But just like running a marathon or watching a football
game, doing a juice “cleanse” has never really appealed to me. I looked at it
as a way to lose (water) weight fast to fit into an age-inappropriate dress for
a high school reunion or something, which, I mean, let’s face it, wouldn't apply to me anyway since my body type is still that of a perky, hipless 16-year-old. SHUT UP, YES IT IS!!!!!!!!!!!
And then, during my Whole Foods ritual of defensive
cart-pushing (you have to be on the lookout for distracted shoppers!), I spied
a bottle of something delicious looking: Cashew milk with agave and vanilla
bean. The label said “Blueprint” and had a pretty blue lid. I nearly put the bottle
in my cart before rushing to beat the lady with the cart overflowing with
frozen Amy’s meals and “Organic” potato chips before I realized the drink came
with an $11 price tag! If I’m paying over $10 for a beverage, it better make me
drunk or beautiful, or both, and as far as I could tell, it definitely wasn't going to make me drunk.
Despite the fact that I considered $11 superfluous for
one beverage, I couldn't stop thinking about it. Curious, I took to the ol’
internet to see if anyone else had seen these pricey little drinks. And that’s
when it all changed.
Blueprint is actually a NYC-based cold-pressed juice cleanse
company. Like, all they do is make juices that are supposed to clean your
system out (read: pee and poop) and give your digestive system a rest to
re-energize the rest of your body, and even help you lose weight. An $11 juice that makes me beautiful?? Tell me more! They offer a few different cleanse systems
that can be delivered right to your door for however long you want. So, if you
want to do a mini-cleanse, pick the three day option. If you wanna do the Gwynnie
“I’m Better Than You” cleanse, pick the 6 day option. And so on. They also
started selling their juices through Whole Foods to make more money them more accessible
to the masses, which is nice so you don’t have to pay the $40 overnight
shipping.
{The Green Juice is the first juice of the day and is a nutrient-packed concoction
of romaine lettuce, celery, cucumber, apple, spinach, kale, parsley, and lemon. Sounds...terrible.}
In case you aren't catching on, this shit’s expensive! We’re
talking nearly $200 for a three-day cleanse. Did you know you could just starve yourself for free??? But despite
my better judgment, I’m intrigued. The juices actually sound good (pineapple, apple,
mint? Um, delicious!) and I’m really curious about this whole giving your
digestive system a rest thing. Would I actually feel more energized if my pipes
were empty? Could I really reallocate that energy to something like working out
or judging people??
For those of you about to say something asinine like “okay,
but just make your own juices!” BLASPHEMY!!! No, but seriously, there’s like 6
cups of kale in just ONE of the 6 daily juices…and that’s only one of the
ingredients. So, the grocery items needed to make each juice would clearly be
no more cost effective than buying the pre-made cleanse. Right??
So, I’m curious Cupcult—should I do this cleanse? The few
people I've spoken with that have done it already have nothing but great things
to say (so far I've learned that they didn't feel hungry because they drank so
much and that it doesn't make your pee turn weird colors), but I’m curious if
any of you have ever done this or another cleanse. How did it go? What should I
know before doing a cleanse? Did yours make your pee turn weird colors??? I’m
very concerned about this. I need answers!!
