How to Win A Halloween Costume Contest

Step 1: Pick a costume that hasn't been done a bajillion times before but that's still socially relevant. 

I'm talking to you sexy nurse, sexy kitty cat, sexy police officer, and sexy generic slutty girl. Oh, and also Snooki...she likes pickles, we get it already!!! I chose Taralyn Eschberger from Toddlers & Tiaras fame. Oh, you've never heard of Taralyn specifically?? MY POINT EXACTLY!!!

Step 2: Become your costume.

Sure, I could have just slapped on some ruffle socks, fake eyelashes, a crown and called it a day, but that wouldn't make me a winner. That would make me a loser. And glitz pageant girls are WINNERS!!! I perfected my T-stance, my prissy walk, and most importantly, my "blow a kiss with one finger" face.

Step 3: Never break character.

When the bar announced that there was a costume contest, I expected to win, 'cus that's what winners do. That's what my mommy says! I never in a million years expected to NOT make the top 3! So when my name wasn't called for top 3, I did what any self-respecting toddler would do: I threw an epic hissy fit. It was both sincere and authentic. I stomped my feet, cried, and yelled for my mommy. And then I got added back into the contest.

And then I won. A hundred bucks to be exact.

Yes, in the words of Eden Wood, "I ROCKED THAT STAGE!!!!"

What did everyone else dress up as??? Did anyone else win a costume contest??

The Best Cupcakes I Ever Made

I don't know if you realized this, but my blog title has the word "cupcake" in it, which basically means that everyone who knows me considers me an expert on all things cupcake. And I am. (I'm also an expert in judging people, nail painting, and posing in the mirror.) So it should go without saying that when I'm invited to a party, it's nearly sacrilege if I don't come bearing dozens of them. The Halloween party I attended this weekend was no exception. 

Given the theme of the party, I knew I wanted to make pumpkin cupcakes, but I wanted them to be specialer (that's a word now) than your run of the mill cream cheese-frosted kind. So, I set out to make a chocolate covered pumpkin cupcake. Specifically, a pumpkin cupcake topped with a layer of milk chocolate ganache, brown sugar cream cheese frosting, and a sprinkle of pumpkin seeds. The result was EFFING DELICIOUS!!!!!!!!

So delicious, in fact, that I've eaten about four of them in the past 24 hours. DON'T YOU JUDGE ME!!!!

As much as these taste like fall, and, let's face it, look incredible, I also wanted bring something with a true Halloween-y vibe, so I also made these pumpkin rice krispie treats.

 That is to say, pumpkin in appearance, not taste. Although, that's an idea...!

There's no real recipe here, just make rice krispie treats per directions on box. Add food coloring to the butter and marshmallow mixture (I used red and yellow to get the right shade of orange). Grease your hands well with Pam or butter and shape treats into tennis ball sized balls. Add a Tootsie Roll to the center (this is the stem), then pipe on green frosting for leaves and vines.

Chocolate-Covered Pumpkin Cupcakes

Makes about 36 cupcakes

Adapted from Boulder Locavore

•  3 ½ All purpose flour 
•  2 ¾ teaspoon baking powder
•  ¾ teaspoon baking soda
•  2 ¼ teaspoon salt
•  5 teaspoon pumpkin pie spice
• 14 tablespoons butter, softened
• 1 cup light brown sugar, packed
• 2/3 cup dark brown sugar, packed
• 1 cup granulated sugar
• 4 eggs, room temperature
• 1 cup milk
• 1 2/3 cups pumpkin puree

1.      Line cupcake pan with cupcake wrappers.  Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

2.      In a mixing bowl combine flour, baking powder, baking soda, salt, spices.  Stir to mix ingredients.

3.      With an electric mixer, beat butter on medium speed until creamy.  Add brown sugars and granulated sugar; beat until light and fluffy (about 5 minutes).  Scrape sides when needed. Add eggs one at a time and beat to incorporate before adding another egg.

4.      Add 1/4 of the flour to the butter/sugar mixture and beat on low speed to incorporate.   Add 1/3 cup of the milk, beat to incorporate.  Repeat twice more, ending with the flour.  Do not over beat.

5.      Add the pumpkin puree and beat until incorporated. You might have to mix it by hand to ensure it well incorporated.

6.      Spoon batter into cupcake tins; fill 2/3’s full.  Bake 20-25 minutes until toothpick comes out clean.

7.      When done, remove from oven, let cool in pan 15 minutes and remove to baking rack to complete cooling.

Brown Sugar Cream Cheese Frosting

• 8 oz. cream cheese
• 12 Tbsp. butter, room temperature
• 4-6 cups powdered sugar (depends on how sweet you like it)
• 1 Tbsp. light brown sugar
• 2 tsp. milk as needed
• 1 tsp. vanilla extract

1. With an electric mixer, whip cream cheese and butter until fluffy. 

2. Add brown sugar powdered sugar in small batches to cream cheese and butter mixture. Mix until smooth.

3. Add vanilla to frosting.

4. Add milk as needed to ensure a velvety texture.

Milk Chocolate Ganache

• 1 bag of milk chocolate chips
• 1/2 cup of heavy cream (I used half and half)

In a double boiler (a bowl sitting atop a pot of simmering water), melt chocolate chips. Add cream when they just start to melt. Mix until smooth.

**To decorate cupcakes, spoon a thin layer of ganache onto cooled cupcakes. Allow ganache to set for a few minutes, then using a round frosting tip, pipe cream cheese frosting on. Garnish with pumpkin seeds.

HIWWI: J. Crew Chambray Shirt

{J. Crew Chambray Shirt, $98}

Most of my life, I was convinced I couldn't wear button-up shirts thanks to my ginormous tatas. I somehow got the notion that an ample bosom covered by buttons looked indecent and unflattering. But in the last few years, I realized what every prepubescent thirteen year-old boy has known for centuries: boobs are awesome! When I came to this realization, I promptly sought out a variety of button-ups to fill the sartorial void in my life, but the one item that has continued to elude me is the chambray button-up, like this one from J. Crew, which bring us to this week's HIWWI.

While I have dreams of pairing this with my Rachel Zoe-inspired 7 jeans in a fashion-forward homage to a Canadian tuxedo, I feel like knotting the shirt with a long, lacy skirt is a fun surprise.

{Urban Outfitters skirt, $39.99}

For some reason, I'm particularly drawn to the idea of a stacked-heel bootie with this look, even if it does hillbilly it up a bit. But hey, just go with it.

{Old Navy boot, $29.99}

Yes, just go with it, because when you top it all off with this statement necklace, it all makes perfect sense. Assuming of course, that statement is "I can't leave well enough alone," or "my daddy still pays my rent".

{Marc Jacobs necklace, $258}

What say ye, my fellow big (and small) chestical ladies? How do we feel about button-ups? How would you wear this chambray top? Leave me your thoughts, opinions, and brazziere size in the comments!

I Got Your Halloween Costume Right Here

Because more than two people have approached me with questions about what they should be for Halloween, I have no choice but to embrace my newfound authority on all things costume. I mean, honestly, it should be expected from the person who whipped up this Alexis Rose costume:

Yes, that is me dressed as a female version of Axl Rose. Was that "baller" I just heard you say??

Even though I had all the pieces of my costume purchased and in hand WEEKS ago, apparently there are still many of you out there scrambling to find a slutty version of a banana costume to wear. In an effort to help you avoid looking moronic (without intending to, anyway) and perhaps the most original you'll look all year, I've rounded up a few ideas. If I'm leaving any good ones out, leave 'em in the comments!

Couple/Group costumes
What's that saying? The more the merrier...and the less ridiculous you look? Yes, a couples or group costume can do wonders for the total effect of your look. After all, what's Fred without Barney? Beavis without Butthead? Or Courtney Stodden without her 50-year-old husband?? If what you're really looking to do is leave a mark at your Halloween shindig this year, grab a buddy or two and make one of these happen!

Adele and her ex-boyfriend

Although we don't know who he is, we know all too well what Adele's ex is probably the worst human being alive. So, one of you wear a low ponytail, black dress, and heavy winged eyeliner, and the other one dress up as Bernie Madoff.

Any "Real Housewives" Cast (preferably Beverly Hills)

Great for a gaggle of gals or a group of dudes comfortable with their sexuality, the Real Housewives franchise provides AMPLE opportunity to get all your real feelings about your friends on the table. While I haven't watch each season, I don't see why you wouldn't want to go as the crazy ladies from Beverly Hills. I mean, there's a crazy former child star, Paris Hilton's aunt, and a meth addict...and that's just ONE person!! Oh, how the hilarity could, and surely will, ensue.

Amanda Knox and Casey Anthony 

Look, it's America's Sweethearts! Now that they've both been officially vindicated, we can all go back to proudly sporting mousy brown hair, dowdy clothes, and a crazy look in our eye. And ladies, word to the wise, if you're looking to hook up this Halloween, these are your costumes, because every guy I know would glady hate f*ck the hell out of these two. You're welcome.

Tom Haverford and Jean-Ralphio

It's come to my attention in recent weeks that I have something a male readership, so boys, this one's for you. Parks and Recreation is one of my absolute favorite shows on the talk box right now. If you're not watching it and laughing every 3 seconds, we can no longer be friends. However, if you're already obsessdies with it like I am, you'll know exactly who Tom and Jean-Ralphio are. Like an Amanda Knox/Casey Anthony duo, this one will no doubt bring all the ladies and their milkshakes to your yard, fellas. Bonus: these costumes don't require much more than a suit, a choreographed handshake, and an excessive amount of Axe body spray.

Inanimate Objects
Every year, some douchebag shows up to the party dressed as like, the national debt or a free mammogram (which should be taken seriously btw, ladies!), but instead of just TELLING people you're something completely douchey, why don't you actually try DRESSING as something douchey? Ehhhh???

iPhone Siri

Not since Robin Williams' dramatic turn in American movie classic "Millennium Man" has a nation been so taken with artificial intelligence. Siri may not have feelings or ya know, a body, but what she lacks in physical traits she more than makes up for in her cold, callused demeanor. To be Siri this Halloween, you can wear an iPhone made out of cardboard and have people ask you questions all night with guaranteed bitchy responses, or you can just go as Santana from Glee. It's up to you.

The McRib

Sooooooooo, I don't know if you heard, but the McRib is back. Seeing how the point of Halloween is to scare the literal shit out of someone, and I can neither imagine anything scarier nor something that would induce as much fecal matter from a person as a McRib, here's the winner for scariest costume this year. 

Suri's Burn Book

If you're not religiously reading Suri's Burn Book, please remedy this ASAP. Like Regina George before her, "Suri" takes pen to paper (or keystroke to Tumblr page) to muse on all things celebrity children, generally to reprimand her own mother's sense of style...or lack thereof. Suri's burn book would be a great costume because it would give you free reign to chastise everyone's clothing, shoes, and general demeanor. Bonus tip: Make it a couple's costume and bring along mom Katie or wacky dad Tom!

Solo Costumes
Most of you will likely wait to the last minute to get your act together and end up flying solo costume-wise this year. These ideas should be both easy to wrangle up at the last minute and huge hits at whatever Halloween festivity you deem worthy enough to grace with your presence.

Lindsay Lohan

I wish there were some explanation I could provide for going as Lindsanity for Halloween, but nothing could really do as much justice as the visual above. Advice for the night: stay away from the candy, lest you want these teeth.

Boo, the Dog

Want to steal the attention from all the slutty cops, slutty angels, and slutty nuns on Halloween? What about all the people in costume, too?? Go as the world's cutest dog then! All you need for this costume is excessive body hair and puppy dog eyes. A tail wouldn't hurt either. Warning: heavy petting may occur in costume.

Jennifer Lopez, who can't stop crying

By now, you've heard of JLo's emotional on-stage outburst. What you haven't seen is her offstage wallowing as well! This Halloween, stuff some junk in your trunk, wear all your diamonds at once, and burst into endless tears at the most inopportune moments possible. Apple Bobbing? More like Apple Sobbing! Pumpkin Carving? More like Pumpkin Crying! Trick-or-Treating?? More like Tears Trick-ling down My Face and Eat-ing My Feelings!!!! Alright, so that one's a stretch, but you get where I'm going with this!!

Two Girls, One Ingredient: Butternut Squash

Dear Anyone Born After 1993,

As a child of the 80's, having a pen pal was a basic rite of passage, like learning to swim or the first time you hear a swear word. You see, people born after 1993, once upon a time, there were no computers, no smart phones, and certainly no internet, let alone lolcats! A time when we actually learned how to write in cursive. The horror!! So, what did we do in such uncivilized times to keep ourselves busy, besides hunting buffalo and squirrels (and yes, that is a reference to Oregon Trail)? Well, our parents set us up with a pen pal--basically a perfect stranger from the opposite side of the world, with whom we could trade HAND written notes about school, home, and other boring crap that kids want to talk about. Sometimes there were even real live pictures sent too! Sure, it tapered off after about 4 or 5 letters, but it was always exhilarating to get a piece of mail with your name inscribed on it while it lasted.

Sadly, pen pals died out when Facebook and the social media outlet du jour came to dominate any chance at human interaction we otherwise might have had. At least, that's what I thought until I was introduced to Jenna at the Paleo Project. Wouldn't ya know, it was a Facebook friend of mine that first introduced me to the Paleo Project earlier this year, and I've been girl crushing ever since. It started with a bit of mutual comment posting on each other's blogs, and over time morphed into guest blog posts, Facebook friending, and even texting!! Yes, little, tiny people born sometime after the year 1993, it's a modern-day version of a pen pal!

Jenna and I discovered we shared a love of several things, including but not limited to creating innovative and delicious paleo eats, blogging, and staring at pictures of ourselves. Which is why, dear dear little people born post-1993, we've decided it best to combine our forces and delve head first into a new joint-venture: Two Faced! The concept is simple--each week, we take one ingredient and each put our own spin on it. That's it. Start here, end there. Or vice versa. Whatever, it doesn't matter. All that really matters are people sharing common human experiences, isn't that right, people barely able to vote? 

So with that, I implore you to unlock the chains of modern technological advancement, take your thumb directly out of your ass, and join the HUMAN experience. Unless of course, you're online reading this blog and that blog. The human experience can wait another 15 minutes. Trust.

XO,

Melissa

************************************************************************************************************

For this edition of Two Faced, we're tackling the very versatile butternut squash. I stumbled across this recipe for butternut squash fries, and unlike one of my favorite recipes for sweet potato fries, this one promised crispy "fries." I played detective to find out if it's true.

Firstly, you need a butternut squash--duh! You're only using the top, straight section here, so the taller it is, the better. Having recently become the proud owner of a mandolin slicer, I used mine to cut the squash into fries. They came out a bit thin, but hell, it was less work for me!

So, the crispy fry thing. Let's talk about this. Like sweet potatoes, squash has a high water content, making it difficult to roast in an oven without become soft/mushy/soggy/insert-undesirable-fry-texture-word-of-choice-here. The cure? Sweat 'em. Like you would sweat an onion in a saute pan. In case you're a total trainwreck in the kitchen, what that means is lay the fries on a pan covered with paper towels and generously sprinkle kosher salt all over them to draw the moisture from the fries. Eventually, they're gonna look like they're sweating worse than a whore in church.

The recipe I used suggested letting them sweat for about 30 minutes, but honestly, there was still a good amount of moisture left in mine. I could totally see doing this for several hours, or even overnight, but I was short on time, so I didn't do that. 

Once they've sweated, you then need to thoroughly pat them dry. I worked in small batches and used countless paper towels. Again, I wonder if sweating them longer would help.

The next trick to getting a crispy fry, supposedly, is not to roast the fries, but to broil them. The recipe strictly says to use a scant amount of oil (coconut or olive), but frankly, I would recommend skipping it altogether. Even though I only drizzled a bit onto the pan directly to prevent sticking, many of my fries still came out soft. Next time, I'm going to pass on the oil altogether and broil the fries on parchment paper.

Now, all that aside, these did turn out really tasty, and some were even near crispy! I thought about making a sage aioli to go with them, but after trying them with ketchup, there was no need. Served this way, they actually DO taste like real french fries. You can see the full version of the recipe here.

Head on over to The Paleo Project to see the amazing pie Jenna whipped up!

Uptight Lady's Strata

Have you seen The Family Stone? It's this amazing movie with SJP and Luke Wilson. Oh, Diane Keaton is in it too. And Rachel McAdams. Claire Danes is in it too, but who cares? Anyway, it's this movie centered around Christmastime (hello, seasonal reference!) and Diane Keaton's matriarch character intimidating SJP's tightly wound Meredith, would-be fiance of eldest Stone boy, Everett. Anyway, it's an emotional rollercoaster of...emotions. You'll laugh, you'll cry--you'll UGLY cry. It's serious. Seriously.

Anyway, there's a scene in the movie where SJP's relentless efforts to be accepted into the Stone family result in her attempt to make the perfect Christmas morning breakfast: The Morton family strata.

When I saw this movie, I had no idea what a strata was, but from Meredith's Martha Stewart-esque description, it's basically a fancy way of saying "breakfast casserole." I mean, it's eggs, some cheese, meat, and, in this case, stars of bread. My mom used to make something really similar, minus the star-shaped bread (we just tore it into chunks). Breakfast casserole was a kind of special treat in our house, like french toast or extended curfews, so we didn't have it often, but when we did, I generally had a serving, or three.

Even though I've brainwashed myself on the evils of bread and all things glutenous, I still find myself craving breakfast casserole, especially on the weekends. It's incredibly easy to pull together, serves a ton, and, of course tasty. So this weekend, I "challenged" myself to make a paleo version. I use the word "challenge" loosely, as my idea of making something with bread or potatoes paleo is to swap it out for cauliflower. And so that's exactly what I did.

When you're making a breakfast casserole, think of ingredients you would use in an omelet, since basically this is just a giant pan of omelet. I used onions, mushrooms, sausage, sage, and goat cheese.

 It was basically delicious.

Breakfast Casserole (otherwise known as Uptight Lady's Strata)*
Makes 9 large servings

• 12 eggs
• 1/2 head of cauliflower, cut into small chunks
• 1/2 pound pork sausage
• 1 yellow onion, diced
• A couple handfuls of mushrooms
• A few fresh sage leaves
• Goat cheese
• salt and pepper to taste

1.) Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.

2.) In a pan, saute diced onion in olive oil or butter until translucent. Add sausage to brown. Set aside. 

3.) In a medium sized bowl, whisk eggs with salt, pepper, and chopped sage. Pour onion and sausage mixture and mushrooms into a 9x13 inch casserole dish, then add the cauliflower. Pour whisked eggs on top of that. Top with crumbled goat cheese.

4.) Bake for 20 minutes, or until eggs have set.

*You can use any combination of ingredients here. Try green chilies, spicy chorizo and mozzarella for a southwestern flavor or artichokes, sundried tomatoes, and feta for a Mediterranean flavor. The sky's the limit! And don't let any uptight lady's tell ya any differently!

Taste of Charleston--Literally

Remember that time I wore a dress made entirely out of cake? That was pretty cool. But this isn't about that. Not really, anyway. This is about everything else I did that weekend in Charleston, and by "everything else", I mean, everything I ate. And drank. And was coherent enough during to take pictures of. Ya heard?

The whole cake dress spectacle was part of Charleston's annual metaphorical toast to obesity, Taste of Charleston. My friend/hostess/baker extraordinaire Katelyn was on hand to see to it that, like Scarlett O'Hara, I would never go hungry again!

It started with these:

Yep, that's right. Coconut cake pops. Talk about knowing your audience. This was the best welcome gift I could have received. Then it was off to the Taste event! Our first responsibility was to find the drinks--mimosas it is/was/always will be!

{The adorable Katelyn!}

{The adorable...me!}

Having gained a bit of weight fame from the previous night, we were greeted with open arms and free food (tickets ran $2 a pop!). This shrimp and grits was lit'rally to die for.

The star of the whole show though was the lobster and white bean salad. I mean, obviously.

My last night in Charleston was spent celebrating a job very well done by Team Cake Dress at O-Ku, an amazeballs sushi joint in downtown Charleston. I'll say this: it pays to know people in the food industry. We were treated like KINGS!

KINGS I tell you!!

Do you know what this Japanese dessert is??

Well, neither did the pastry chef instructor!! But I did!!! It's mochi, an ice cream treat wrapped in rice paste (available at a Trader Joe's near you!). Is it wrong I got such a high knowing about a dessert that a pastry chef didn't?? SMALL VICTORIES, people! It's what I live for!!

We rounded off the night at the O-Ku-owned bar a few doors down (sorry I don't remember the name to all these places. I'm drunk right now, as I write this...) with the most over-the-top cocktails you can imagine. They were amazing, until I realized the bartender had this wicked cut on his wrist.

We all got tetanus shots the next day, right ladies???