Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Reading is Stupid and Books Are Dumb: And Other Words of Wisdom That Come From My Mouth

I hate reading blog posts that don't have visuals embedded in them to break up the text, because let's face it: I read at a second grade level. That's not to say my literacy stops there, it's just to say, that's where I prefer to keep my reading challenge: right above flipbooks, but just below the reading comprehension required to read the facts on the back of a cereal box. If I've described you, then you're about to be set up for a world of disappointment today. Leave immediately and go directly here. You're welcome.

The last time I read a book, temperatures were in the 90's. I dunno. Maybe that's not all that long ago to some of you, but it seems like a lot of you are constantly obsessing over some new book. Meanwhile, I'm like, "how do people even know when books come out? Is there a YouTube channel of book commercials I can watch?" I'm not bringing this up because I'm particularly proud of it; but I'm not necessarily ashamed of it either. It's simply a fact. It just kind of IS, like 4G or those little paper cups that you pump ketchup into--I don't really give it much thought. 

But just because I'm not a voracious reader, I wouldn't let that stop me from churning out a book of my own! (I'd let the fact that a.) I don't know how to construct a book in the first place and b.) I don't have a book deal anyway stop me.) That said, I think the best part of any book I could possibly pen would have to be its titles. So, until Random House calls me, I'll leave you with merely the makeup of the chapter names of my memoir.

Prologue: Confessions of a Drag Queen in a Woman's Body
Chapter 1. I Think the One Thing We Can All Agree On is That Carpet is Terrible!
Chapter 2. 8 Reasons Why Everyone Should Own Silk Track Pants
Chapter 3. "Don't Let Anyone With Bad Eyebrows Tell You Shit About Life" And Other Truisms
Chapter 4. GOLDDDD!!!
Chapter 5: The Art of the Selfie
Chapter 6: Fat Days, Ugly Face Days, and Other Things that Can Ruin an Otherwise Perfectly Fine Day
Chapter 7: The Most Disgusting Thing You Will Ever See is a Man Applying Chapstick
Chapter 8: Looks Aren't Everything -- They're the Only Thing
Chapter 9: Why Don't Guys Want to Get Manicures?
Chapter 10: Pinterest is Trying to Kill You: A Self-Defense Manual
Chapter 11: How to Master DIPE-ing (the Documented Incident of Public Eating)

I've just checked with Kyle and he tells me that 11 chapters are more than enough for my unpublished book, but I want you to know that there's more where all this came from. But I'll wait to share until my second book comes out.

6 comments:

Gayla said...

I like it! You should read it in a YouTube video to be really ironic, with all your funny expressions and double takes! I think the chapter on selfies would be very educational for a lot of people!

Daryl Lindsey Schmidt said...

I....feel like this memoir could actually be a best seller. And this worries me a little bit. But in other news HAHAHAHA you are awesome.

<3 Daryl
Unlost

Meg O. said...

When can I preorder this book???

Bre said...

I would totes buy that shit. And read it!

Christina Virosteck said...

I would totally buy your book! I LOVE the tone of your blog…so perfectly snarky :)

The Lady Olive said...

Ugly face days are the worst! I would definitely read this.

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