Friday, November 12, 2010

Thank You for Not Ruining the Cupcake: An Ode to Those Who Know Better

I've been maintaining this blog for over a year now, and if you know nothing else about me, you know I'm incredibly vain. 

If you know one more thing about me, it's that I love cupcakes. 

So, you might be surprised that I actually would thank people for NOT baking cupcakes, but you wouldn't be surprised when I tell you, "I don't care what you think; The point is, I look good."

After competing in the Miss Virginia USA pageant last weekend (one of the most vain things a person like myself could do), I had reached a point of hunger when chewing my own shoe leather wouldn't have been completely unfathomable. Of course, I would have preferred a cupcake. 

Unfortunately, with Flour Child Bakery closed and no other viable cupcake option in sight, I settled on a bowl of risotto as the first solid food I would eat in days.
It's probably reasons like this that I didn't win.

After scarfing that baby down--it weighed as much as a literal baby, I mean--I still couldn't shake the idea of having a cupcake, obvi. 

"Could I get one at the nearby P.F. Chang's?", I wondered. "What about the Cheesecake Factory? Perhaps that Irish bar down the way has one...I mean, it's only the biggest baked good fad since sliced bread!!!"

Maybe it was the fact that I'd only eaten about 4 ounces of tuna in a 3-day span, or the delirium caused by the fumes of too many self-tanner applications, but somewhere between starvation and insanity it dawned on me: cupcakes are only worth it when they're done well.*

Have you ever had a mediocre cupcake?? Ugh, I have. Too many times than I care to remember. Seems like everyone and their mom has decided to try their hand at cupcake-baking. Well, enough is enough!! The time has come to put our foot down and say "No more crappy cupcakes, world!!"

That's enough, Luby's. Stick to what you do best: Jell-O molds, rice pilaf, and Early Bird specials.

That's quite enough, Red Robin. What--hamburgers and milkshakes weren't enough for you?? Now you have to stake your claim on cupcakes, too??!! Egads!!

That's ENOUGH, Cinnabon!! I would probably trample my own child (assuming I was capable of loving someone else in the first place) to get a whiff of that sweet, sweet cinnamon smell wafting through the stale mall air, but cupcakes?!?! They're dry, stale, and overpriced. DONE!

So, in conclusion, thank you. Thank you to all the restaurant chains, bakeries, wannabe blogger/bakers, and anyone else who's ever thought of hopping on the cupcake-baking bandwagon but got off at the "that's not a great idea" stop. I mean it when I say the world (and my ass) is a better place for it.

*To read what makes a great cupcake, check out my Rules.


Anonymous said...

Freaking hilarious! I'm dying over here :)))))

Jessica said...

Oh hey girl. Love it. I got my first Baked and Wired last weekend ( first *two*). I'm not going to lie, I didn't hate it. We need to get on with a dinner date soon with the others now that you are no longer eating shoe leather and tuna!
-Jess Jones

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