The Best Birthday Card of All Time

My friend Chris sent me this sweet birthday card:

Well, can't argue with the truth. Oh, wait...there's more:

I LOL'd about this for, oh, I'd say a good 3 or 4 minutes. I'm talking actual LOLing. And then, in his signature way, Chris concluded his loving note in a way only the two of us could appreciate. Probably.

Love you too. Bitch.

6 Trends You Can Thank a Blogger For

Hello my sexy candy pandas!! How are you on this glorious end of June? Haha, jk, I don't really care.

So in the latest edition of "Things I Do When No One's Looking," I've joined two fashion blogger communities this week: Chictopia and Independent Fashion Bloggers. I thought it'd be a good way to 1.) Get introduced to new blogs to follow (although I need more blogs to follow like I need a hole in my head) and 2.) (and far more self-servingly importantly) to get some more followers to this here AMAZEBALLSUSA blog. If you come here to see what I've decided to ramble on about with any kind of regularity and haven't clicked the follow button over yonder on the right, we are officially in a fight.

Okay, fight's over. I've got other stuff I want to talk about today. (This is pretty much how it goes with Kyle, too.)

So like I was saying, I've joined these online blogger communities and realized that we bloggers have been pretty influential throughout our short history. From how to wear socks with heels to the latest food-on-a-stick fad, bloggers the world over have single-handedly catapulted the likes of 5-inch platforms and gourmet cupcakes into the mainstream spotlight. I'd like to attribute the latter almost exclusively to myself. Thankyouverymuch.

After doing a little research, and then deciding that was too much work and just wingin' the rest, I've compiled a list of 6 Trends You Can Thank a Blogger For. Love 'em or hate 'em, they're what's happening.

Trend #1: Breaking all the rules 
Once upon a time in a land not so far away, an evil fashion overlord coined the term "Fashion Don'ts." The townspeople were cast under a spell which led them to believe wearing black and brown together was worthy of public ridicule and pairing socks with heels was grounds for burning at the stake.

{Image via Fashion Salade}

Many years went by, and the townspeople grew accustomed to dressing like each other and abiding by the "rules" until one day, a young girl came to the town, dressed in all things "don't". When they told her she was breaking the rules, she replied "That's the mutherfucking point, y'all." 

{Photo via Man Repeller. Combining prints is one of Leandra's fav things to do.}

What I love about fashion is that it doesn't take one form; it's totally fluid and completely personal. Bloggers embrace this concept better than ANY celebrity stylist or designer and are now setting the trends for them. While I've yet to don a pair of striped socks with wooden platforms just yet, I've totally combined black and brown, worn stripes and polka dots, and made a few questionable choices about leggings as pants. So what?? Who cares? If you look good, feel great, and have your hoo-ha covered then go for it!

Trend #2: Jeffrey Campbell shoes
The first time I heard of Jeffrey Campbell was well over a year ago whilst perusing Cupcakes and Cashmere. Emily was wearing one of JC's best sellers: the Tick wedge. Here's a poorly-lit photo of me standing next to a Barbie dream car in Vegas holding my 6th or 7th Fat Tuesday drink wearing mine:

JC is in an L.A.-based design company (at least, I'm pretty sure it's just a brand and not an actual guy, although if it is a guy...heyyyyyyyyyyy!) pumping out sky-high platforms with some of the most artistic details I've seen. Despite their one-of-a-kind looks, they're fairly reasonably priced (generally under $200). Bloggers have been all up in this JC bi'ness from day one, first with their Tick wedges and then with their Litas.

{Jeffrey Campbell Lita...I'm dying to have a pair in this sparkly pink!}

You can hardly mention the word Lita without conjuring up images of bloggers in their flowy ivory dresses or motorcycle jackets, looking at vintage jewelry at their local flea market. Speaking of flea markets...

Trend #3: Flea Markets/All Things Vintage
Okay, okay. In all fairness, I can't say that bloggers are solely responsible for Gen Y's newfound aprpeciation for flea markets and vintage wares. After all, people trying to avoid filing for bankruptcy have been digging flea markets from day one. However, bloggers LOVE to find old crap and make it new again, not only 'cus it's cheap, but because it gives them great materials to blog ABOUT. Everybody wins!

{Photo via Cupcakes and Cashmere. I mean, c'mon...who's flea market has vintage Chanel heels?!?!}

Then, blog followers read about the latest vintage Chanel bag Jane blogger stumbled upon at her sweet ass flea market for a whopping $10 that's way effing better than the lame one that pops up at your neighborhood, and suddenly every 20-something girl you know wants to go scour flea markets for hours every weekend, buying nary a candlestick and some hot tea. YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE!!!!!

Trend #4: Cray Cray Nail Polish
Again, I'm not saying bloggers are solely responsible for the popularity nail polish is experiencing as of late, however, bloggers have gotten pretty DAMN creative at using color. Whether it's an isolated smattering of glitter...:

{Photo via Cupcakes and Cashmere}

...water marbled nails...

{Photo via All Lacquered Up}

...or just a solid neon nail:

{Photo via Atlantic-Pacific}

...bloggers have made it crystal clear that nails are as important an excess-ory as any other.

Trend #5: Excess-ories

I'm getting pretty good as this segue thing, eh?? If the pun happens to elude you, what I'm talking about is wearing an excess of accessories, be they bracelets, ring, necklaces, what-have-you. All of my favorite bloggers worship right alongside me at the temple of excess. No longer is Coco Chanel's old addage of "take one thing off before you leave the house" appropriate. Today, "more is more" is more. 

{Photo via Kendi Everday. Big gold timepiece, flanked by various bangles.}

{Photo via Aureta's Blog. Aureta works two, two, two trends in one!
That'd be nails and excessories, if you weren't sure.}

{Photo via Man Repeller. Leandra is one of my fav excessorizers!}

Do you feel under-dressed now, after seeing with what abandon these ladies put baubles on in the morning??! I certainly do. And I'm wearing a giant plastic cocktail ring, heavy "vintage" gold chain necklace, and a black enamel snake bracelet today!

Trend #6: Cupcakes
Like I could talk about blogger trends and forget cupcakes?!?! I know I haven't featured any cupcakes on my site as of late, but between my general avoidance lately of all things sugar and effort to make this a more well-rounded blog, I felt it necessary to cleanse everyone's palate. That said, of course bloggers are responsible for the cupcake explosion!! Are you kidding?? Entire blogs were, and still are, devoted to nothing but the topic. I'm not talking just your little chocolate-on-vanilla cupcake either. I'm talking piece-of-art cupcakes!

{Image via Bake It In a Cake. Donut-stuffed cupcakes!}

{Photo via the Cupcake Project. Cupcake push-pops!}

{Photo via Bakerella. Cupcake Pops...on a muther effing stick, y'all!!}

{And of course, my chocolate peanut butter cupcakes. Recipe here.} 

I can honestly say that without blogs, I would never have been able to cultivate my love for cupcakes, and, incidentally, my love for blogs and blogging. 

There is 100% no doubt in my mind I've left off other trends, but let's face it: this post is long and our generation has the attention span of a nat. If I've left something off that you feel is to important not to mention, let me know in the comments!!!

Rachel Zoe's New Clothing Line: I Do Not Die

Rachel Zoe is a brand genius. Homegirl can spot a trend from a mile away, no matter how many sequins, feathers, and studs it may be drowning in. She's such a style icon, she's even shaped the lexicon used by influential trendsetters like myself, obvi ("Ba-na-nas", "Ahmazing", "Lit'rally", "Shutting it Down", and of course "I Die" are among my favorite Zoe-isms). So it's no surprise that in today's multi-hyphenate-career-ambition crazed society that she'd venture out beyond peasant things like celebrity styling and into, say, designing clothes.

And she did. Once upon time, Rachel struck a deal to co-design various accessories for QVC and put her moniker on things like scarves, cocktail rings, and handbags. It wasn't groundbreaking design (a few faux fur vests, some floppy hats), but it was affordable and enough on-trend that it worked.

But apparently it wasn't enough, because Rach went and did this:

These are looks from the new "Oh So Zoe" Rachel Zoe collection available for pre-sale as of today at Neiman Marcus, and it lit'rally HORRIFIES me to admit that there is nothing being shut down about these looks.

There's nothing wrong, per se, with her simple silhouettes and color palette. It's just that there's nothing, oh, I dunno, AHMAZING or BANANAS about any of these pieces. Furthermore, since the price tag on these items (and high end retailer selling her wares) suggests she's meant to go up against the likes of Diane von Furstenburg or her multi-hyphenate peers Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen's Elizabeth & James line, I'm disappointed the clothes aren't more interesting. I mean, this is Rachel Zoe we're talking about--student of excess and vintage Chanel. Where's the spice??

Even the simplest, most classic clothes can have interesting details. Perhaps I'm not seeing them?? Or worse, perhaps they're not there.

I do like a few pieces, including this $295 sequin dress:

This wide-leg white pantsuit:

And these $395 double-platform wedges:

I'll reserve my final judgment for seeing the clothes in person (maybe the craftsmanship is impeccable!), but for now, I do not die.

How about y'all? Do YOU die for this collection?? Do you think Rach was BANANAS for unveiling this collection in the first place? I LIT'RALLY want to know everything you think in the comments!!

Cloudy with a Chance of Big Bird (and Glitter)

{Mark + James dress, Steve Madden heels, Zara clutch, H&M ring,
Express and Forever 21 bracelets, Express earrings}

I'm hoping you won't be able to tell how overcast it was when Kyle took these pictures. I'm also hoping you're blindly unaware of how critical I was being of, well, everything around me as we were taking these. "That angle is unflattering." "I'm cold." "I hate everyone on the New Jersey Turnpike!!!" What I AM hoping you'll notice is how amazing I look in this yellow dress.

I realized I looked good in yellow some time in high school after I started coloring my hair red. Something about the culinary color combo of ketchup and mustard works even in the absence of a cookout. So when I started evaluating options for Kyle's roommate's wedding this weekend, I knew I wanted to wear something yellow. Bonus points if it had sequins. 

After browsing nearly the entire breadth of the women's dress selection on NeimanMarcus.com, I found the perfect dress. I knew I could do far more justice for this dress than the sad sap, frail, blond thing modeling it online. Despite it's $400 price tag, I was ready to make my purchase. It's called an investment piece, y'all. Also, that's how I justify everything I buy. "Oh, this orange rhinestone turban?? It's an investment piece. Timeless, really. I imagine it will be passed down shopaholic generation after generation."

So anyway, I'm going to tear my AmEx from the grips of Kyle's callused hands when I was faced with a scenario unfamiliar to me: I could not have it. The damn dress was sold out!! 

"But who else could wear this as well as me?!," I lamented. No one, that's who. I scoured my standby stores to find the dress elsewhere, and yet again came up empty-handed. Down, but not defeated, I explored one final option: Rent the Runway. 

{Sneakin' a peek}

If you haven't had the eye-opening experience of being introduced to RTR, allow me to explain. It's like Netflix for designer duds. Dresses, bags, jewelry, it's all there and ready to rent for 4 days at a far more reasonable price (generally between $50-$100 per item) than purchasing your own. But wait, there's more! Not only will they send you your (freshly dry-cleaned) dreamy dress in a really chic garment bag with a prepaid return envelope, but they'll also send you a second size totally free. There is literally nothing more genius than this concept. NOTHING!!!

This marked my first experience using RTR and I'm delighted to report it went off without a hitch. Well, ya know, except for the part where I got bitchy at my boyfriend. He's real patient. I'm real crazy. We work well because/in spite of this. 

The dress arrived exactly when it was supposed to and the garments were immaculate. For anyone with a busy wedding-going-to season, RTR is an amazing option to consider. It certainly beats shelling out a couple hundo for a new dress for each event. I'm planning on using them again in September for Kyle's brother's wedding. 

{Chanel's Particuliere underneath OPI's Only Gold for Me top coat. I felt compelled to share with you. You're welcome.}

And btw, in case you couldn't tell, the look I was going for was if Liberace and Big Bird had a baby and that baby went on to be Vegas showgirl (minus the headdress). I feel pretty good about the whole effect, really.

I mean, with a mug like this, how could I not?!?!

So, the question is, what color should I wear next? Have you ever used RTR? Did you have as great an experience as me?? Do you think you could look better in yellow than moi?!?! Tell me everything in the comments!

HIWWI: Haus of Price Mega Bootie

{Haus of Price Mega Bootie, $334.95}

I pride myself on being a fairly resolute person. If I like something, I like it. If I say I'm going to do something, I do it. This shoe, however, threw me for a fickle loop. The first time I saw it, I thought it was terrible gauche (that's a fancy way of saying gaudy, obvi). And this, coming from me!!! The next time I saw it though, I thought, okay, I can see how some people might like it. The next time I saw it, I knew I had to have it. Sadly, by this time the shoe was sold out. Oh, and it's also $335.

So I totally get if you don't appreciate this shoe right now. Give it time. Before you know it, the image of multi-colored gem-encrusted open-toe booties will have embedded itself into your subconscious and you'll wonder how you could have ever NOT appreciated such immaculate footwear.

That said, the shoes continue to elude me and sell out. I hate every single person that has a pair of these right now. But since a girl can dream, let's whip up an outfit worthy of this bedazzled centerpiece.

{Zara tulip-skirt dress, $99}

I love the shape of this Zara dress. The off-white color is the perfect "Jem" to the shoe's "Pizzazz." Literally.

In keeping the dress quite simple, we now have a bit more creative license for accessories. They should still be simple and few, but still special/slightly tacky in their own right. I love this necklace for all of these reasons:

{Dannijo Rexxana Necklace, $185}

I just became obsessed with evil eye jewelry, so this bracelet would be perfect to round out this look:

{Bing Bang Evil Eye bracelet, $89}

And finally, don't forget to paint your toes--they'll be peeping out of those awesome kicks after all. Chanel just released its fall nail colors, and I think this one would be perfect:

{Chanel Peridot, $25}

So what do y'all think?? Would you wear these shoes? Did you do a double take?? Do you think what you wear even matters when your footwear is just.that.fabulous.??? Tell me everything in the comments!

FWYI: Links You Should Care About

Well, I've been reading some internet stuff, as I've been known to do, and I simply can't help but share a few things.

• What do you get when you combine a fiscally irresponsible writer with a mad passion for booze, cigarettes, men, and city living? No, not me!! Why, you get Carrie Bradshaw, of course. Even though Sex and the City has been off the air for years now, she continues to make women feel inadequate both financially and physically. Props to this article from Thought Catalog for reminding women everywhere yet again how unrealistic Hollywood portrayals of women and their shopping habits are. (Extra props for the parenthetical use of ellipses.)

• So, the guy who played Horace on Lost got married last month. Not that that would be newsworthy for any other reason than that he married a 16 year old!!!! Fact. Did that just blow your mind? Well The Daily Mail found a video of his child bride, who, btw, is trying to become a country music singer, so prepare to have your mind blown once again, friends. There are so many things wrong with the video, I hardly know where to start. Since when did low-budget auto-tuned teen bop become country music? Her parents claim she's had no plastic surgery, but I'm pretty sure those orbs on her chest could be used as a flotation device, should she fall out of that dingy. And I can't be sure, but isn't that a Fat Tuesday's glass she's holding? Ah, eff it. She's married at 16...underage drinking is the least of her worries.

• A new Miss USA was crowned on Sunday night. I wouldn't normally make a fuss (obsessed with pageants and pretty, sparkly things though I am), but bitch be a redhead!! A redhead y'all. Good.For.Us. And yes, I consider it a victory for myself as well. 

Whoops...how did THAT get in there...??

Here's the real winner. You can see how I would make the mix-up though, right???

• Emily over at Cupcakes and Cashmere is always coming up with the cutest manicures and these Mermaid Nails are no exception. I've got big plans this weekend. I don't want to give it all away, but I will tell you the highlight of these plans will be doing that to my nails. It's never ending excitement with me, I tell ya what.

• Do you ever find yourself alone, sad, and desirous of eating your feelings away into a chocolate chip oblivion, only to find you have NO BROWN SUGAR ANYWHWERE IN THIS GODDAMMNED APARTMENT!!!!??? Is that just me? Well, no more! Kerry over at Bakergirl has the cure for what ails you. And if you don't need that, just make your own brown sugar. It's supes easy.

Sweet Potato Fries with Saffron Aioli

I had sweet potato fries two times this past weekend. Well, three if you count the ones that I made. Oh, and I ate a different aioli with each batch. I've learned two important lessons from these meals:

1.) Mayonnaise and sweet potatoes are delicious together.

2.) I look really good next to sweet potatoes. There's no good explanation for it, it's just a fact.

So, feeling inspired (and beautiful), I decided to make my own variation on sweet potato fries. I also made my very first mayo, which I turned into a flavorful saffron aioli. I'm basically a God.

First, scrub your potatoes. Or not. Look, you can be as disgusting as you want. No one is watching. After you have/have not washed your taters, it's up to you whether you want to peel them. I didn't, as a lot of nutrients are in the skin, plus I feel like the skin allows the fries to hold up better. Again, no one is watching. Whoopsy, did you drop a potato on the floor? NBD, just put it back in the bowl. That's right...

After you have/have not washed and have/have not dropped it on the dirty floor, cut it into strips. There's really no rhyme or reason as to how you should cut them, but since I'm making fries, I tried to make fry shapes. I like to live life on the edge. On the edge of glory, that is.

In a bowl, drizzle some melted coconut oil (about 1 Tbsp per potato) on the fries, and add a generous pinch of salt and pepper. Mix 'em around so they're well-coated and transfer to a cookie sheet. Try to spread them into one layer, with a bit of room.

{Clearly, I did not give them much room.}

Hopefully you've pre-heated your oven to 450 degrees, because otherwise, you're gonna have to wait around for a while before you can pop these bad boys into the oven for 20-25 minutes. Bad planning on your part dude. Bad planning.

While those bake, start making your aioli. I made the decision to make this by hand (read: my arm nearly fell off by the time it was done), but I'd recommend using your electric mixer. A food processor isn't a great idea, unless you're planning to double or triple the batch.

Start by soaking a small pinch of saffron in a Tbsp and a half of warm water.

{That's saffron. That's all ya need. It's expensive. It's also delicious.}

Do that part first, because you'll need it to soak in the water for about 20 minutes. 

In the meantime, combine two egg yolks, a small clove of minced garlic, and a quarter tsp of salt in a deep bowl. Then, verrrrrrrrrrrrrrry slowly, like, slow enough you almost don't wanna bother, drizzle 3/4 cup of olive oil into the egg mixture, whisking vigorously all the time. This process will take anywhere from 8 to 15 minutes, depending on whether you're using a hand mixer or whisk. 

Once it looks like mayo, and you've added all the oil, add the saffron water to the mixture, along with a squeeze of fresh lemon (don't skip this part), and add a grind of black pepper. Whisk that shit together and then refrigerate your aioli for a few hours before serving.

This is my new favorite snack, paleo or otherwise. You will NOT be disappointed. Well, I guess you might be disappointed, but if you can be disappointed by mayonnaise, you don't have enough to worry about in life. Looks like somebody needs a hobbyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!

*Editor's Note: Sweet potato fries are not as crispy as regular fries. Supposedly, you can coat your fries with corn starch before cooking which makes for a crispier fry, but that's not Paleo, so I'm going to try using coconut flour next time. If you use either of these, let me know. Think of it like in olden times when the king would have someone taste his food first to see if it was poisoned or not. If you don't die, I expect a full report back.

HIWWI: DKNY Striped Crew Neck

{DKNY Striped Crew Neck, $175}

The other day as I was pulling up to a red light, I saw a woman walking on the sidewalk wearing a black and white striped crew neck with coral-ish shorts. 

"Super cute," I thought. When I finally slammed on my brakes came to a complete stop, I was able to get a better look. Girlfriend was a HOT MESS: sloppy top, ill-fitting shorts, and frizzy hair. Obviously, the concept was a 10, but the execution was a 3.7, at best (and that's excluding the Russian judges scores). Well, she can be a hot mess all she wants, but I know a good idea when I see one, so today I'm HIWWI'ing this classic B&W DKNY striped crew neck. 

Stripes are highly underrated in my opinion, which, by the way, is the only one that counts. They take an otherwise basic staple and fancy it up. And contrary to popular belief, they don't make you look wide. You know what makes you look wide? Being wide! Fortunately, stripes are getting their come-uppance this season, which makes them the perfect focal point to a casual summer get-up.

'Member that hot mess of a girl I saw the other day? Well, like I said, she was wearing these coral shorts. I liked that idea, but I thought I'd do one better and pair this top with these hot pink chino shorts:

{J.Crew chino shorts, $42.50}

The idea here is to be casual, so no belt. Just buy a pair that fit you right!

I envision myself wearing this outfit for the picnic I'm forcing Kyle to go on with me. That is, of course, unless I'm invited to a last-minute polo match or yacht brunch party. What I'm getting at is that flats are really the best option here. I love these strappy, nude patent leather sandals:

{Sam Edelman Gigi sandals, $60}

This look is venturing into preppy douchebaggery territory, so to keep things from getting to waspy, I would have to add some funky accessories to the mix. This clever and colorful babushka ring is effing hilarious and makes sure to tell the world "Hey world, I am NOT a douche!":

{nOir Natasha Babushka ring, $190}

Also, you should throw this on. Because it's pretty, that's why!!!!

{Ettika Braided Bracelet, $55}

I've made a lot of progress, but for some reason I still can't push out the image of that hot mess girl that served as the inspiration for this look!

{Essie Barbados Blue polish, $7.50}

Methinks a swipe of shimmery blue polish adds the much needed razzle-dazzle element to this look. The memory of frizzy haired, droopy shorts, hot mess girl is fading fast, leaving only the remnants of this now fabulous look to prove she ever existed at all.