FAQ (Fake Asked Questions) Part II

Last year, I brought you a rousing post chock-full of questions that nobody asked, because that's what bloggers do. We self-importancelize (I don't even know) to the point that we're convinced people need to know what we ate for breakfast this morning or how many times we went to the bathroom (bacon and eggs, and twice so far, btw). I'm not going to pretend you care about that kind of mundane crap. Instead, I'm going to pretend you care about a slew of other more interesting things. 

Here are the questions I wished I was being asked:

I’ve been single for 5 years and I really want a boyfriend. I’ve tried everything: eHarmony, blind dates, even stalking boys I like, but nothing seems to work. You’ve been dating Kyle since the beginning of this blog—how did you meet and how do I get a boyfriend myself?

Dear Gretchen Weiners,

Let’s get one thing straight: boys’ sense of smell is strongest around the stench of desperation. And also bacon. I met Kyle at work, where I am highly adept at what I do and always impeccably groomed. Neither of those qualities allows for a single fuck to be given. I can only assume it is these traits that attracted Kyle to me. Nevermind the fact that Kyle thought I was “loud” and “overbearing” when we first met. Nevermind that he still thinks that about me. This is who I am, so it’s better to just come right out with that than hide it away for a rainy day. So I guess what I’m saying is, just be yourself? Or more accurately, be me! 

{Kyle and I just being ourselves (in other words, awesome)}

Everyone seems pretty obsessed with jean jackets right now. Don’t they know how goddamn stupid they look in them???

Dear Dead-On,

When I see someone in a jean jacket, I can’t help but wonder who allowed them to go out like that. Was it a friend out for vengeance after setting them up on some kind of tortuous blind date?? Maybe it was that hipster guy they’re dating that they met at Burning Man who they’re pretty sure they should dump, but “hey, the free fro yo he hooks me up with at his PinkBerry job makes it worth it, kind of”??
I’m pretty sure the last time I wore a denim jacket I was in 4^th grade. This was around the same time I rocked slouch socks, Reeboks, Limited Too t-shirts, slap bracelets and a spiral perm. The only thing that should make a comeback from that last sentence is slap bracelets. Stop trying to make jean jackets happen, people. They’re not going to happen.

{Even Heidi Klum looks moronic in a denim jacket}

How come good things happen to bad people?

Dear Unrealistic Expectations,

There’s a lot of reasons good things happen to bad people. Are the people you speak of attractive? I don’t mean to you personally, because if you hate them, you probably think everything they do is ugly and annoying (I’m reminded of this eCard). But according to public opinion, would these “bad people” be considered marginally attractive? Because part of good things happening to people, regardless of their innate goodness or lack thereof, is their looks. And also how slutty they’re willing to be. It’s just science, people!

B (Badness) +  H² (Hotness) ÷ L (Luck) x √Sl (Sluttiness) =  SCIENCE!!!

If they’re not, and they are merely the type of bad people who are equally plagued with bad looks, then my guess is that they’re just really, really, really fake manipulative. Either way, don’t worry about. This is why the mean girls from high school get fat in college or that coworker who you know ate your lunch every day got fired for insider trading. It’s called karma and it’s a bitch and we’re best friends.

{Kristen Stewart pretty much embodies the whole "good things happening to bad people" thing. I mean would it kill her to be happy about being a damned movie star?!! Just look at her with her I'm-here-but-I-hate-everyone-but-I'll-take-your-buckets-of-money-anyway face. Ugh.}

I’m really into nail polish trends right now which is why I love your manicure tutorials. So what IS the deal with your tiny child hands?

Dear Man Hands,

Although in my head I’m 6 feet tall and carry myself like the most imposing force in the room, I’m actually “petite” by fashion standards. Not including my breasticals, which are 100% real y’all! But being only 5’4” means that most of my features are/should be dainty. That said, yes, my hands are freakishly small. My mom tells me I have little girl hands because they basically stopped developing by the time I was 8. And while I will never be a hand model, I will also never run the risk of drawing comparisons to weird-handed celebrities like Megan Fox or Uma Thurman. Next question!

{This is what the nails of a baby look like}

You know that show “Girls?” You remind me of Hannah, because she’s so selfish and complains all the time. Who do I remind you of?

Dear Marnie,

Is that you?? I know it is. Look. Of course I watch the show that will define our generation. Or at least, A show that will define A generation. And ya know what? There’s nothing wrong with putting your own needs before others and then whining to everyone around you when they don’t do the same. That’s what you call being a “20-something.” And if you’re not that way, then you’re just doing it wrong.

{Marnie resorts to grimacing and alcohol to deal with her friends}

For some reason, your blog still hasn’t made you famous. It seems like a crime against humanity that more people don’t know you and this blog exist!! What can we do about it and how can I help??

Dear My New Best Friend,

While you’re right about the crime against humanity that more people don’t know CupcakesOMG! bit, you’re wrong that I’m not famous. I pretty much get recognized everywhere I go. If I have to tell one more person that “no, that wasn’t me on the cover of People’s 50 Most Beautiful People issue this year”… sigh. Anyway, if you want to be my social media pimp, I’m totally down. Just follow me on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and the blog itself and you can help spread the word.

Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but here’s my number, so call me maybe?

Are we still doing this????