Ragu Bolognese with Doodles and Drag Queens

Tell me the last time you ate a radish. Do you need a minute to remember. Go ahead...take your time.

Do you remember now? Meh, that's okay; it's not like the radish is a particularly memorable vegetable anyway. What do you even eat radishes with/on? Kind of shitty salads sometimes? Maybe in a crudite platter, if you really think hard about it?

Look, if we've learned nothing else from 6 seasons of RuPaul's Drag Race, it's go big or go home, #amiriteladies. I mean, let's be honest: the radish is basically the India Ferrah of the vegetable world, only getting a moment in the spotlight when mildly assaulted by Mimi Imfurst.

In case you don't speak Drag-anese, what I'm saying is this dish that looks like spaghetti with meat sauce is actually Daikon radish noodles - doodles, if you're nasty! - topped with a nearly tomato-less ragu, and it will no doubt stay in your memory for a good, long time, similarly, but not nearly as traumatizing as, India Ferrah's breast plate.

Just like the tuck each queen must hide away before sashaying down the runway, this sauce is meaty! It's a rich combination or pork, beef, and pancetta. It's a slow cook, not unlike most great Italian dishes, so you may want to put on an Untucked marathon and settle in. But when it's done, you will think you've died and gone to Paleo heaven, where all the angels are ethereal Ladyboys and the cherubs are members of the Pit Crew.

For those of you who gave up giving a damn about your diet for Lent, this sauce is equally delicious served atop really good pappardelle noodles, too. NOT THAT I WOULD KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT!!! I haven't looked at a carbohydrate in about as long as it's been since Lance Bass saw a woman's vagina.

If the word vagina hasn't turned you off yet, then I like you. Let's be friends. And please, make this. You will love it.

Ragu Bolognese with Doodles

(Recipe from Kyle's mom)

Serves 8

• 3 Tbsp olive oil
• 2 medium carrots, peeled and finely diced
• 2 medium onions, finely diced
• 2 stalks celery, finely diced
• 1/2 lb pancetta, diced
• 1 lb ground beef
• 1 lb ground pork
• 1 Tbsp tomato paste
• 8 cups low sodium beef broth
• 2 1/2 cups whole milk (you can substitute for almond milk, but not coconut milk. you should probably just use whole milk though)
• 5 Tbsp butter

1. Heat oil in a large pot over medium heat. Add carrots, onions, and celery and saute until veggies are lightly browned. About 5-6 minutes.

2. Add pancetta and cook a couple more minutes until fat renders.

3. Add beef and cook until browned. Add pork and cook until browned.

4. Whisk the tomato paste into 1 cup of broth. Add this to the meat and simmer over low heat until all the liquid evaporated.

5. Add another cup of broth and simmer until it cooks off. Repeat adding 1 cup of broth at a time until all the broth has been absorbed, ~3-4 hours.

6. Add milk and butter and continue to simmer until milk is absorbed and sauce is thick, ~another hour.
7. Serve over noodles, zoodles, doodles or just eat out of bowl.

The Most Delicious Meal I've Ever Made: Paleo Pad Thai

Here's the thing: these pictures are the worst. I took this at 8 PM last night in my kitchen with absolutely no natural sunlight, not that I'd know what it even looks like anymore seeing as we had a BLIZZARD YESTERDAY!!! But I digress. These pictures are the worst.

They're the worst because this meal is the best, and the truth is no image could capture how delightfully delicious my paleo take on pad thai is. 

Here's the other thing: forget what you know about spaghetti squash. Any time you need a grain-free "noodle," just use a vegetable peeler on some squash and carrots, boil them in some water just as you would real pasta, and then voila! The BEST pasta replacement I've tried yet.

Covered in delicious almond sauce and you will never order take out pad thai again--even if you could give two shits about paleo. 

It's seriously that good.

So good, that I don't even care how inadequate the pictures are...I needed you to have the recipe ASAP. I'm a giver.

Paleo Pad Thai
Makes 4 large servings

Almond Sauce

• 3 cloves garlic, peeled and minced
• 1 large knob ginger, peeled and minced
• 1 Tbsp. coconut oil
• 1/2 cup creamy almond butter
• 1 Tbsp. fish sauce
• 1 Tbsp. coconut aminos
• 1 tsp. apple cider vinegar
• 1 tsp. toasted sesame oil
• 1 tsp. honey (optional)
• juice from 1 lime
• 1/3 cup canned coconut milk
• salt and pepper

 Pad Thai

• 3 large zucchini squash
• 3 large yellow squash
• 3 large carrots
• 1.5 lb. steamed chicken breast
• green onion, diced (for topping)
• handful of almonds, roughly chopped (for topping)
• fresh lime wedges

1. In a medium saucepan, heat coconut oil over medium heat. Add garlic and ginger and saute for a a minute or two until the oil is fragrant and the garlic and ginger are softened.

2. Add almond butter, fish sauce, coconut aminos, vinegar, oil, honey, lime juice, and coconut milk and whisk until incorporated and smooth. Season with salt and pepper to taste. (If the sauce is too thick, add more coconut milk; if it's too thin, add more almond butter. You can also play with the seasonings like fish sauce and coconut aminos until the flavor is the way you like it!)

3. Bring a large pot of water to a boil--salt the water.

4. Using a vegetable peeler, peel the vegetables into wide "noodles". Add them to the boiling water and cook for about 2-3 minutes, or until the "noodles" are tender. 

5. Drain noodles and toss them with almond sauce that you've made. (Use as little or as much as you prefer.)

6. Top with sliced chicken breast, green onion, almonds, and fresh lime wedges and serve.

Paleo "Ravioli"

I'm about as much of a role model as, say, Karen Walker, but I do hold myself somewhat accountable as a role model to the Paleo community, insofar as I want to share what I hope are recipes you've never seen before. What I hope is that this "ravioli" is one of those recipes. 

I'll admit--I saw something similar on what Kyle calls my "lady porn" site, but it was entirely raw and had some kind of vegetable filling, so it was only somewhat appealing. But I saw its potential, and with a few flourishes, namely adding ground chicken and steaming the finished product, it's the perfect pasta substitute!

I had a hard time describing the instructions below for assembling, so look! I made it easy and just threw some how-to pictures up. And I mean, reading is for ugly people, anyway.

I made a filling with chicken, spinach, and mascarpone, but you can do anything. I'll probably do a ground beef and tomato filling next time.

I secured the raviolis with a toothpick until I served them, but for the most part, they'll hold their shape pretty well, as long as your squash is sliced thin enough.

Served with Caulif-redo sauce and you have an unrecognizably paleo meal, alongside an unrecognizable role model. That'd be me, just in case you have a hard time with context clues.

Chicken and Spinach Paleo Ravioli
Makes about 24 raviolis

• 4-5 medium to large yellow squash
• 1 Tbsp. olive oil
• 1.5 lbs. ground chicken
• 1 8 oz. bag frozen spinach, thawed
• 8 oz. mascarpone cheese
• 1/2 yellow onion, diced
• 1 clove garlic, minced
• small handful fresh basil leaves
• salt and pepper to taste
• Caulif-redo Sauce

1. Cut ends of squash off and slice down the middle so you have two halves. Using the narrowest setting on your mandolin, slice the squash into long, flat strips. You'll end with around 70 or so strips.

2. In a large pan, heat oil over medium heat. Add onion and a pinch of salt and saute for about 5 minutes, until nearly translucent. Add garlic and saute until fragrant.

3. Add ground chicken to onion and garlic and saute until chicken is cooked all the way through.

4. Squeeze all the excess water out of the spinach, then ad chicken, spinach, salt, pepper, and mascarpone to a food processor or blender and puree until mixture reaches desired consistency (I like it relatively smooth).

5. Assemble the ravioli by just barely overlapping two strips of squash (pictured above). Do the same over the middle of the first two strips, but perpendicular, creating a cross or "t" shape. 

6. Spoon filling in the center of the cross, then bring the ends of the strips together, overlapping each other. If that doesn't make sense, just see the picture above.

7. Secure with a toothpick.

8. Before serving, steam raviolis for about 4 minutes, or until squash is tender and inside is warm.

9. Top with Caulif-redo or sauce of your choice.

Zucchini Pasta "Alfredo"

I know this blog has been swimming, drowning even, in paleo recipes as of late, but grab yourself some floaties, because I have only begun to open the floodgates. That might be an overstatement, but you see what I'm getting at, right?

I'm constantly finding new recipes that keep me excited about my diet (I mean that in the "lifestyle" sense, not the "grapefruit juice and cayenne pepper cleanse" sense) and avoid diabetes-inducing temptations.

As I've said before, I still crave non-paleo things. Pasta is one of my biggest weaknesses. And this, coming from a girl with absolutely no weaknesses. I AM THE BEST AT EVERYTHING EVER!!! So when I dreamed up this recipe (yes, I do dream up new recipes in my sleep), I was pretty sure it would calm my fettuccine Alfredo cravings...even it was entirely green.

I know what you're thinking: "How the h-e-double-hockey-sticks could zucchini satisfy your fettuccine Alfredo cravings?!"

Right?? I thought the same thing, but interestingly, when you julienne it into "noodles" and cover it in sauce, you forget you're eating a vegetable and are damn well convinced you're eating pasta!

The "Alfredo sauce" is a simple concoction of (1) avocado, (1/4 cup) coconut milk, (1/2) shallot, (1 clove) garlic, salt, and pepper (to taste):

It works well as a pasta sauce, dip, and facial mask.

You can mix in anything you like with your zucchini noodles, but I went for broccoli (that I boiled along with the zucchini), chicken, and mushrooms (sauteed in coconut oil). I then tossed everything in the sauce, ate it, and gave myself a congratulatory pat on the back. And then I practiced model poses in the mirror for an hour. A girl's gotta have hobbies!

I'm not including a recipe because I basically told you how to make it above. Bottom line is, you'll need a way to julienne the zucchini. A floor length mirror to practice your model poses in is also recommended.