Wednesday, October 10, 2012

How Crazy Would It Be To Do a Juice Cleanse?



Remember a long time ago when Oprah lost a bunch of weight and then rolled out the pounds of fat she lost in a Radio Flyer wagon on her show and told the world the miracle of how she lost the weight by starving herself sticking to a liquid diet? Despite the fact that she gained all of it back basically the next day (since CLEARLY you can’t lose 67 pounds in a matter of weeks unless you’re on the Biggest Loser eating disordered), juice fasts have been popular ever since. I blame Gwyneth Paltrow. Bitch.

But just like running a marathon or watching a football game, doing a juice “cleanse” has never really appealed to me. I looked at it as a way to lose (water) weight fast to fit into an age-inappropriate dress for a high school reunion or something, which, I mean, let’s face it, wouldn't apply to me anyway since my body type is still that of a perky, hipless 16-year-old. SHUT UP, YES IT IS!!!!!!!!!!!

And then, during my Whole Foods ritual of defensive cart-pushing (you have to be on the lookout for distracted shoppers!), I spied a bottle of something delicious looking: Cashew milk with agave and vanilla bean. The label said “Blueprint” and had a pretty blue lid. I nearly put the bottle in my cart before rushing to beat the lady with the cart overflowing with frozen Amy’s meals and “Organic” potato chips before I realized the drink came with an $11 price tag! If I’m paying over $10 for a beverage, it better make me drunk or beautiful, or both, and as far as I could tell, it definitely wasn't going to make me drunk.

Despite the fact that I considered $11 superfluous for one beverage, I couldn't stop thinking about it. Curious, I took to the ol’ internet to see if anyone else had seen these pricey little drinks. And that’s when it all changed.

Blueprint is actually a NYC-based cold-pressed juice cleanse company. Like, all they do is make juices that are supposed to clean your system out (read: pee and poop) and give your digestive system a rest to re-energize the rest of your body, and even help you lose weight. An $11 juice that makes me beautiful?? Tell me more! They offer a few different cleanse systems that can be delivered right to your door for however long you want. So, if you want to do a mini-cleanse, pick the three day option. If you wanna do the Gwynnie “I’m Better Than You” cleanse, pick the 6 day option. And so on. They also started selling their juices through Whole Foods to make more money them more accessible to the masses, which is nice so you don’t have to pay the $40 overnight shipping.
{The Green Juice is the first juice of the day and is a nutrient-packed concoction
of romaine lettuce, celery, cucumber, apple, spinach, kale, parsley, and lemon. Sounds...terrible.}

In case you aren't catching on, this shit’s expensive! We’re talking nearly $200 for a three-day cleanse. Did you know you could just starve yourself for free??? But despite my better judgment, I’m intrigued. The juices actually sound good (pineapple, apple, mint? Um, delicious!) and I’m really curious about this whole giving your digestive system a rest thing. Would I actually feel more energized if my pipes were empty? Could I really reallocate that energy to something like working out or judging people?? 

For those of you about to say something asinine like “okay, but just make your own juices!” BLASPHEMY!!! No, but seriously, there’s like 6 cups of kale in just ONE of the 6 daily juices…and that’s only one of the ingredients. So, the grocery items needed to make each juice would clearly be no more cost effective than buying the pre-made cleanse. Right??

So, I’m curious Cupcult—should I do this cleanse? The few people I've spoken with that have done it already have nothing but great things to say (so far I've learned that they didn't feel hungry because they drank so much and that it doesn't make your pee turn weird colors), but I’m curious if any of you have ever done this or another cleanse. How did it go? What should I know before doing a cleanse? Did yours make your pee turn weird colors??? I’m very concerned about this. I need answers!!

22 comments:

Gayla said...

Ummm...I'm going to take a motherly stab in the comment section today and plead with you not to do this! Cleanses are a fad and have been scientifically debunked over and over again. Repeatedly. Over and over. Repeatedly! You already eat a very healthy diet, this isn't going to change anything. I urge you to just try your best for three days to wear out that Vitamix that Kyle gave you.
Okay, I'm putting away my soapbox now and heading to the airport for our trip to NOLA. Thank you again for my totally awesome birthday gift!
As always, Love Momma

Jenna | The Paleo Project said...

I'm with your mama. 3 days? 200 dollars. Only to refill those "pipes" with all that you already eat on a daily basis- which is relatively clean/primal/organic etc. I mean... maybe just try to drink twice as much water as usual and drink some lemon and hot water with cayenne pepper at night.

But if you do it, I'd still be interested to hear how you feel!

libby said...

i did my own DIY cleanse modeled after the BPC - for 3 days it ended up costing about half of what you'd pay BPC, maybe less. most expensive thing was the raw cashews, but it is soo GOOD! so was the pineapple-apple-mint, i actually really like the green juice. i did eat a small dinner consisting of veggies and either quinoa or black beans. no dairy, no meat.

if you're going to do a juice cleanse, i say do it yourself! that way you can adapt the cleanse to your specific tastes. oh, and my pee did not turn any weird colors!

style-extraordinaire.com

Lisa said...

I've been thinking about doing a cleanse also. They really intrigue me, but I didn't know about this brand at WF, I was looking into Puree Artisan Juice bar's cleanse. Which I believe is ~$160/three day cleanse.

You could set up another Whole30-like support group if you have other readers who want to do it with you.

Ashley said...

I've done BPC before and I completely loved it! It really helped me get back on my healthy eating since I was overindulging especially on holidays.

It's totally worth it and when you order on their website you get so much support from them for prepping for the cleanse and breaking the cleanse plus their cooler bag that comes with it super cute!

I hope you do cleanse and I get to read about your experience!!

Mrs. Williams {Persnickety Plates} said...

Thought I'm not sure it's healthy or effective, I want you to do it purely for my entertainment b/c I know the posts you'll write about it will be great.

Cara said...

I had a friend who did it (she bought them from this little store that ONLY sold these juices). I think in theory it is a good idea, but after 3 days of drinking only juice, you will probably want to kill someone. I did a 2 day juice cleanse before a Vegas trip once, and although it wasn't a healthy one like this, it WAS a "lose 10 lbs of water so you fit into that sleazy ass dress" cleanse. It worked. I thought I was going to die. I swear to you I felt my stomach eating itself.

Taylor Made said...

As always I have an opinion... It's dumb! And yes like Oprah u would gain it all back, but there is something to be said for the juice. I make the dr oz green drink all the time for breakfast, and 6c of kale really isn't that expensive! You feel refreshed and healthier after just a few sips haha, I add parsley and spinach to all of our smoothies too and even ginger, they boys even love it. I think u should just make juices and have them as snacks or breakfast but with other food that day too haha

when we wander said...

First, you're hilarious and I love the way you write. Second, your mom's comment is too cute. Third, compliments aside, if it's healthy, go for it, but you totally could do it yourself probably for way less money. I did a radio tour for an author with a program like this and I was sold by the end of the day (listening to 23 interviews will do that I guess)! The juices actually sound like they might taste good too (if that's possible??) Either way, you should do it and then write about it because I'm sure it'll be amusing at least!

Samara said...

I'm with with Gayla and Jenna. This cleanse just seems... unnecessary. Not to mention way too expensive. And I'm not even convinced that it's actually good for you.

On the other hand, a small part of me is definitely with Mrs. Williams. The posts you would write about this cleanse would surely entertain me for days.

rojobag said...

I'ma be asinine. I juice regularly. I wouldn't waste my money on some pre packaged product. I picked up a hamilton-beach big mouth juicer for 53 bones, and can make whatever I want in my own home. I watched the documentary "Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead" (available on netflix insta thing) and although I didn't go full granola with only juice for 10 days, I do juice once or twice a day. It's made a huge difference in my mood, energy, skin and weight. Also, I spend about $20 for enough organic veggies to juice me for a week. In addition, juicing beets will turn your bowel movements into watching tv in color and that's fun for everyone.

Anonymous said...

DON'T do it!!! Husband and I did the Dr. Oz detox a couple months ago and we both paid the price for weeks on end. We followed it to the letter and both had horrible stomach pains and various digestive issues for weeks afterwards. We both eat very clean diets--nothing processed, minimal treats, organic, veggies with every single meal- we approached the detox as an opportunity to re-set. Bad, bad bad idea.

Jen said...

NO! You CAN make your own juices at home for much less cheaper - you don't need 6 cups of kale in a juice? That's stupid. One or two cups is fine with the other crap (vegetables) that's also in there. Or you can buy cheaper greens like spinach or something. Juices I don't understand anyways...it's still just sugar really your putting in your body. But, yeah, if you want to give it a go - go for it...Lord knows I want to look like Gywnnie...LOVE YOUR BLOG! Just found it.

Jamie said...

Aw, your mom seems awesome! I've never done that stuff but my sister-in-law advocates colonics once in a while to literally clear your shit out.

I learned to love good tea and although it's not for cleansing, there are great loose leaf teas to help with detoxing (white), digestion (oolong), and curbing your appetite (mate). It's really great and when made properly actually tastes good-- I PROMISE. (I was a "Tea Barista")

Finally and completely unrelated-- I was in Santa Monica on the Promenade the other day and saw Jenna Marbles & Max too!!! But I didn't say anything; I didn't want to freak them out so I whispered, stared, and pointed instead.

ELLEN SCHNEIDER said...

I've done the cleanse, but wouldn't do it again. While I did feel a strong sense of self-control, I was also sick and tired. You won't feel like working out and it's expensive!

I make my own juices... They're super easy! Substitute one for a meal, or have the Cashew Milk for dessert (that one is delish)! I tend to drink the Lemonade with Cayenne a lot, as well. Usually with a salad at lunch.

~E

Jacqueline said...

It's weird. I think it's stupid yet I am as intrigued as you are...

But I guess I am myking my own juices...


xoxo, Jacqueline

Mannequin de Vitrine

Rachel said...

A few of my friends have done this cleanse and have lost weight. But they also told me they spent most of the three days on the toilet. But if you are going to do it, DONT buy it full price.

The 3 and 5 day are almost always on Groupon. They've been on this summer at least 4 times. I would bet that they will run it again in January (and maybe right after Thanksgiving) as a way to cleanse away holiday food.

Annalilly said...

I never realized how fun the comments are on your blog. It's like reading the corporette comments for content mixed with glitter and vodka.

I'd rather spend the $150 you'll save by making your own juices on shoes. Organic baby kale is not that expensive.

clb said...

fancy packaging doesn't change the fact that juice = carbs = sugar.... something we all know by now we should stay away from.

kat said...

from a more scientific point of view, the reason that people lose weight on juice cleanses is that they kill the cells lining your small intestine, thus preventing you from absorbing any nutrients from the juice (or whatever else) you put in your body. this is kind of similar to what happens to celiacs who eat wheat. when you are malnourished you lose weight, but that is obviously not healthy.

the result? cramps, diarrhea, and rebound weight gain as your body tries to replace the nutrition it lost. i think you'd be better off doing something like whole 30 and going sugar free for a week or two. painful? yes, but it will have healthier and more long-lasting effects on your metabolism.

Rosie said...

Here's Chrissy Teigen's take on it [http://sodelushious.com/2012/10/15/i-know/] and I am obsessed with her so I tend to agree.

Also, because I am not a highly paid Sports Illustrated model nor am I John Legend's fiancee - I would totally copy their recipes and make my own juices. Ghetto juice cleanse.

P!nky said...

Your mama is precious and the "ghetto juice cleanse" made me chuckle.

My vote, DON'T DO IT! Cleanses have been proven to be more harmful than helpful. They totally mess with your digestive track [um ewww] and you gain everything back when you start eating again. If you really wanna try juicing, I would say, just replace one meal with a juice during the day and see how you feel.

xoxo

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