Only Nigella Lawson Could Make Cupcakes This Way

How was your Thanksgiving? Was it nice? Mine was. 


Were you full all the time? Yeah, me too.


Are you ready to take a break from holiday binging? 


Before you answer, it's probably best to take a page from the original Domestic Goddess Nigella Lawson's book: "I eat healthily. It`s just that I eat enough for five healthy people." I like this motto. I think I'll adopt through the end of the year.


After all, Nigella Lawson knows a thing or two about food. Between her 7 cookbooks, voluptuous bod, and penchant for sticking things in her mouth, it's no wonder she's become known as "the queen of food porn."

It's been rumored she had to ask the film crew to stop filming her ass. 

Thanks to the tight close-ups of bacon frying and bizarre concoctions like Bread and Milk, hers  was one of the first cooking shows I became obsessed with. I had no idea you didn't have to have a humpback a la Julia Child to be a foodie (no disrespect to Julia, obvi). Let's face it, if it weren't for Nigella Lawson, people like Giada de Laurentiis would be out of a job.

You're probably wondering what this has to do with cupcakes...me too. Oh yes, now I remember. So, anyway, I was watching an episode of Nigella's newest venture "Nigella Feasts" while recovering from a Mexi-coma (Mexican food coma, rebranded from SATC) and was excited to learn she would be making cupcakes.


I'm sorry to tell you, I was pretty horrified by her cupcake recipe. 
1.) Her measurements were eyeballed, at best. I know she's known for her laid-back cooking style, but c'mon!!! We're baking here!!
2.) She made the whole thing in a food processor. This I could have forgiven, but I simply couldn't overlook it when rounded out by number three;
3.) SHE NEVER CREAMED HER BUTTER AND SUGAR!!!!!!!!


That's right, people, Nigella Lawson, Domestic Goddess herself, skipped over the very basis of all good cupcake recipes and just pulsed the whole mess together, with little care to the chemistry of baking. Making matters worse, she only filled the liners about 1/4 full!! Maybe it's the magic of TV or the magic of Nigella's cleavage, but somehow or another, these things actually turned out!!! 


Did I miss something? Have the rules of baking changed while I was in Houston?! Regardless, I wouldn't personally recommend this recipe, but hell, give it a go. Oh, and uh, here's the video in case you wanna see the trainwreck for yourself (starts at 4:30):

Yes, That Cupcake is on Fire

Image via C&C Cakery

As November comes to a close, so does Movember--the month-long fundraiser for prostate cancer, finally giving dudes a valid excuse to grow the kind of mustache (read: John Watersy pencil 'stache or a "To Catch a Predator" style mustache) that will gross their girlfriends out but they can't do anything about because it is for a good cause, after all.


Anyway, in honor of said holiday, C&C Cakery is holding a contest for the manliest cupcake the blogosphere can whip up. So far, this beer spice cupcake with matcha frosting and a variety of edible accessories, including one that lights on fire, is the front runner in my book! Also cool, the creator has a full diagram of directions to create your own, if you're prepared to spend all day working on it, that is. And let's face it: if you're a man, you'll probably only make it 5 minutes before you belch, scratch, and plop down on the couch. God love 'em.

The secret is sugar cubes. Betcha didn't know you could light 'em on fire!

Photo via Diamonds for Dessert

I Do...Like This Idea

 

Photo via Green Wedding Shoes

With friends all around me getting married or engaged, I can't help but think about the desserts I plan on providing guests at my own ceremony...not that it's happening anytime soon or anything, Kyle!!! 

But let's face it, next to the dress, the desserts are what your guests will remember best. Because I have this blog, I'm sure it's not news that the sweets at my wedding will be front and center. For a long time, I've been thinking about having a dessert bar with all types of treats for people to choose from, but I just found this Cupcake Topping Bar on a wedding site that I'm thinking of stealing and passing off as my own someday....or maybe even doing for the friends of mine whose weddings I'll be making cupcakes for. What do you think??

I love the way they piped the icing on as a ring with the center left open for the filling of their choice!

 

These beat store-bought wedding cake anyday, hands down

Woodchuck Cider Pumpkin Cupcakes

This weekend, my boyfriend Kyle attended Manksgiving. If you're not familiar with Manksgiving, it's basically an excuse for a group of dudes who played rugby together in college to get silly drunk. Oh, and also to air "the grievances". Yes, they literally did that.

They also each had to contribute to the bounty of Manksgiving; a small nod to the men who have given "manks" before them... Yeah, I heard these puns alllllllllllllllllllll weekend. Kyle decided to make his mom's ragu alla bolognese, which I knew would be a huge hit, so I decided to contribute some booze-soaked cupcakes to the noble cause of intoxication.

Despite the fact that Kyle accidentally put the butter I was trying to bring to room temperature overnight back in the refrigerator (editor's note: it goes without saying, this discovery was followed by a thorough explanation of why ingredients like butter must be room temperature for baking), these cupcakes turned out light, spicy, and deliciously autumnal. 

I was very happy with the results and would encourage you to add them to your own giving of thanks/manks/and/or grievances.

After discovering my butter had been placed in the fridge, I had to
expedite the process of bringing it to room temperature by submerging
the butter in a bowl of warm water. It didn't work out quite as well as planned.

I found these eggs whose proceeds go to the Susan G. Komen foundation.
I bought them 'cus they were pink.

The batter looks like baby food, but it's not 'cus of the booze,
so, uh, you may want to hide ya' kids.

How all good things start: with two sticks of butter and a brick of cream cheese

See what I mean?? Good things = cream cheese frosting

I abandoned the idea of filling the cupcakes 

with caramel in favor of drizzling caramel on top...

...so I did it in the shape of the Georgetown Cupcake flower

And it was better than Georgetown Cupcake, not only because it was,
but because there were no lines and it has booze in it. Happy Thanksgiving!!

Woodchuck Cider Pumpkin Cupcakes

Yields about 2 dozen cupcakes (I got 19 'cus I like a big cupcake)

2 cup of all purpose flour
1 3/4 teaspoon of baking powder
3/4 teaspoon of baking soda
3/4 teaspoon salt
2 teaspoon of ground cinnamon
1 1/4 teaspoon of ground ginger
1 teaspoon of ground nutmeg
3 room temperature eggs

1 room temperature egg white
1 15 oz. can of pureed pumpkin (not the pie filling)
1 cup sugar
1 cup brown sugar
3/4 cup vegetable oil

1/2 cup Woodchuck cider (or any hard cider you like)

Woodchuck Cream Cheese frosting 

This will likely make much more than you need--either half the recipe or freeze the leftover

1  brick of cream cheese
2 sticks unsalted butter at room temperature
1/2 teaspoon of pumpkin pie spice
1/4 cup Woodchuck cider
4-6 cups powdered sugar, depending on how sweet you like it

Caramel sauce for drizzling

1. Line two cupcake tins; pre-heat oven to 400--we'll drop this to 350 once you pop the cupcakes in.

2. Combine flour, baking powder, soda, and spices in a bowl. Set aside.

3. Using a stand or hand mixer, combine eggs, pumpkin, sugars, oil, and cider until it resembles a boozy baby food.

4. In small batches, add the flour mixture to the wet ingredients. Mix until just incorporated.

5. Using an ice cream scoop, fill cupcake liners about 3/4 full (or, if you're me, 5/6)

6. Pop these bad boys into the oven, and immediately drop the temp from 400 to 350 for 20-25 minutes, or until a toothpick comes out clean. This helps you achieve the beautiful dome effect.

7. While the cupcakes cool, make the frosting. Start by whipping the butter and cream cheese together until light and fluffy. Then add the spices and cider.Add powdered sugar 1 cup at a time.

8. Once cupcakes are completely cooled, pipe frosting onto cupcakes. Adorn with drizzles of caramel. 

Free Crumbs Cupcakes!!

The word "free" can mean only one thing: happiness.

Free samples.

Buy one get one free.

Free at last, free at least, Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!

Proclamations of freedom and things that are free are generally followed by cheers and long lines (I live in DC...I know a protest when I see one!), so you should probably get in line now for DC's newest cupcake shop, Crumbs, when they give away free cupcakes to the first 1,000 customers on Friday the 19th. 

I missed the grand opening of the Metro Center location earlier this week, but given that I ate a Crumbs cupcake every day last week (thanks to a serendipitous stop in NYC that I'll be blogging about soon), I feel okay about it.

Look, I don't know if you have a choice in the matter, but if you get to pick your free cupcake, might I suggest the Artie Lange or a Good Guy? They're delicious, they get my stamp of approval, and frankly, that's all you need to know.

Crumbs' Vanilla "Good Guy"

Crumbs' Artie Lange Cupcake...srsly nomable

Cupcake Customizer

I got a tip from a friend on Facebook about NYC's Baked by Melissa's (no, not me Melissa) new cupcake customizer. If you're new to cupcake obsessions, Baked by Melissa's competitive differentiation is that they're bite-sized.  Not only are the bite-sized; they're filled too!

 

Baked by Melissa's sizing reference

I've never had one myself, but if they look half as good to eat as they are cute, I'm sure it'd be worth the 300-cupcake-minimum order required to get your own customized creation.

Of course, I picked a pink cupcake with lavendar frosting, rainbow sprinkles and a fluff filling:

We Should Probably All Move to New Castle, New York

I just got wind of a story out of New Castle, New York. Apparently, a local councilman called the cops on a couple of boys trying to hawk cupcakes and other treats in hopes of raising funds to someday open their own restaurant.

Here are the following reasons I want to move to New Castle:

1.) Does anyone even know where New Castle, NY is anyway? I'm not asking 'cus I'm bad at geography (although, I am bad at geography), but because I don't know anyone who's ever heard of New Castle, NY. You gotta figure, if no one's heard of the place, it's most likely some kind of magical land...I mean, "castle" is in its name!! I like to pretend that my New Castle has a big maze, just like in David Bowie's legendary 1986 film, The Labyrinth. And anyone who ever dare leave New Castle in hopes of, I dunno--freedom--must first conquer the maze and its crazy cast of characters. Now you tell me, who wouldn't want to live there?!

2.) Obviously, there is no crime in New Castle. EVER. Why else would any respectable police force be so ready to shut down the dreams of two pre-teen boys in a park?? Oh, suuuuure, councilman Wolfensoh, say you were worried about their safety...that's why you CALLED THE EFFING COPS! Did you forget, Wolfie?? You live in New Castle, where nothing ever happens!! The scariest thing you face is running out of Dep gel.

 It's evil...pure evil, I tell ya. And it must be stopped.

3.) New Castle is clearly one of those progressive towns, with farmer's markets, vegan restaurants, and gay marriages. The kind that does stuff when other towns aren't doing that same stuff. For instance, in the face of all this talk about this country's broken education system and how children of today are basically screwed, ol' Wolfie stands proud in his efforts to hold the youth of America back. Seriously, this is the face of progress people:

4.) Okay, so maybe I've been a little hard on New Castle up to this point. But for real, how good could those cupcakes be?? I mean, they were made by children!! It would be sheer luck to bite into one that didn't have a silly band baked in. Look at that guy...yeah, up there. He looks like he's eaten a few cupcakes in his day. Maybe they were shiteous cupcakes, did ya ever think of that?? Maybe he really was doing his civic duty to save us all from more terrible baked goods, but he didn't want to hurt their feelings so instead he blamed it on a silly license thing. 

So really, this is just a case of food policing! I'd be remiss if I didn't say he's exactly the person I'd want to put in charge of all decisions food-related.

God Bless Wolfie, God Bless New Castle, and God Bless 'Merica!

Thank You for Not Ruining the Cupcake: An Ode to Those Who Know Better

I've been maintaining this blog for over a year now, and if you know nothing else about me, you know I'm incredibly vain. 

If you know one more thing about me, it's that I love cupcakes. 

So, you might be surprised that I actually would thank people for NOT baking cupcakes, but you wouldn't be surprised when I tell you, "I don't care what you think; The point is, I look good."

After competing in the Miss Virginia USA pageant last weekend (one of the most vain things a person like myself could do), I had reached a point of hunger when chewing my own shoe leather wouldn't have been completely unfathomable. Of course, I would have preferred a cupcake. 

Unfortunately, with Flour Child Bakery closed and no other viable cupcake option in sight, I settled on a bowl of risotto as the first solid food I would eat in days.

It's probably reasons like this that I didn't win.

After scarfing that baby down--it weighed as much as a literal baby, I mean--I still couldn't shake the idea of having a cupcake, obvi. 

"Could I get one at the nearby P.F. Chang's?", I wondered. "What about the Cheesecake Factory? Perhaps that Irish bar down the way has one...I mean, it's only the biggest baked good fad since sliced bread!!!"

Maybe it was the fact that I'd only eaten about 4 ounces of tuna in a 3-day span, or the delirium caused by the fumes of too many self-tanner applications, but somewhere between starvation and insanity it dawned on me: cupcakes are only worth it when they're done well.*

Have you ever had a mediocre cupcake?? Ugh, I have. Too many times than I care to remember. Seems like everyone and their mom has decided to try their hand at cupcake-baking. Well, enough is enough!! The time has come to put our foot down and say "No more crappy cupcakes, world!!"

That's enough, Luby's. Stick to what you do best: Jell-O molds, rice pilaf, and Early Bird specials.

That's quite enough, Red Robin. What--hamburgers and milkshakes weren't enough for you?? Now you have to stake your claim on cupcakes, too??!! Egads!!

Photo via Guessing all the Way

That's ENOUGH, Cinnabon!! I would probably trample my own child (assuming I was capable of loving someone else in the first place) to get a whiff of that sweet, sweet cinnamon smell wafting through the stale mall air, but cupcakes?!?! They're dry, stale, and overpriced. DONE!

So, in conclusion, thank you. Thank you to all the restaurant chains, bakeries, wannabe blogger/bakers, and anyone else who's ever thought of hopping on the cupcake-baking bandwagon but got off at the "that's not a great idea" stop. I mean it when I say the world (and my ass) is a better place for it.

*To read what makes a great cupcake, check out my Rules.