Tuesday, November 16, 2010

We Should Probably All Move to New Castle, New York

I just got wind of a story out of New Castle, New York. Apparently, a local councilman called the cops on a couple of boys trying to hawk cupcakes and other treats in hopes of raising funds to someday open their own restaurant.

Here are the following reasons I want to move to New Castle:

1.) Does anyone even know where New Castle, NY is anyway? I'm not asking 'cus I'm bad at geography (although, I am bad at geography), but because I don't know anyone who's ever heard of New Castle, NY. You gotta figure, if no one's heard of the place, it's most likely some kind of magical land...I mean, "castle" is in its name!! I like to pretend that my New Castle has a big maze, just like in David Bowie's legendary 1986 film, The Labyrinth. And anyone who ever dare leave New Castle in hopes of, I dunno--freedom--must first conquer the maze and its crazy cast of characters. Now you tell me, who wouldn't want to live there?!

2.) Obviously, there is no crime in New Castle. EVER. Why else would any respectable police force be so ready to shut down the dreams of two pre-teen boys in a park?? Oh, suuuuure, councilman Wolfensoh, say you were worried about their safety...that's why you CALLED THE EFFING COPS! Did you forget, Wolfie?? You live in New Castle, where nothing ever happens!! The scariest thing you face is running out of Dep gel.

 It's evil...pure evil, I tell ya. And it must be stopped.

3.) New Castle is clearly one of those progressive towns, with farmer's markets, vegan restaurants, and gay marriages. The kind that does stuff when other towns aren't doing that same stuff. For instance, in the face of all this talk about this country's broken education system and how children of today are basically screwed, ol' Wolfie stands proud in his efforts to hold the youth of America back. Seriously, this is the face of progress people:

4.) Okay, so maybe I've been a little hard on New Castle up to this point. But for real, how good could those cupcakes be?? I mean, they were made by children!! It would be sheer luck to bite into one that didn't have a silly band baked in. Look at that guy...yeah, up there. He looks like he's eaten a few cupcakes in his day. Maybe they were shiteous cupcakes, did ya ever think of that?? Maybe he really was doing his civic duty to save us all from more terrible baked goods, but he didn't want to hurt their feelings so instead he blamed it on a silly license thing. 

So really, this is just a case of food policing! I'd be remiss if I didn't say he's exactly the person I'd want to put in charge of all decisions food-related.

God Bless Wolfie, God Bless New Castle, and God Bless 'Merica!

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