Paleo No She Didn't: Spinach Artichoke Stuffed Chicken

Do you like dip? Who am I kidding...do you breathe?? Then this is the chicken for you. With a minor substitution, you can make a nearly flawless Paleo meal of your favorite dip pretending to be healthy by adding "spinach" to its name!

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Spinach Artichoke Dip Chicken
Makes 3 servings

Ingredients
- 3 boneless, skinless chicken breasts
- 5 ounces of fresh spinach
- 1/2 c chopped artichoke hearts (packed in water, not oil)
- 2 TBSP full fat mayo
- 2 TBSP plain goat cheese, room temp
- 1/2 tsp onion powder
- salt, pepper to taste
- grated parmesan, to taste

1. Heat 1 tsp of olive oil in a pan over medium heat and add spinach. Season with salt and saute until spinach is wilted (about 4 minutes).
2. Drain spinach in a colander
3. While spinach drains, pat chicken breasts dry with a paper towel. Then, using a small knife, make an opening in the fatty end of the chicken breast and create a pouch about two-thirds of the way into the chicken breast, being careful not to puncture the sides or the top and bottom.
4. In a medium bowl, combine drained spinach, chopped artichokes, onion powder, salt, pepper, mayo, and goat cheese until well combined.
5. Gently fill the pocket you made in the chicken breast with the "dip" and season the outside with salt and pepper.
6. Heat a TBSP of olive oil in a pan over medium heat. Add chicken and cook each side for about 7 minutes, or until golden brown on the outside and cooked throughout.
5. Sprinkle the top of the chicken breast with parmesan to taste. Place under the broiler for about 3-5 minutes, or until cheese melts and starts to brown. Serve hot.

Paleo No She Didn't: Eggs A La Francaise (yes, from RHONY)

Amazingly, Countess Luann didn't make up "eggs a la francaise." They're a thing and they exist and they're wonderful and paleo.

Eggs A La Francaise
Serves 1 (or 2 skinnies)

- 3 Eggs
- 2 Tbsp cold or lukewarm water
- about a Tbsp unsalted butter
- salt and pepper to taste
- parmegiano reggiano (optional)
- chives (optional)

1. Crack and whisk eggs in a bowl with the water. Salt and pepper to taste.
2. Over medium high heat, melt the butter in a pan
3. Remove pan from heat and allow to cool for a couple moments; turn heat to low.
4. Add the whisked eggs to the pan and whisk continuously and place back over the heat.
5. Keep whisking eggs until they reach your desired level of doneness. My eggs took about 10 minutes. Remember, keep it low and slow. They will be creamy.
6. Serve eggs with a sprinkle of cheese and chives

Ragu Bolognese with Doodles and Drag Queens

Tell me the last time you ate a radish. Do you need a minute to remember. Go ahead...take your time.

Do you remember now? Meh, that's okay; it's not like the radish is a particularly memorable vegetable anyway. What do you even eat radishes with/on? Kind of shitty salads sometimes? Maybe in a crudite platter, if you really think hard about it?

Look, if we've learned nothing else from 6 seasons of RuPaul's Drag Race, it's go big or go home, #amiriteladies. I mean, let's be honest: the radish is basically the India Ferrah of the vegetable world, only getting a moment in the spotlight when mildly assaulted by Mimi Imfurst.

In case you don't speak Drag-anese, what I'm saying is this dish that looks like spaghetti with meat sauce is actually Daikon radish noodles - doodles, if you're nasty! - topped with a nearly tomato-less ragu, and it will no doubt stay in your memory for a good, long time, similarly, but not nearly as traumatizing as, India Ferrah's breast plate.

Just like the tuck each queen must hide away before sashaying down the runway, this sauce is meaty! It's a rich combination or pork, beef, and pancetta. It's a slow cook, not unlike most great Italian dishes, so you may want to put on an Untucked marathon and settle in. But when it's done, you will think you've died and gone to Paleo heaven, where all the angels are ethereal Ladyboys and the cherubs are members of the Pit Crew.

For those of you who gave up giving a damn about your diet for Lent, this sauce is equally delicious served atop really good pappardelle noodles, too. NOT THAT I WOULD KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT!!! I haven't looked at a carbohydrate in about as long as it's been since Lance Bass saw a woman's vagina.

If the word vagina hasn't turned you off yet, then I like you. Let's be friends. And please, make this. You will love it.

Ragu Bolognese with Doodles

(Recipe from Kyle's mom)

Serves 8

• 3 Tbsp olive oil
• 2 medium carrots, peeled and finely diced
• 2 medium onions, finely diced
• 2 stalks celery, finely diced
• 1/2 lb pancetta, diced
• 1 lb ground beef
• 1 lb ground pork
• 1 Tbsp tomato paste
• 8 cups low sodium beef broth
• 2 1/2 cups whole milk (you can substitute for almond milk, but not coconut milk. you should probably just use whole milk though)
• 5 Tbsp butter

1. Heat oil in a large pot over medium heat. Add carrots, onions, and celery and saute until veggies are lightly browned. About 5-6 minutes.

2. Add pancetta and cook a couple more minutes until fat renders.

3. Add beef and cook until browned. Add pork and cook until browned.

4. Whisk the tomato paste into 1 cup of broth. Add this to the meat and simmer over low heat until all the liquid evaporated.

5. Add another cup of broth and simmer until it cooks off. Repeat adding 1 cup of broth at a time until all the broth has been absorbed, ~3-4 hours.

6. Add milk and butter and continue to simmer until milk is absorbed and sauce is thick, ~another hour.
7. Serve over noodles, zoodles, doodles or just eat out of bowl.

I'm Bringin' Avocados Back: Orange Stuffed Avocados

"Avocados are SO 2014," is what you would say if you never came across this blog post, but you won't, because I just catapulted this fatty berry into the year 2015.

For too long, we passionate paleo (or substitute your less annoying word here) practitioners have been boxed into the guacamole corner, sucking at the teet of avocado toast and Jack White's rigorous, albeit delicious, rider demands, but NO MORE, friends!!! For today, we put avocados back upon the pedestal that bacon once so brazenly took from them. Today, I present to you, the stuffed avocado:

Okay, so it's not that new I guess. And yes, guacamole ought to be its own food group. But let's face it: sometimes, you fall into an avocado rut, what with all the halving, the seeding, the peeling. WHAT DOES THIS FRUIT WANT FROM ME???? It's easy to say "fuck it, I'm slicing this bitch and topping my salad with it."

But if you have just a few extra minutes, and slightly more patience than an Oscar ceremony orchestra pit during the Best Sound Editing acceptance speech, then you'll understand what I mean when I say GURRRRRRLLLLLL, let's do this!!

This take has big, fresh Asian flavors, with only a few ingredients. I'll list the "recipe" below, but I use the term loosely, as you can modify this as much as you want depending on what you like (for example, I'm a spicy wimp, but if you're real into it, might I suggest some crushed red pepper flake or a little wasabi??). 

Now, all avocado needs to make its comeback complete is a surprise appearance in a public forum with Katy Perry! I think this year's VMAs would be appropriate.

Orange Stuffed Avocados

Serves 1

• 1 ripe Haas Avocado, sliced in half and pit removed
• 1 Navel orange, segmented
• 1 tsp fish sauce
• 1 lime
• coupla green onions
• salted peanuts 

In a bowl, combine the orange, fish sauce, and lime. Fill avocado halves with orange mixture and top with green onions and peanuts. YOU WIN LIFE NOW.

Paleo Banana Nut Muffin(top)

You know how you have those friends who you go weeks...months...YEARS without talking to, but when you finally do catch up, it's like no time has passed at all?? Well, the internet is NOTHING like that. 

The internet is like that fickle, easily distracted, slightly crazy friend you have. You know who I mean: the one who texts things like "who is this? I got a new phone and lost all my contacts" but you know is lying because what really happened was they deleted you from their contacts when you didn't respond to that text they sent you that one time within 5 minutes. That's the internet. And that's okay. That's what allows you to be obsessed with a blog one minute and then turn on it the next. And that's what allows me to drift in and out of blogging when my REAL LIFE decides to happen. 

Since I left you last, I've built a house, moved into said house, quit my job, and begun a new one. Also, I'm pregnant.

KIDDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We are not pregnant. At all. I'm just rockin' a hardcore muffin top y'all, which is exactly why I decided to make these paleo banana nut muffins this weekend.

I've been really lazy in the kitchen the past few months. Maybe it was the onslaught of holiday feasting, or the stress of packing ALL THE THINGS, but my Instagram feed tells the story of many an indulgent dinner out, lots of dairy-based Starbucks drinks, and oodles of champagne, because I have no willpower.

And so, with a new kitchen (complete with a herringbone mirrored tile backsplash), I'm finally feeling inspired to whip up some paleo-approved meals once again. Taking such a long hiatus really sprung a leak in my creativity bucket, so while I'm getting back in the groove of this whole invent-cook-document-repeat thing, I figured I'd kick things off with a tried and true recipe from my blog name twin, PaleOMG.

It's such a simple recipe with ingredients most paleo kitchens will have on hand: coconut flour, almond flour, bananas, a few Enjoy Life chocolate chips. And it packs a big punch right in the face of gluten cravings. So I think you'll like it.

Because every muffin top needs a delicious muffin.

Paleo Banana Nut Muffins (adapted from PaleOMG)

Makes 12 muffins

• 3 bananas, mashed with a fork
• 3 eggs, whisked
• 1/4 cup maple syrup (more or less depending on your preferred sweetness)
• 1 tsp vanilla extract
• 1/2 cup creamy almond butter
• 1/4 cup coconut flour
• 1/4 tsp cinnamon
• 1/4 tsp nutmeg
• 1/2 tsp baking soda
• 1/2 tsp baking powder
• pinch of salt
• 1/4 - 1/2 cup chopped pecans (or whatever nut you like)
• 1/2 cup Enjoy Life chips

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

2. Line a cupcake pan with muffin liners.

3. Mash bananas in a large bowl. Add remaining wet ingredients (eggs, maple syrup, vanilla, almond butter) and mix well.

4. Add dry ingredients (flour, spices, soda, powder, salt) and until combined.

5. Fold in pecans and chocolate chips.

6. Fill muffin liners 3/4 full (an ice cream scoop works well for this).

7. Bake 25 minutes and cool completely before eating (I promise, they come out of the liners better this way!)

One Less (Hair) Problem: Ian McCabe Studio

It's amazing how much can happen in 5 months. Are blogs even "cool" anymore?? I've taken to watching reruns of Full House on Nick at Nite these days, so I don't think I can be trusted to know. Oh, and I turned 30, so...I'm dying. I mean, not really (although I guess, aren't we all dying all the time just a little bit? I've gotten very existential in my old age). I guess what I'm trying to say is, "Hi. How are you?" 

So within those 5 months, I started watching shows that remind me of my childhood at the very time I undeniably became an adult, and my longtime hair colorist opened his own namesake salon. Goals: Some people have them, other people are lazy. 

The Ian McCabe Studio is, without question, the answer to all your hair problems. And in the words of Ariana Grande, that just means one less problem.

 [The Ian McCabe Studio carries pretty much every Oribe product known to humanity...]

Ian is a master colorist, which basically means he can do anything you can dream up. He's made a name for himself for his balayage expertise and color correction, but I' a big fan of his work on redheads.

 [...including these purse sized sprays. I bought the Anti-Humidity one, obvs]

The entire team at Ian McCabe Studio is incredibly talented. I go to Ian for my color, but I also see Isabelle for my cuts. She's a master at taking off everything she needs to without making me feel like I just got scalped. When I just need a blowout, Kevin is incredible! He's so sweet and can work a round brush like it's his job. I guess that's because it is. Neven is also world-class for cuts, and Jess and Allie are highly sought-over colorists--you know, just in case you're in the neighborhood for a new stylist.

The salon carries two of my favorite product lines: Oribe and Davines. I mean, no joke the selection of Oribe is unreal. What's more, they use the line at the shampoo bowl. DYING!

 [These Davines products are amazing for keeping your color rich, even if it's not chemically treated]

And, I'm sorry, but this shampoo station--that's woven wallpaper!! It's badass. And to answer your question, no, they don't know who that woman is, or if it's even a real image, but shit it looks coold, amirite?!

 [The chic stations at Ian McCabe Studio]

This is Matt, the salon manager, and the reason I know Ian at all (isn't he adorable?!)! Matt and I used to work together. When he spotted what he referred to as my "regrowth," which up to that point I had so gauchely referred to as my ROOTS, he mentioned his boyfriend Ian to me and convinced me I had to see him. Three years later and I won't let anyone else touch my hair. Remember...one less problem.

[Menu of services--I get a single process color, face frame highlights, and a gloss,
but I pretty much trust Ian to do whatever he feels like]

Between the amazing talent and the gorgeous space, I really don't know why you wouldn't want to make an appointment here. Unless you're the dickhead Ariana is singing about...OMG are you!?!?

Want my color?? Or at least, something equally amazing? Check out Ian's salon:

Ian McCabe Studio

1101 23rd Street NW

Washington, DC 20037
202.888.6700

Keep Warm, Look Cool Even in a Clusterflake!

What a total clusterflake* out there, amirite?? Here we are, on the eve of Valentine's Day, and yet it feels like the eve of an Ice Age...like the eve of Santa's butthole...like the OPPOSITE of Summer's Eve! If you don't know what I'm talking about, then you obviously live in Sochi, Russia and not in nearly ALL of the continental US. This is perhaps the only time I will congratulate someone living in the former Soviet Union because TERRIBLE. Regardless, you're probably finding it near impossible to keep warm in the real life version of Elsa's spell, which is exactly why I've rounded up a few of my "stay warm but look cute" must-have accessories!

*Let's please get this trending! Make sure you tag me at @CupcakesOhMG.

1. Cozy sweater in a bright color (SheInside, $28)

2. Closed toe wedge lace-ups (Kate Spade, $229)

3. Glittery red polish (Essie, $8.50)

4. Beanie with pom pom (C. Wonder, $30)

5. Neutral printed cashmere scarf (Calypso St. Barth, $275)

6. Chunky, arty ring (Oscar de La Renta, $136)

7. Fitted down coat with hood (Express, $112)

8. Warm, waterproof boots (Ugg, $325)

9. Furry cashmere mittens (Club Monaco, $39)

Easy Sweet Potato Hash Browns

Hey! Yeah, hi. Here I am. Over here...with the easiest, most delicious recipe for sweet potato hash browns...? Ya see me? Yeah. Hey.

I know a lot of people like to make roasted sweet potatoes for breakfast. The fancier of this ilk will even go so far as to make a "hash" of sorts. But I think we can all agree that hash browns are the penultimate use of tubers at breakfast. I don't know why it only recently occurred to me to shred sweet potatoes, but better late than never, right you guys?

AHHH!!! What is tha--oh. Oh god. That's my hand! Anyway, the secret to getting the perfect, crispy hash browns is to get out as much of the moisture as you can, so...that's what I'm doing here.

And then all you have to do is toss them in a pan with a little bacon fat and fry them up until they soften and brown.

The only thing harder than making these sweet potato hash browns is trying to relate to an episode of Girls as a 29-year-old.*

*I realize suggesting there is only one thing harder than making these is in direct opposition to the theme of this post, but it was late and my brain only works when it isn't looking at words, but, like, you get it???!

Sweet Potato Hash Browns

Makes about 4 servings

• 2 large sweet potatoes (whatever that means to you)
• 1 tbsp fat of your choice (I used bacon, but coconut oil, olive oil, or butter would all be fine)
• salt to taste

1. Peel sweet potato and then grate on a box grater. I used the side that looked like it would make normal sized cheese shreds. 

2. Line a plate with a couple sheets of paper towels. Dump the shredded sweet potato on the paper towels. Using another couple sheets of paper towels, press firmly on the sweet potato, trying to absorb as much moisture as possible. (I did this two times)

3. Add fat to a skillet over medium heat. Once melted, add shredded sweet potato in a thin, even layer. Cook until crispy and browned on both sides--about 4 minutes or so depending on your stove.

4. Remove hash browns from pan and set on another paper towel lined plate. While hash browns are still hot, sprinkle generously with salt to taste. Serve hot with additional breakfast foods.

Winter Skin Care: From Scary to Baby (Spice)

If you live near [insert any land mass on planet Earth here], chances are it’s been unusually cold, even for your [cold/warm/mild/unpredictable] climate, so it’s no surprise your face and body skin is dry, scaly, and all around pretty effing creepy right now. Mine had gotten so bad earlier this month that I knew I needed to step up my game, lest I wanted to look like the victim of a chemical peel gone terribly wrong all winter. After trying several skincare regimes, this is the one I’ve been swearing by the past couple of weeks, and I’m delighted to tell you: I look amazing.

1. Fresh Sugar Face Polish, $58
2. GlamGlow Super Mud, $69
3. Bliss Fabulips lip scrub, $18
4. La Mer lip balm, $50
5. CeraVe PM face lotion, $10
6. Caudalie Cru Eye Cream, $99
7. Korres Body Butter Vanilla Guava, $29
8. Elizabeth and James Nirvana Black, $55

I’d been vaguely familiar with the Fresh line of products for a while, but had never tried them until a Sephora sales associate explained that this was the best facial exfoliant because not only did it remove dead skin gently and effectively, it also nourishes and hydrates skin making it feel moisturized and even radiant. None of this is lip service—the product actually works this way! It says you can use it 3-4 times a week…I love it so much, I’ve probably been using it more like 5-6.

Following my face polish, I will sometimes use my Glam Glow (in the white jar) to spot treat. This formula is designed to clean out pores, making it a great overnight spot treatment. So yes, literally, dot this junk on any blemish you have or feel rising up from the depth of your face holes and leave it on overnight (it will NOT rub off on your sheets). When you rinse it off in the morning, your spots will be visibly improved.

I know the idea of exfoliating your lips seems a little excessive, but this is a complete must have for me this winter. I’ve talked about Bliss’ fabulips lip scrub before and it’s even more true this season. Top with a luxurious lip balm to seal in the moisture!

Once my skin is bright and smooth, I top it with a rich, non-greasy facial moisturizer. Since I do this routine at night, I love my CeraVe PM face lotion (though admittedly, I also use it in the AM…YOU CAN’T HOLD ME BACK, LOTION!!). It’s incredibly moisturizing and is formulated to last throughout the night as your skin does most of its restoring.

I’m still on a journey to find the most effective eye cream, which is why the photo above is of a sample, but I needed to make sure this shit worked before shelling out my cold hard cash! Looks like I’m about to be out $100 though, because this Caudalie Cru Eye Cream is rocking my world! I dot on a little under my eye, around the outer corner, and up to my brow bone, morning and night, and while I don’t know exactly what it’s doing, I do notice some of the fine lines creeping up have minimized in the past couple weeks.

Of course, no winter skin care regimen is complete without taking care of the rest of your gross, scaly body. This season, I’m obsessed with Korres Body Butter in Guava Vanilla, a rich, elegant vanilla scent. I love body butters, but find that more often than not, they’re too greasy for my taste. Plus, they often come in a tub, and that’s just a pain in the ass when your hands are covered in grease. This body butter is super rich, but not the slightest bit greasy—it absorbs into the skin immediately; plus, it comes in a tube, making the lotioning process much less frustrating.

I know we’re talking primarily about a nighttime skin care routine, but I just thought you had to know about the new Elizabeth and James fragrance line. I have both Nirvana White and Black, but if you only want to splurge for one, I’d recommend the Black. It’s more sensual and spicy, which makes it perfect for the winter time. Ya know, when you’re not shaving your legs and your lips are dry and crusty. It’s the perfect formula for seduction.

What else are y'all using to keep the scales away this winter season?

Reading is Stupid and Books Are Dumb: And Other Words of Wisdom That Come From My Mouth

I hate reading blog posts that don't have visuals embedded in them to break up the text, because let's face it: I read at a second grade level. That's not to say my literacy stops there, it's just to say, that's where I prefer to keep my reading challenge: right above flipbooks, but just below the reading comprehension required to read the facts on the back of a cereal box. If I've described you, then you're about to be set up for a world of disappointment today. Leave immediately and go directly here. You're welcome.

The last time I read a book, temperatures were in the 90's. I dunno. Maybe that's not all that long ago to some of you, but it seems like a lot of you are constantly obsessing over some new book. Meanwhile, I'm like, "how do people even know when books come out? Is there a YouTube channel of book commercials I can watch?" I'm not bringing this up because I'm particularly proud of it; but I'm not necessarily ashamed of it either. It's simply a fact. It just kind of IS, like 4G or those little paper cups that you pump ketchup into--I don't really give it much thought. 

But just because I'm not a voracious reader, I wouldn't let that stop me from churning out a book of my own! (I'd let the fact that a.) I don't know how to construct a book in the first place and b.) I don't have a book deal anyway stop me.) That said, I think the best part of any book I could possibly pen would have to be its titles. So, until Random House calls me, I'll leave you with merely the makeup of the chapter names of my memoir.

Prologue: Confessions of a Drag Queen in a Woman's Body

Chapter 1. I Think the One Thing We Can All Agree On is That Carpet is Terrible!

Chapter 2. 8 Reasons Why Everyone Should Own Silk Track Pants

Chapter 3. "Don't Let Anyone With Bad Eyebrows Tell You Shit About Life" And Other Truisms

Chapter 4. GOLDDDD!!!

Chapter 5: The Art of the Selfie

Chapter 6: Fat Days, Ugly Face Days, and Other Things that Can Ruin an Otherwise Perfectly Fine Day

Chapter 7: The Most Disgusting Thing You Will Ever See is a Man Applying Chapstick

Chapter 8: Looks Aren't Everything -- They're the Only Thing

Chapter 9: Why Don't Guys Want to Get Manicures?
Chapter 10: Pinterest is Trying to Kill You: A Self-Defense Manual

Chapter 11: How to Master DIPE-ing (the Documented Incident of Public Eating)

I've just checked with Kyle and he tells me that 11 chapters are more than enough for my unpublished book, but I want you to know that there's more where all this came from. But I'll wait to share until my second book comes out.