The Best Shows on TV I Can't Tell if Anyone's Watching

I watch a lot of TV. Like, a lot. I don't watch it because I think it will make me a better person (that's what lying about volunteering is for) or because I think it will make me smarter (that's what using big words I don't know the definition of is for) or because I think it will make me prettier (that's what botox is for). I watch it for the right reasons, you guys: to be happier and more fulfilled.

There's a lot of people who think vegetating your ass on a comfortable seat for an inordinate amount of time whilst watching both scripted and unscripted shows and movies on the boob tube is a waste of time. To those people I say you're not watching the right stuff!

Part of my TV "obsession," which by the way, is like, such a derogatory word to describe something so pure and beautiful, but whatever, probably comes from my childhood ambition of one day being ON the TV. I was gonna be an actress, see! And I was gonna be the best actress there ever was, ya hear?! And so I had to study my craft, I tell ya! I DID I DID I DID!!!! (pounds fist on table, breaks into uncontrollable sobs) It also probably comes from the fact that I was an only child and wanted the "company" of the TV, but that's neither here nor there.

So like I said before, I watch a lot of TV. If there was a job where I could just watch TV all day and then write about my opinions of TV shows, and that job paid a million dollars and gave me access to endless of reruns of Petticoat Junction, Small Wonder, and Lost, we-he-heeeelllllll, I'd probably take it. Depending on the 401K plan, of course.

So, as I plopped my fat ass on the couch last night to enjoy a few of my DVR recordings from the week, I realized that these few hours (Yes, HOURS?!?! What?!) I spend in the evening catching up with my television friends is one of my greatest stress relievers. Did you know that high stress levels can literally take years off your life? YEARS!?!? I mean, I realize there are many ways to relieve stress, including massages and exercise, but massages are expensive and exercise, ya know, blows. Indeed, TV watching is one of the most cost effective and energy conserving ways to reduce your stress levels. I guess what I'm trying to say is, TV makes you live longer. BOOM! Facts!

Moreover, what I'm really trying to get at is there are some shows in particular that really put me at ease. That is, however, until I realize that very few people I know seem to be watching them with me. Suddenly, what was supposed to be a moment of calm in my storm of a day turns to worry, which causes wrinkles, hence the need for the botox! Therefore, I have to share a few of the shows I'm unsure are being as thoroughly enjoyed by others as they are by me so I don't have to go through the stress of enduring a premature series finale, waiting for a mid-season replacement that's probably 45% as good as the show it replaced that'll probably just get cancelled anyway, until ultimately just giving up and waiting for the next season of Dance Moms to return. In other words, here are the best shows on TV I can't tell if anyone's watching, as curated by me:

1. Happy Endings
I've been watching Happy Endings since its inception 2 years ago. I had no hope for it since it starred that chick from "The Girl Next Door", but I gave it a shot since it had that other girl from the Foux du FaFa episode of FOTC and that brunette girl from SNL who got fired after one season (I knew these things without having to Wikipedia them, btw), and it's probably one of my favorite shows right now. Well, it's a tie actually between this and Parks and Rec. Cain't NOBODY touch Leslie Knope, Donna, and Tom Haverford. Cain't NOBODY! Fun Fact: I found my Thierry Lasry sunglasses after seeing Happy Endings character Jane wearing them in one of the episodes! So anyway, the show's hilarious and because I'm having a hard time finding just one clip to convey how over the top hilarzballs it is, here's the first two minutes of last year's season premiere:


2. Suburgatory
Okay. So. We ALL thought this was gonna be a huge downgrade for Cheryl Hines as her post-Curb debut, but the joke was on us when we were introduced to the likes of Dalia Royce and the abs of Ryan Shay.



As far as I'm concerned, this is Must See TV.

3. The Mindy Project
If it's not obvious that I idolize Mindy Kaling, then I clearly haven't been neurotic enough. Love me, love me, LOVE MEEEEE!!!!! I guess what I'm trying to say is I was looking forward to the premier of The Mindy Project from the moment I heard Kelly Kapoor wouldn't be returning for this season of The Office. Sadly, the show was a mere three episodes in when they took a 2 week hiatus for some dumb reason like Presidential debates or something, I dunno. But it came back this week, and I'm pretty scared many people have already forgotten about it. We can't forget about it, you guys!!! For the love of all that is good and holy, it'd be like waking up from a quick doze watching Amelie and spilling red wine on yourself and thinking you'd been shot! Just...watch the clip:


4. Drag Race All-Stars
This is the only cable show I'm featuring, thereby acknowledging that you all might not actually think you have access to the Logo channel, BUT did you know you could watch full episodes of Drag Race online? THERE!! Now you have no excuses to not know the meanings of "the T," "the House Down," "Sickening," "BAM!," or "The Library is Open." And how could you NOT be enchanted by two queens trying to Lip Sync...for their Liiiiiiiiiiiife?


The honest truth is there are many, many more shows that bring me pure, unblemished joy and I'm sure just as many that I'm not watching, but since I don't get paid millions of dollars to do this, I gotta go to bed. But before I do, I have to know--are any of you watching these shows??? Do you feel like they help you relax? What other shows are you watching? I bet I watch them too, but just let me know anyway in the comments!