FWYI: Links You Should Care About

Because I'm trying to ensure repeat business here on my blog, I'm coming up with all kinds of hair-brained schemes to manipulate y'all to coming back here with what are commonly referred to in the blogosphere as "regular installments". 

I kicked the first installment "How I Would Wear It" (HIWWI for short) off a few weeks ago to deafening applause. In yet another stroke of brilliance (and because I just can't get enough of blogs, I tell ya...I finally can empathize with Courtney Love's heroin addiction), I've decided every other Tuesday henceforth shall be "FWYI" days.

"Melissa, shouldn't that be F.Y.I.?" you may be asking yourself. To which I say "Ha. HahahahahahahahHAHAHAHA HA!"

No. No, it shouldn't. Any "Workaholics" fans in the house? If you don't know what I'm referring to, check out the second video in my newly updated "About" section. Should clear things up a scoach.

Anydiddle, here are some links to things I've found entertaining and "FWYI"-worthy:

I'm sorry, what was that? I couldn't hear you over your temporary LIP TATTOO! - Fashion by He

Screw this "Whole 30" diet...I want this butterfinger cupcake and I want it NOW!!! - Gingerbread Bagels

Since we're on the topic of things-I'm-not-allowed-to-eat, I would seriously considering killing a man to have a piece of this Mexican Cheesecake. But like, he'd have to be a mean man that doesn't like cats or small children or something. - Taylor Made

After that cupcake, you may wanna cover up your fat with an adorable one-piece. Good thing Rockstar Diaries is giving one away! - Rockstar Diaries

Is anyone else seriously considering trying the temporary lip tattoo, btw??? No...?? Just me? Typical.

My Big Fat Gypsy Outfit

{Fashion credits: South Moon Under Dress worn as top, Zara skirt, Sam Edelman slingback platforms,
 H&M and Noir rings, Michael Kors watch, F21 bangles, vintage earrings (a gift from my mom)}

Has anyone seen the TLC trainwreck "My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding?" Do yourself a favor and set your DVR NOW. I'll wait. Go ahead.

You back? Okay, good. You really haven't lived until you've seen what I can only describe as a combination of Toddlers & Tiaras, the Royal Wedding, and The Jersey Shore. Unlike the  head scarf, flowy skirt, bangle-wearing gypsies I was expecting, turns out there's the whole underground white trash gypsy culture called Irish Travellers. Distinguishing characteristics of Irish Travellers include a penchant for slutty clothes, a skewed understanding of Catholicism, and sexual assault as a means of flirtation. In other words, a typical night on the town with Snooki. 

Ironically, all the slutty, tacky outfits from the first two episodes had me feeling inspired to bring out my own inner Gypsy. But I decided to make my look more Steve Nicks and less Euro-trash.

Kyle and I had tickets to Savor, a craft brewery event in DC. The tickets explicitly requested us to "Dress to Impress." I obliged. I decided I wanted to wear my new accordion-pleat blue skirt, but was having trouble finding the right top. Then I remembered a printed mini-dress I bought in the spring and decided it would make a great top.

I love it when I'm right.

My favorite ostentatious rings and an armful of bracelets top everything off.

Okay, so I felt a little inspired by the slutty gypsies...

How I Would Wear It: 7 For All Mankind Rachel Bellbottoms

{7 For All Mankind Rachel Bellbottom, petite, $169}

Preface:

I remember watching some story on 20/20 as a kid about how almost every currency bill in circulation is laced with trace amounts of cocaine from all the hands of drug addicts they've encountered. It got me wondering, what ELSE is on my money? In an effort to appease my OCD hand washing complex, I decided the best thing to do with my money was to get rid of it as fast as I got it. And thus, an addiction to shopping was born. 

As much as I love(d) dropping my hard-earned money on a fabulous pair of shoes or a dress so sick it will make you vomit, you might be surprised to know I still struggle with the concept of paying more than $100 for denim. In fact, it was only last year that I bought my first pair of designer jeans: Citizens of Humanity dark wash flare legs for around $170. (I can hear Kyle rolling his eyes in disgust already.) 

I don't wear jeans much anymore--my office only allows them on Friday and I refuse to cover my legs in the summer--so it seemed a bit extravagant. AND IF THERE'S ONE THING I'M NOT, IT'S EXTRAVAGANT!!!!!

But like I said, I did buy a pair last year that I've grown to love. The wash is perfectly dark blue and the flare is just enough without conjuring up images of Jan Brady. To make matters worse, they're actually really comfortable. So I bought them. I bought them hard and I bought them good. What complicated things, though, was the length. 

Are you under 5'8"? Have you ever tried on designer jeans?? Did you find yourself swimming in superfluous yards of fabric, wondering what kind of beanstalk GIANT these things were actually made for??? Did you consider having that surgery where they break your knees and make you 4 inches taller??? If you answered 'yes' to any of these questions, welcome to the club, because that's the very thought process I went through as I tried on pair after pair of designer jeans. 

"You can get them hemmed at a tailor," suggested the TALL salesgirl. 

"Well, I would," I told the salesgirl, "but if I got them hemmed to fit my short, stubby body, then the leg would no longer be a flare, now would it?!"

After that she stopped being helpful; I'll never figure out why. 

ANYWAY, that's a really long-winded way of telling you how excited I was to find that perennial denim favorite, 7 For All Mankind, has started making it's Rachel Zoe-inspired Rachel Bellbottom in a petite. I've been lusting after these for a while with their great dark wash and fitted-through-the-knee giganto flared leg, and now I could actually wear them (with heels OR flats) and feel good about ridding myself of my drug money. 

Let's start with the shoe, since, after all, I've been confined to wearing jeans with heels most of my life, due to my aforementioned height deformity. Clearly the idea is to wear a flat, and though the idea of me in a flat seems almost sacrilege, I love this one by Sam Edelman:

{Sam Edelman Exie Sandals, $120}

They're a little bit Rock 'N Roll, a little bit dangerous weaponry. And since I won't be stepping on the bottom of my jeans, the back of the sandals can finally have their moment of glory.

To bring a punch of color to the look (it is summertime after all), I love this Zara top with the bold orange on the bottom:

{Zara Combination top, $39.90}

As a petite gal, it's important to make sure passers-by know that you do, indeed, have a torso. I'm suffering from a mild obsession with leopard at the moment, and since I think orange and leopard are practically neutrals when paired together, chances are quite good that I'd tuck the front of the top into the jeans. This one is perfect for all of the above reasons:

{7 Hill Belt, $32}

With such a simple neckline, this look is crying out for a fabulous necklace. This one has just the right combination of color, making it perfect for a casual look like this, and just as easy to dress up with a slutty nighttime outfit:

{Tinley Road Necklace, $38}

With a statement necklace, belt, and shoes, you may feel as though I'd be done, but I'm not!!! For a touch of whimsy, I love these crab earrings by Betsey Johnson (and not just because they're my zodiac sign):

{Betsey Johnson Crab Studded Earrings, $30}

Speaking of zodiac signs, I got a birthday coming up. Mightn't these make a nice present, KYLE?!?!?!

I feel pretty good about this look and what it says to the world. 

"SUCK IT, TALL BITCHES," is what it's saying, by the way. 

Are there any other shorties with this designer denim problem? Have you figured out a way to remove the extra length without destroying the shape of the leg?? Do you plan on wearing those crab earrings and telling people "I got crabs!" like I do???

Things That Just Piss Me Right Off

My office building is old as hell. It's also about 13 stories tall. On Tuesday, the air conditioning went out. In the middle of the DC heat wave. I left work before lunch Tuesday and worked from home until today. I don't do "hot". 

Anyway, my building is effing old, like I said. So every morning, I climb 4 flights of stairs just to get to the lobby because there is no elevator from the garage to the lobby (nevermind the fact that I live a mile from work and drive...). So you can imagine how PISSED RIGHT OFF I am at the lazy SOB's who take the elevator to the second and third floors, when I'm huffing and puffing from my trek up the stairs in my 4 1/2 inch platforms trying to get up to the 9th (a far less stair-friendly height).

Same thing happens in my apartment building. Same number of floors, same number of SOB's. Only there, I live on the 10th floor. I've gotten to the point that I won't even get on an elevator with more than 1 person. Of course, no matter how many people have joined you in the hell-evator, you run the risk of it stopping on a floor to pick someone up and drop them on another floor (this also happens at work--people get on at floor 5 and get off at floor 6), but you just can't predict these things, so you do the best with what you know at the time.

So between the elevator imprisonment, the heat wave, and just people that piss me off in general, I decided I'd dedicate a post to the very things PLAGUING the human race to see if anyone else could commiserate with me.

Keep in mind, this list is far from complete. Amazingly, people manage to evolve constantly and come up with new ways to piss me off almost daily, hourly in some cases. This is merely a representation of piss-off-able things top of my mind today.

{Does this look like the face of someone you wanna piss off??}

1. People that take the elevator a mere one or two floors in a busy building 
See above

2. Bad drivers
Including, but not limited to, people who drive under the speed limit, people who drive cars with blinding fluorescent headlights, people who text/apply make up/brush their teeth/etc. while driving, people who don't let you merge when you LITERALLY have nowhere to go, and every driver in DC, except me.

3. Interrupting
I can't even put into words how much people that speak out of turn anger me. And even if I could, I would wait until you finished speaking to do so. Just imagine something where my head explodes...then multiply that by a million...then stick it in the fiery depths of hell. Then you have some inkling of an idea.

4. People that can't hold a conversation
My friend John once said "If you've been alive for more than 12 years, you should have at least one interesting thing to talk about with other human people."

5. Un-air conditioned places 
D.C. was built on a swamp. Translation: it's hot and humid here in the summer/various times of the year. Further translation: when it's over 80 degrees outside, it's time to pump the a/c. Done. The End. Period.

6. Slow check-out lines
If you don't actually have 15 items or less, get the hell out of the line.

7. Brick sidewalks 
Clearly the person who invented these wasn't trying to get around the world in a pair of 4.5 inch heels.

8. Passive aggressive email/internet communication
If you wanna say something bitchy to me, you should have the balls to say it to my face, lest you want the wrath of a written-word beat down only the likes of someone as dangerous with a pen/keyboard as I could incite. Otherwise, you're a coward, I'll lose respect for you, and post those bitchy emails you send on my blog. Smiley face!

Tell me what you'd add to the list in the comments section. Lord knows the only way to feel better about your problems is to bitch to as many people as possible about them! 

Memorial Day Memories

As a child, I never really appreciated Memorial Day. In Texas, the school year ended in early May, so Memorial Day wasn't technically a holiday for me and with the sweltering, humid heat flaring up by mid-April, it certainly wasn't the first taste of summer either. However, as an adult, I've come to appreciate the true meaning of Memorial Day: a day off and booze!!*

I started off the weekend with a quick trip to Bed, Bath, and Beyond (I had time, it turns out) to finish the project of finding new bedding. I've been going for this whole vintage, art deco kind of thing. I'm partly there, mostly because of this new sparkly pillow:

Then I picked up some pink roses for myself. Why? The BETTER question is why NOT?!?!

I've been wearing the HELL outta my new Jeffrey Campbell Mary Roks wedges, and I'm sure it's apparent why (hint: it's because they're awesome):

And to round out the weekend, I spent the last evening of the holiday with my friend Meghan. We made a deliciously boozey concoction of Prosecco and Peach Lemonade:

{It's organic, nbd}

{My upper lip completely disappears when I pour cocktails. It's a thing.}

The recipe for this refreshing summertime bev is as follows:

1. Buy something bubbly and alcoholic. The cheaper the better, as money does not grow on trees.
2. While you're at it, buy something fruity to complement the bubbly. I found Peach Lemonade for a buck at Whole Foods. The only other thing you can buy for a buck at Whole Foods is nothing. NOTHING.
3. Mix.
4. Drink liberally.
5. Or, if you're Kyle, drink beer:

It was a very merry Memorial Day weekend, indeed. How was everyone else's holiday? What fun cocktails did you come up with?

*JK, I totally know the true meaning of Memorial Day is to say thank you to all the vets who have served our country and allowed me the right to say things like "amazeballs" and the F-word as much as I want, wherever I want.

How I Would Wear It: Prada Eyebrow Glasses

To quote Marilyn Monroe, "Men don't make passes at girls who wear glasses." However, when all you're trying to do is Man Repel, who gives a rat's ass what the opposite sex thinks?! That said, there's no one I want to befriend who CAN'T see the sense of humor and whimsy in these here spectacles. 

According to Darwinian theory, it's a wonder I've managed to survive this long, as I fall victim to several genetic weaknesses: allergies, an inability to tan, and poor vision. I don't even want to get into the ashtma!!! I can, however, fool everyone around me into thinking I'm healthier and fitter than I am by decorating myself with accessories that say, "I'm better than you, can't you tell?" THAT'S THE TICKET!!

Which brings me back to these Prada eyebrow glasses...I first spotted them over at The Beckerman Bite Plate, where they were lucky enough to find the sunglass version:

{Image via Beckerman Bite Plate. And also, awesomeness.} 

I love the John Waters-meets-Bettie Page look Samantha has curated here, but because Memorial Day is coming up and I'm DYING to lounge by the pool with a cute hairstyle and a pitcher of margs, I'm styling these shades for the likes of a pool/beach day.

In keeping with the vintage feel, I'm really drawn to high-waisted bikinis this year. 

I know, I know...I'm already repelling with the glasses, do I really wanna repel with the bikini too?? Well, frankly me dears, I don't give a fuck. 

I've always admired the retro glamour of the aforementioned Bettie Page, Marilyn Monroe, and Betty Grable. So yeah, even though women are using the ol' "high waisted bikinis are a great way to hide a tummy" schtick, there's still a lot of sex appeal to this style. Case in point:

{Diane Von Furstenburg Bikini}

Not so bad, eh?? There's both an exposed belly button and boob cleavage. Everybody wins!! Personally, I'm not one for throwing on a pair of elastic-waist shorts and a tee and calling it a cover-up. Besides, there simply aren't enough excuses to wear sheer, harem pant jumpsuits:

{ASOS jumpsuit} 

I like this because, like a tuxedo shirt, it says "I'm formal, but I'm here to party". Paired with a colorful flat sandal and matching hair turban (YES! I said hair turban...and?!?!), and your beach day of whimsy is complete. 

{Steve Madden sandal}

{ASOS turban. TURBANS FOR EVERYONE!!!!}

Who's the fittest now, Darwin?? YEAH! Suck it!!! 

Disclaimer: Like a fine ice cream sundae, no look is really complete until you've topped it with something extra sweet. I would likely wear a big earring or at MINIMUM a cocktail ring before stepping foot out my door, but ya know, it's your prerogative not to. Just take a page from Whitney Houston's book and do what feels right.

Papa's Got a Brand New Bag

Okay, well, "Papa" doesn't have one...I do. And it's not as much as I "have" a new bag, as much as it's I "need" a new bag. (Need and want are totally relative terms, btw. When I speak in relation to bags, they're interchangeable. I'm glad we've cleared this up.)

I've seen/read a lot about Foley + Corinna bags over the past year and finally made my way over to the site. Well, now I'm in love with this bag:

{Foley + Corinna Disco City Bag}

I've been un-seriously (yep, just made that up!) looking for another bag for a while. I currently carry a bronze Coach satchel, which I love, but, even though I love me a good satchel, sometimes I just wanna sling something over my shoulder. This bag will give me the flexibility to both hoist it delicately over my forearm and carry it like a lady AND sling it over my shoulder when I'm too lazy to be delicate and lady-like.

{It does this too...pret-tay nice, eh??}

So, here's the reason I'm sharing this INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT PERSONAL BUSINESS of mine...which color should I get??? I love the camel, but I always get a bag in neutral with the practicality argument that it will go with everything. But, I also kinda love the purple and it would be something different for me. After all, purple is the color of royalty, and that's what I practically am: royalty! (That's what it means when someone calls you a "royal pain in the ass," right?) Eat your heart out, Kate.

Now imagine if you had been blessed by the Gods and were me--which would you pick?? Please leave your thoughts in the comments section, as this is of the UTMOST importance, mmkay!!!???

Girls Run the World, Beyonce Gives Lady Boners

I work in the male-dominated field of sales, which means day in, day out I'm surrounded by ego-maniacal, sports-obsessed, arrogant SOB's. Generally, I wouldn't complain, except sadly, none of them are gay.

{hahahahahaha, nothing like drag humor}

I work with men (more like boys) and sell to men (who can be a-holes) and date men (well, just the one); sometimes I feel like some kind of prostitute wench. Ya know, 'cus I'm surrounded by penii (plural for penis). And although I  feel like one of me is plenty to stand up to a couple dudes, it just gets exhausting. Let's face it, we're from Venus and men are from somewhere-they-refuse-to-stop-and-get-directions-for-ville. Sure, I have girlfriends, but thanks to the endless sausage-fest I call work, it can feel like years between gf visits. So when I get a reminder of just how powerful we lady-people are, it awakens my spirit. It re-energizes my being. It makes me feel whole. 

Put simply, it gives me a lady boner.

That's exactly how I'd describe Beyonce's new single. It's the complete antithesis of how I feel at work. It's a reminder that women will ALWAYS have more power than guys because no matter what technological advancements some nerd at Apple comes up with, no matter what sales jack off writes a methodology book, and no matter what some douche says about your man repelling outfit, NONE of them would be possible without our lady vaginas.

And here, Beyonce looking FIERCE while also getting.shit.done.

And another version because she is so BAD.ACE.

Paleo Chocolate Chip Cookies = Freedom

So, how 'bout that Rapture, huh? I guess Heaven is harder to get into than we all realized since we're ALL STILL HERE. It's cool; I'm glad judgement day has been put off a bit longer, otherwise I wouldn't have been able to make these amazing Paleo Chocolate Chip Cookies.

{Cookies and a nice cold glass of Coconut Milk}

I've seen all kinds of Paleo-friendly recipes online, but aside from actual meals, I haven't done much experimenting with Paleo versions of non-paleo foods, partly because I feel like they're not REALLY paleo (honey and agave nectar may be natural, but they're still versions of sugar) and partly because I'm lazy. More the latter than anything else. But ya know what?? Sometimes, a girl gets a sugar craving dammit!!! And also, like the honey badger, I do what I want!!

Regardless, I've found myself with a Charlie Sheen-esque addiction to a new blog, The Paleo Project. Blogger Jenna is an avid Crossfitter and Paleo practitioner  Among many delicious paleo recipes, including Cinnamon Toasted Roast Chicken and Bacon Wrapped Scallops, she has a variety of sweet treats that are all wheat, dairy, and refined sugar-free. (And also, she's a pretty funny writer. Snaps!) 

I saw her recipe for chocolate chip cookies and decided they'd be the perfect place to start. It's quite likely you won't have coconut flour, almond butter, and coconut milk on hand, but it's worth a trip to the grocery store to give these puppies a try. They're also INCREDIBLY easy to make. Forget the whole creaming process (which basically goes against everything I believe in baking...but it's just not necessary with these ingredients); you can dump everything in one bowl and be done!

{The batter is seriously nom-able}

{Gluten-free, Dairy-free, Refined sugar-free. Amazingly, NOT taste-free}

{Unlike regular cookies, these don't spread when they bake, so give them a press with the back of a spoon before popping them in the oven}

So, how do they taste Melissa??? Okay, I'm not gonna lie to you like I normally do. These don't taste exactly like cookies made with flour and brown sugar. BUT. They are very good. They have a soft, chewy texture, which I like in a cookie, and they more than satiate my sugar craving. Plus, since they're made with coconut flour, dates, and almond butter (i.e., not low-cal), they're very filling, so one is plenty. 

P.S. I generally don't believe in using vegan versions of things because of the soy content (the recipe calls for vegan chocolate chips), but after comparing the ingredient list to non-vegan chocolate chips, Kyle and I realized the only difference was the type of sweetener used. The vegan chips used cane sugar juice as opposed to the refined sugar in the other brands. So vegan chip away, my friends!

P.P.S. You could totally omit the chocolate chips altogether and substitute dried fruit or nuts if you wanted to keep things really Paleo. The coconut flour gives these cookies a kind of oatmeal texture, so raisins, walnuts, or anything else you can imagine would be very tasty as well.

Re-posted from The Paleo Project

Ingredients:

• 2/3 cup gluten free coconut flour
• 1/2 cup almond butter in natural oils
• 1 cup unsweetened coconut milk (beverage)
• 1 egg
• 1 cup vegan chocolate chips, or enjoy life chocolate chips
• 1/2 tsp gluten free baking soda
• 1/2 tsp vanilla
• 1/2 tbs cinnamon
• 1/2 tbs honey
• 5 medjool dates, pitted

Directions:

1. Preheat to 350 degrees F.
2. In food processor, combine flour, almond butter, coconut milk, egg, baking soda, cinnamon, honey, vanilla and dates.
3. Process until a semi-thick, semi-cream batter forms.
4. Add more flour, if desired, but the batter is not meant to be as thick as regular cookie dough.
5. Remove blades and stir in chocolate chips.
6. With a spoon, scoop cookie dough onto a baking sheet. I made 12.
7. Bake for 18-20 minutes, or until golden brown. (I only baked them for 15)

How I Would Wear It: Tulle Tail Dress

{UNIF dress, $88}

Welcome to a new regular segment I'll be doing called "How I Would Wear It." But then, you probably already knew that if you read the title. I spotted this dress on one of my favorite sites Nasty Gal and pretty much shat myself; it's THAT special.

Here's what I love about this dress, in order of importance:
- The illusion long sleeves
- The color
- The asymmetrical hemline
- The fact that it reminds me of a modern-day Glinda, the Good Witch (sans crown and wand)

Don't let anyone ever tell you redheads can't wear pink. Ever.

Anyway, I am officially in lurve with this dress, and although my boobs, stomach, and personality aren't as flat as the model, um, modelling it, I'm pretty sure the dress won't care, for it loves me back. And so, upon it, I must bestow great tidings of joy (i.e., accessories). My inspiration is of course the lovely Glinda, but imagined as if she were a 26-year-old blogger with fewer magical powers and more nail polish.

Like Glinda, let's start with the shoes. I likey the Jeffrey Campbell Lita's they've styled in the picture, but I lovey these Zara buckle wedges even more for a gentler, softer look:

{Zara Buttoned Wedge, $99}

With such a delicate shoe, we're now liberated from the over-accessorized-danger-zone (if you could even believe in such a zone). Because the sleeves are so sheer, and I'm going for a daytime look here, I'd swap an armful of bracelets for a few chunky cocktail rings with colorful stones and quirky details, all on the same hand. I figure these would all be equally excessive and dangerous:

1. Noir Triple Threat Ring, $92

2. Kenneth Jay Lane Purple Dome Ring, $87.35

3. House of Harlow Stack Coin Rings, $98

4. Roberto Cavalli Large Stone Ring, $390

Because I'm taking such a heavy hand (pun INTENDED!) on the rings, I'd go delicate with the necklace, but offset the rounded crew neck of the dress with a longer, lanyard-style pendant. This House of Harlow one is the perfect length and echoes the natural vibe of the stones those rings are giving us:

I never leave my apartment without a carryall of sort, so I think this Stella McCartney citrus clutch adds the perfect amount of sass to an otherwise very sweet look:

{Stella McCartney Cotton Clutch; you betta have some cashmoney, son}

So what have we learned from today's styling session, class? Well, first of all, no matter how demure an outfit might be, you should always start by whorin' it up and ripping out the front. 

Second, don't be afraid to wear multiple cocktail rings on one hand; they can be used as weapons of self-defense if someone every dare swipe your little dog! Er, Stella McCartney citrus clutch. 

Finally, and this is most important, if ever you need style inspiration, look no farther than your own front door, for you've always had the power. You've had it all along!