Sofa King

This is a story about a couch.

This couch, matter of fact.

I dragged Kyle to a furniture store today that's going out of business and "liquidating" everything. As it happens, we're moving into our new place next month and the must-have item on our list of "Expensive Shit We Need to Spend Money We'd Rather Spend on Booze/Shoes" is, you guessed it, a couch. 

So, having successfully coerced Kyle to take his lunch break to browse for furniture, we spotted this amazing light grey sectional on their second floor. 

It meets Kyle's requirements of lounge-ability and seating, and mine of, well, the same requirements I have of everything: lookin' good. The price of $2,900, however, did not. Granted, it seemed like a steal compared to the original price of $4,600, but it was still far out of our price range. Not to mention, they only had the floor model to sell, meaning it had a few imperfections.

Of course, as two career sales people, we assume everything is negotiable, so we chatted with the sales guy who was stalking helping us, and asked him for a better price. He came down, but not by much. 

So, I did what any shopaholic worth her Jeffrey Campbell's would do: I asked who made the sofa and went back to my computer to shop for a better deal. And wouldn't ya know it? Even AFTER coming down on the liquidation price, they were still several hundred dollars over what every other retailer was selling it for NEW!!! Going out of business, eh? Couldn't possibly be because your mark-ups are out of effing control?!?!?! I love punctuation!!!!!!!!

So, after a quick chat with my mom to review its design elements and verifying its quality (this is my first couch purchase, after all), Kyle placed a call to our sales guy to see if they would make us a better deal. You know, what with being educated shoppers at this point. I found it pretty hilarious that in the same breath the guy touted their excellent customer service, he also told Kyle he would absolutely not budge on price and then hung up, probably to steal candy from a baby.

I'll be honest: I hate writing long blog posts and you hate reading long blog posts, so before you decide to never come back, let me just tell you how this whole thing is hashing out. 

We found another local store that will have a new couch made for us at the rate we found online. Meanwhile, a different person at the furniture store (presumably the owner) called Kyle this afternoon apologizing for the other salesman and promising that he would "talk to his people" and get back to us tomorrow. The man sounded either drunk or medicated, so jury's out on whether we'll ever hear back from him, or if he's even still alive, but I'm interested in what happens next. I mean, it's a floor model for God's sake!! Oh, and did I forget to mention? YOU'RE GOING OUT OF BUSINESS! Money is money. Any good whore will tell you that.

I love this couch. I want this couch. I would look AMAZING on this couch. And let's face it, Kyle looks pretty cute on this couch, too. 

How to Get A Salon-Worthy Blowout at Home

Here I am, world! In all my naturally wavy/frizzy/bird's nest hair glory. 

This is why I don't go anywhere without an umbrella, allow my hair to get wet in a pool, and avoid most activities that would result in my perspiring. THIS is what would happen.

Like so many frizzy-haired girls before me, I grew up wanting stick straight hair. When I was 11, I started chemically straightening my hair, but since I started coloring my hair at 15, I had to forgo the straightenings so I could, ya know, have hair. 

So, without a chemical means of getting it, I had to perfect alternate means of getting the smooth, straight hair I wasn't fortunate enough to be born with. And thus, an unbreakable bond with my hairdryer, flat iron, and curling iron was born. 

I've gotten really good at styling my hair. I mean, if I had a nickel for every time someone asked me how I do my hair, I'm fairly certain I'd have at least several, if not many, nickels. Which brings us to today's post: How to Get A Salon-Worthy Blowout at Home.

It's an ironic title, actually, since I've really NEVER gotten a good salon blowout (although I'm still totally excited about trying this out). From the first picture, it's pretty obvious my hair has a mind of its own. It doesn't work like most people's hair, straightening out from a paddle brush alone. It requires more technique and styling tools than most stylists are willing/trained to employ. Which is why I know that this tutorial will give you great results. At least, I hope it does. And hey, if it doesn't, at least you don't have to tip me!!

To get started, you must have the appropriate tools:

You should have most of these tools already: hair dryer, 1 1/2 inch barrel curling iron, flat iron, medium sized round brush, and a Chi ceramic straightening brush (great for getting even the kinkiest hair smooth). 

As for styling products, I keep it pretty simple. I know there's tons of products designed for helping straighten hair, but I opt only for Moroccan oil and light hold hairspray. For all you fine-haired ladies out there, this should help keep the grease-buildup to a minimum.

Beginning with damp hair (I allow mine to air dry for about 10 minutes), comb a dime-sized amount of Moroccan oil through your hair. Less if you're hair is shorter.

Oh, how did this very modelesque picture of me get in here??? 

Next, move on to drying your hair.

A.)   B.)

A.) You're going to dry your hair in sections. Yes, it's going to take some time, but looking sickening doesn't come easy, so get over yourself. Start with the bottom third of your hair. Pin up the rest of your hair to keep it out of the way.

B.) Take a two-inch section of hair and with the round brush perpendicular to your head, begin drying hair, gently rolling the brush under at the ends. (I use the hottest/highest setting on my hair dryer. I also hold the nozzle super close to the section as I dry. I don't care if it's not good for my hair.)

C.) D.)

C.) Because the round brush alone doesn't always get my hair straight, I'll repeat step B with the Chi straightening brush. 

D.) When you've finished the bottom section, let the side section above your ear down. Continue steps A-C until you get to the sides and top sections.

*And now, a note about drying the side sections of unruly hair.

My hairline is the most difficult part of my hair to dry because I have so many cowlicks and curls. I can only assume most stylists don't seem to have this problem, as they all do the same thing: dry the hair AWAY from my face, holding the brush parallel to my head. THIS DOES NOT WORK! So stop doing it. All it does it make a crease in the opposite direction. If you've got my same problem, then surely you already know it won't smooth out your waves or cowlicks. Here's a photo with an X through it to further illustrate the point.

Even if you were touched by an angel when you were born and don't have this problem, I promise you, styling your hair this way isn't doing you any favors. 

Instead, holding the brush perpendicular to your face, brush the hair in downward sections. This allows you to smooth out any of the mess around your hairline and also gives you nice lift around your face. It's like we say in Texas, "The bigger the hair, the closer to God."

Similar to the side sections, the front section, which might be bangs for you if you have them, is one of the most important elements of a good blow out. Again, where most stylists get it wrong is pulling the hair toward the back. Using the downward motion you use on the sides, pull the front section in the opposite direction you want it to lay. This will give it height and body in the direction it ends up laying.

For instance, I always pull my front section forward, in front of my face, which gives me lift in the back. 

For many of you, you might be satisfied with your hair at this point, in which case, be done and go forth with your fab-a-lus coif. In my case though, I'm just getting started.

When my hair is completely dried, I then go back and straighten any sections of hair that didn't get completely smoothed out from the blow dry. This generally includes, surprise, surprise, my hairline.

Again, for many of you, this may be enough, but I generally like to curl the ends of my hair. It gives the hair extra bounce and frankly, just looks amazeballs. But I'm not just talked curling the ends under. It's a more sophisticated technique than that.

1.) 2.)

1.) Grab a 2.5 inch section of hair and wrap the hair in your curling iron about half way up the section, leaving the ends out of the clamp.

2.) Then, wiggle the clamp just enough to allow you to move the rest of the hair down the curling iron, twisting the curling iron as you work your way down.

3.)   4.)

3.) Continue the wiggle and turn method through the ends of the section...

4.) ...Until you have a loose ringlet.

Do this all over your head, alternating the direction of the curl (i.e., toward your face, away from your face). You'll end up with a head of loose ringlets. You can stop here and finish with a light hold hairspray, or...

...for a more tousled look, you can shake the curls out with your hands like so:

 

Finish with a light hold hairspray at the ends and roots.

I just get so pensive when I use hairspray. I think about things like the deficit, ending hunger in third world countries, and what color I should paint my nails this week.

Because of my hair color, I only wash my hair twice a week, three times if I work out, which means this style generally lasts me several days, with only light touch ups in between, making the 45 minutes I spend on my hair totally worth it. 

Seriously, don't bitch about the time effort!!! Looking this good takes work y'all!

So dear readers, tell me, do you have naturally curly hair?? Do you like your salon blowouts?? What color are YOU going to paint your nails this week?? Tell me everything in the comments!

Le Bunny Bleu Shoes

Well, if it's not one natural disaster, it's another. People on the east coast are bracing themselves for Irene this weekend, in much the same way one might brace themselves for the arrival of a middle-aged, angry, divorcee aunt at Thanksgiving: avoidance and stockpiles of liquor.

I, on the other hand, am taking matters into my own hands. My feet, actually.

Making the usual pit stop among my favorite blogs last week, I spotted a pair of shoes I simply had to own at VivaLuxury. They come from a company in NYC called "Le Bunny Bleu." The name alone instantly turns grey clouds bleu, don't you think??

First of all, the packaging is j'adorable! I have no idea what these things are. I thought they were face blotters...

...but ruled them out only after trying to use them as such. It's called SCIENCE, y'all, and I'm not afraid to use it. Anyway, if you know why a shoebox would include these small translucent brown papers, please tell me. Otherwise, I'm gonna continue to wipe grease from my face with them. And that's a promise.

Although I never use them, I love when shoes come with their own shoe bag. I'm an American...I like stuff. What do you want??

But what, praytell do these swoon-worthy shoes look like?? 

Any guesses yet...???

OH HELLZ YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!

That's right--bunny shoes. Mother. Effing. Bunny. Shoes. These have everything: color, purpose, whimsy! Oh, the whimsy!!!!

Just look at that face...

LOOK AT ITTTTTT...

I mean, a bunny? On your foot?? If this doesn't get you excited about a flat shoe, then clearly you have no soul, said the girl wearing 5-inch heels.

Speaking of "souls", check out the red sole on these bunnies puppies:

Eat your heart out Louboutin. And unlike the lawsuit-happy designer, these precious little feet coverings will only set you back $49! Plus, there's no shipping OR tax! I don't know how they get away with it, but you should probably order as many shoes from them as you can before they hop away. <-- bun pun! I've already got my eye on these and these.

Would it be too much to wear these with a bunny suit?? I'm giving it serious consideration.

Faux-tato Salad

I'm just gonna put this out there: I love potato salad. There's nothing chic about boiled potatoes, mayonnaise, and pickles served cold, but in the words of Thelma Harper, hot damn it's delicious.

I don't even care that a notoriously summertime dish may seem unseasonable as of next month--having come up with a paleo version of potato salad is probably the most brilliant thing I've done all month. 

I've cleverly given this dish the moniker "faux-tato salad" because, as you could presume, there are no potatoes in it. Can you guess what replaced the potatoes???

Yep, my ol' standby, cauliflower. I feel like the McGuyver of paleo cooking, lately--give me a coconut and a head of cauliflower and I can make you a three course dinner.

While I could wax poetic about how delicious this is, I'd rather you just make it and come back to tell me how much you loved it. And as you do that, think about the various health benefits linked to cauliflower:

• After citrus fruits, cauliflower is your next best natural source of vitamin C, an antioxidant that appears to help combat cancer.
• 1 cup of cauliflower contains only 30 calories.
• Cauliflower is an excellent source of vitamin K and a very good source of omega-3 fatty acids (in the form of alpha-linolenic acid, or ALA), two hallmark anti-inflammatory nutrients, helpful for decreasing risk of cancers and cardiovascular diseases.
• A cup of boiled cauliflower contains about 3.35 g of dietary fiber, which helps clean your digestive system (in other words, it helps you poop!).

If pooping with more regularity doesn't pique your interest, then, *snort*, I don't know what will!!

Faux-tato Salad
makes about 8  1/2 cup servings
*Feel free to add your own mix-ins (green olives, onions, bacon, capers, etc.)

• 1 head of cauliflower
• 3 eggs
• 3 pickles or 3 Tbsp. relish (I used pickles because I was too lazy to buy relish. Incidentally, I like the rustic look of the chopped pickles)
• 1 tsp. dried dill
• Salt and pepper to taste
• 1 cup mayo
• 1 Tbsp. dijon mustard

1. Roughly chop cauliflower into bite-sized pieces, then place in a pot of boiling water. You need enough water to cover the cauliflower. Cook until the cauliflower is fork-tender.

2. Drain cauliflower well and then refrigerate for a few hours.

3. In the meantime, boil 3 eggs (for best result, add eggs to water before boiling, then bring to a hard boil for about a minute. Turn off burner and let sit for about 5 minutes). Remove the eggs and allow those to chill for a few hours as well.

4. Once the cauliflower and eggs are chilled, you can further chop the cauliflower and dice the eggs. If you're using pickles, dice those as well.

5. In a large bowl, combine all of the ingredients until everything is covered. Refrigerate for another hour before eating.

What Virginia's Earthquake Means to Me

Editor's Note: For full effect, please read this in the voice of a 6-year old.

Today, there was a earthquake.

It was scary because the building shaked. I thought it might fall down. I've never felt a earthquake before. Even though it scared me, it was kind of fun too.

Mom says I can say it was fun since no one got hurt. Well, except for the olive oil, balsamic vinegar, and shelves in our IKEA cabinet. When my mom saw it, she yelled all kinds of words she says I'm not allowed to use until I'm 18.

Here's a picture of the coconut butter. It got broke.

You gotta be real careful when cleaning glass.

The bottom of the coconut oil and coconut butter jars broked, so (with the help of a adult) I scooped out the insides into a new jar so we don't eat no shards of glass.

 It was a big ol' mess. We even had to throw out the kitchen rug. My mom said something about the kitchen sink, but I didn't understand.

After rinsing everything off, finding a new home for the pantry stuff, and scrubbing the floors, we got everything together again. Kinda like Humptey Dumptey. Except better.

Now, mom keeps talking about someone called "Renders Shurance." I don't know who that is, but I think he has something to do with our TV.

I am glad I survived the earthquake of 2011.