if I've already used it this week!)

Since pumpkin carving isn't really my thang, I did what I normally do with pumpkins and painted them. Unlike most years, I haven't really gotten into decorating for Halloween, so I wasn't entirely in the mood to take the decor too literally, so instead of oranges and yellows, I opted for something a little more ladylike and little less "I hate these colors all year long but they're okay for 3 weeks out of the year!"

I covered the stems in gold glitter because GLITTER!

The glitter is everything.

Do you paint or carve your pumpkins? How great is glitter?! And what do you think of my new C. Wonder napkins used as props in this photo?!?!?

Pumpkin Pie Snickerdoodle Bars

Remember when I told you me and my friends use Halloween-themed get togethers as an excuse to eat ALL THE THINGS?! Well, I forgot to tell you I made these.

I'm putting the "OMG" in this blog's title today. I'm also probably putting the saliva in your mouth; the "break" in your diet; the "what the hell" in your "what the hell is that and how can I get one" question. Well madames and gents, these are pumpkin pie snickerdoodle bars, and they are cakey, and pie-y, and sweet, and autumnal, and if you make them, I guarantee you won't be disappointed.

These do require a little bit of patience, since you basically have to make two recipes (cookie batter and pie filling), but you only have to bake them once, so there's that.

If you've made these at all, then I think you'll love these bars! I mean, they're not the same in taste, but they pack as much of a punch and are a huge crowd pleaser!

Pumpkin Pie Snickerdoodle Bars

Makes about 24 bars

From Lovin in the Oven

Snickerdoodle Layer

• 3 cups AP flour
• 2 tsp baking powder
• 1 tsp salt
• 2 cups packed brown sugar
• 1 tsp cinnamon
• 2 sticks unsalted butter, room temperature
• 2 eggs
• 1 Tbsp vanilla extract

Pumpkin Pie Layer

• 1 cup AP flour
• 1 cup sugar
• 1 stick butter, room temperature
• 1 tsp baking powder
• 1 tsp salt
• 1 tsp pumpkin pie spice
• 2 eggs
• 1 can pumpkin puree

Topping

• 2 Tbsp white sugar
• 2 tsp cinnamon

White Chocolate drizzle

• 1 oz. white chocolate
• 1/4 tsp pumpkin pie spice

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Lightly butter a 9x13 rectangular pan. Set aside.

2. Make the snickerdoodle layer first. Begin by combining the dry ingredients in a large bowl. In another large bowl, beat butter and sugar until light and fluffy. Add eggs, one at a time until incorporated, and vanilla. Then add the dry ingredients to the butter until well combined.

3. Spread out snickerdoodle layer evenly in the pan.

4. To make pumpkin pie layer, cream together butter and sugar until light and fluffy (about 5 minutes). Add the rest of the ingredients until combined. Pour over the cookie layer.

5. Combine the white sugar and cinnamon in a small pour and sprinkle evenly on top of the pumpkin pie layer.

6. Bake for 35-40 minutes, or until a skewer comes out clean and pumpkin layer is set. Cool completely.

7. When cooled, melt white chocolate in 30 second increments in the microwave. Stir in pumpkin pie spice. Pour into a plastic baggie, snip the end, and drizzle all over the top. Allow to set completely before cutting into bars.