Big Top Cupcake

I'm from Texas. Howdy. We believe that everything should be bigger and, consequently, better (i.e., hair, hats, boobs etc.)

This concept of ginormous cupcakes so big they really no longer qualify as cupcakes isn't necessarily a new one, but now there's a fun, nay, groundbreaking new commercial to illustrate the wonderment of such a monstrosity:

ARE YOU RUSHING TO THE PHONE YET?!?!? Seriously!!! Did you see those cookie cutters at the end?!?! They're a $20 value!!!!!!! And you can fill the vessel of the cake!!!!!! GET RIGHT OUT OF TOWN!!! OMG, hurry up!!!! They're going to RUN OUT OF MERCHANDISE!!!!!! Are you in debt up to your ears?? Who cares?!!? It's worth defaulting on one more credit card payment when you can bake sweet, sweet, lifechanging Big Top Cupcakes!!!!

Google OS Nomenclature = Sugary Decimal System

Y'all probably heard that Google is coming out with their own smart phone. I guess it's cool. It's not my iPhone, however, which successfully dropped my call with my friend Shannon 26 times the other night. That takes real talent, Google!

Anyway, as with any masterpiece, the OS underwent a few versions before the initial launch, which is good since it worked out any kinks before you, the consumer, were inconvenienced by them (you hear that Steve Jobs?!).

It's kinda too bad though, because the nerds, ummm, I mean, programmers over at Google psuedonymed the first version of Android as the greatest word of all time: "Cupcake." It was subsequently followed by versions named after other, inferior desserts and pastries like "Donut" and "Eclair."

...And thus, the Sugary Decimal System was created. No one every had to worry about where to find the cupcakes amidst the whoopie pies or icebox cakes ever again. Order was restored the chaotic Pastry Kingdom and everyone lived happily, if not someone unhealthifully, ever after.

I Have 4 Days to Eat These Cupcakes

Generally, I don't put eat cupcakes with a time constraint on myself, but let's face facts: it's weird eating Halloween-themed cupcakes when Halloween is over. It's highly unfashionable, if you will. And if there's anything I'm not, it's unfashionable.

Until November 1st though, these little babies are the height of culinary fashion--the baked good equivalent of Lady Gaga's headgear obsession: colorful, attention-grabbing, and somewhat creepy, too.

Not only would this cookie-dough stuffed yellow cupcake topped with chocolate buttercream be devilishly delicious, but it's easy to make too. The recipe calls for doctored-cake mix!

Photo via A Baked Creation

Mmmm, mummies. Remind me to be embalmed and wrapped in muslin for all enternity if it means I turn into a pumpkin cinnamon chocolate chip cupcake topped with brown sugar buttercream!

Photo via Love and Olive Oil

Look at that spider, all greedy like, taunting me with his beady...eye? Proclaiming that this dulce de leche pumpkin cupcake is his, all hisssssssssss!! Oh, hey, spider, you're plastic, gimmie a break!!

Photo via Sweetest Kitchen

I can think of nothing scarier than gaining a few unwanted pounds this holiday season, so I should balance all these wheat-heavy cuppies with these brown and orange swirled Gluten-free ones. Low-carb + tasty cupcakes = me devouring a dozen in one sitting:

Photo via Wasabimon

Chocolate Pumpkin Spice Sam Adams Octoberfest Cupcakes

If you know me personally (and even if you don't, you can probably tell by now), I really love air conditioning.

Like, I would rather be subjected to watching an all-day movie marathon of Tom Cruise's "mega-hits" from the late '90s (i.e., That Movie that Made no Sense, That Porno that Made no Sense, That Movie that Made no Sense II) than experience a hot summer day without a working A/C nearby. And that's saying something. I mean, have you SEEN any of those movies?! They're horrible. Simply terrible. I dare you to watch any of them without wanting to seriously injur the next person you encounter...I double-dog dare ya.

Anyway, the point is, I love not being hot, hence I love fall. It brings with it cool, crisp air, beautiful colors, Lady Gaga's new album, and of course, great flavors, namely pumpkin. Have you ever had a pumpkin-flavored beer?? Well, have you!?!

Look, I'm not telling you to go out and get drunk, but you should probably go out and buy a case of Sam Adams' Octoberfest, lock yourself in a room for the weekend and drink all of it. It's not called alcoholism, it's called having a healthy dose of autumnal spirit!*

To get into the autumnal spirit myself, I decided to make these Chocolate Pumpkin Spice Sam Adams Octoberfest Cupcakes:

If you think drinking Sam Adams is good stuff, wait till you eat it. The cake was a super moist chocolate gingerbread-style cake, topped with a Sam Adams-infused cream cheese frosting.

It started like any work of art: with two sticks of butter beaten with 3 cups of sugar.

Then you mix your wet ingredients:

Oh, yeah, babe.

Then combine your dry ingredients. By the way, making these cupcakes, I learned that using really good quality cocoa really does make a difference in the flavor of the end product. So I bought this organic cocoa from Whole Foods, that not only tasted great, but it came in this pretty packaging too...we should all know by now that looks are really all that matter:

Then you basically mix all that junk together, pour in cupcake liners, and bake. Then, if you know what you're doing, they come out like this:

Yes folks, that's right. We have a  nearly perfect, slightly domed cupcake! This elusive creature has taunted me over the past few months, but alas, I have conquered this demon. HA HA!!

After they cool, you shelack your chocolate pumpkin spice Sam Adams Octoberfest cupcake with beer-infused cream cheese frosting and it's all pretty like this:

Am I drunk on Octoberfest or is this a beautiful cupcake? Maybe both...

Anyway, here's the recipe:

Adapted from Country Living

Ingredients

2 1/2 cup(s) all-purpose flour

2 tablespoon(s) all-purpose flour

1 cup(s) good-quality cocoa

2 tablespoon(s) good-quality cocoa

1 tablespoon(s) baking powder

1 1/2 teaspoon(s) baking soda

2 1/4 teaspoon(s) ground cinnamon

3/4 teaspoon(s) fresh-grated nutmeg

1/2 teaspoon allspice

1/2 cup(s) buttermilk

1/2 cup Sam Adams Octoberfest

1 1/2 cup(s) pumpkin purée

1 1/2 teaspoon(s) vanilla extract

2 1/4 stick(s) unsalted butter, softened

3 cup(s) granulated sugar
4 large eggs

Preheat oven to 375 degrees (we'll turn it down to 350 degrees once we pop the cuppies in the oven)

1. Beat butter and sugar together in a large bown until light, pale, and fluffy (about 4 minutes). Add eggs one at a time until well incorporated.

2. In a separate bowl, combine flour, cocoa, baking powder, baking soda, cinnamon, nutmeg, and allspice. Set aside.

3. In yet another bowl, combine buttermilk, pumpkin, vanilla, and beer until it resembles baby food.

4. Alternately add the flour mixture and buttermilk mixture, blending well after each addition. You should add the flour mixture in three parts, begining with the flour mixture and ending with the flour mixture.

5. Fill cupcake liner 3/4 full (that's what I did, anyway); bake for 28 minutes, or until a toothpick comes out clean. Allow to cool.

Frosting

1 package of cream cheese

1 package of powdered sugar

1 tsp vanilla

1/4 cup Sam Adams Octoberfest

Combine all ingredients until light and flufy. Top cooled cupcakes with gobs of frosting.

*No, actually, it is called alcoholism. Please enjoy all libations responsibly.

Cute Kid's Cupcake Costume Stolen by Cake Coinessuer, Ends in Tears

Washington, D.C.- Halloween: a child's sugar-coated dream come true or a nightmare on Elm-o street? Unfortunately, for parents in the sleepy town of...Dupont Circle, life truly is but a dream.

The terror began yesterday when Suzie Homacher put the finishing touches on her 6-year-old daughter Candy's Halloween costume.

"I got the costume idea from a Food Network magazine," the German-born Mrs. Homacher said through sobs. "She was so excited. She even took it with her to school."

Unfortunately, Candy's cupcake costume would never make it home from her cubby hole that day. It was after recess, but before nap time, when Candy when to grab her 2 PM blue raspberry Dum-Dum that she realized something was terribly wrong.

                                                                                      Photo via Suzie Homacher

"She was crying and saying something about her cupcake being gone," recalled school principal Frank N. Stein. "I just assumed one of the other kids took her Little Debbie, gave her a pat on the back and told her to move along. Dear God, what have I done?!" he lamented Thursday afternoon.

The normally bubbly 6-year-old is now a shell of her former self, say neighbors.

"She hasn't eaten a cupcake since the incident," her mother said. "And she keeps saying something about Lady Gaga. We just can't figure it out."

The thief remains on the loose, but local police warn parents and children to be on the lookout for any suspicious activity and Lady Gaga fans everywhere.

As for Candy, she'll be trick-or-treating this year, but instead of a cupcake, she'll be dressed as a dentist.

"It was difficult, but I think we've learned our lesson," said Mrs. Homacher. "I think we've learned our lesson."

A New Take on S'mores Cupcakes

I know what you're thinking:

Photo via bitesizebaker

"Where's the gooey, sugary, buttery frosting?!!"

I realize it's somewhat blashpemous to present you a naked cupcake, but hear me out. This is a s'mores cupcake, obvi. That's a graham cracker cupcake y'all...did you hear that droplet of drool hit my desk?? It's been sliced in half and assembled like your traditional campfire s'more, with a toasted marshmallow and a Hershey square smooshed in between.

Dear god, help me right now.

This is the kind of cupcake that's perfect for y'all that don't like frosting, or life in general. I mean, c'mon!! How could you be mad at anything digging into a cupcake like this?!?

If you really need frosting to feel complete, I'll help you cure what ails ya!

Meanwhile, I'm going to stop licking my screen and make these prontoooooooo!!!

Get the full recipe here and find out what true happiness feels like.

I Think I Just Barfed Cupcake A Little...

We've got problems in this world.

Big, big, big, problems in this mighty world of ours. And ya know what, problems are exactly what this blog--nay, the entire cupcake community--is out to solve through the mass production and consumption of these miniature treats. It's really a social movement, okay!?

I think the first world problem we should set out to tackle is abortion, am I right? It's TOTALLY the first thing that comes to mind when I think of world-problems-that-can-be-cured-with-cupcakes. Totally.

Thank GOD I wasn't the only person that thought so!!! In fact, thank God there was an entire DAY devoted to the mass production and subsequent forced consumption of pro-life cupcakes!!!

Can you believe some people think that women should get a say in the matter?! Hahahahahaha! How very "I don't live under a rock" of them!

I mean, think of it: you make innocent, tasty cupcakes, with messages like "Though Shall not Murder" and "I Heart Babies" scribed in hot pink icing, and force your children who probably can't even read the writing in the icing anyway take them to school and tell their classmates that each cupcake represents a child who will never have a birthday. Can you SERIOUSLY tell me that that DOESN'T make good sense???!! I mean, CAN YOU!?!? *

Anyway, I'm just so glad I stand for a cause that really doesn't have any impact on the way I choose to live my life. Oh wait...did I just say choose??!! OMG, I totally didn't mean to imply that I make choices on a day-to-day basis, because I mean, I totally don't.

Okay, well, I did pick out these shoes today. Okay, and yeah, I did vote in the last election. And sure, I have a say in who I decided to marry...but that doesn't mean you get to choose other stuff about your life in a free and democratic country, okay?! I mean, right?

*Of course you can, because it doesn't make ANY sense.

Editor's Note: Look, you can feel however you want about whatever you want, okay? But don't bring my beautifful, harmless, and very liberal cupcakes into the matter, would ya?

Cupcake Cars Make Young Children Scream with Delight/Answer Auto Manufacturer Prayers

Honestly, I couldn't have written this better myself.* Just click on the link and enjoy.

*Okay, so I probably could have written this better myself, but you know what? Why fix what ain' broke.