I Got Your Halloween Costume Right Here

Because more than two people have approached me with questions about what they should be for Halloween, I have no choice but to embrace my newfound authority on all things costume. I mean, honestly, it should be expected from the person who whipped up this Alexis Rose costume:

Yes, that is me dressed as a female version of Axl Rose. Was that "baller" I just heard you say??

Even though I had all the pieces of my costume purchased and in hand WEEKS ago, apparently there are still many of you out there scrambling to find a slutty version of a banana costume to wear. In an effort to help you avoid looking moronic (without intending to, anyway) and perhaps the most original you'll look all year, I've rounded up a few ideas. If I'm leaving any good ones out, leave 'em in the comments!

Couple/Group costumes
What's that saying? The more the merrier...and the less ridiculous you look? Yes, a couples or group costume can do wonders for the total effect of your look. After all, what's Fred without Barney? Beavis without Butthead? Or Courtney Stodden without her 50-year-old husband?? If what you're really looking to do is leave a mark at your Halloween shindig this year, grab a buddy or two and make one of these happen!

Adele and her ex-boyfriend

Although we don't know who he is, we know all too well what Adele's ex is probably the worst human being alive. So, one of you wear a low ponytail, black dress, and heavy winged eyeliner, and the other one dress up as Bernie Madoff.

Any "Real Housewives" Cast (preferably Beverly Hills)

Great for a gaggle of gals or a group of dudes comfortable with their sexuality, the Real Housewives franchise provides AMPLE opportunity to get all your real feelings about your friends on the table. While I haven't watch each season, I don't see why you wouldn't want to go as the crazy ladies from Beverly Hills. I mean, there's a crazy former child star, Paris Hilton's aunt, and a meth addict...and that's just ONE person!! Oh, how the hilarity could, and surely will, ensue.

Amanda Knox and Casey Anthony 

Look, it's America's Sweethearts! Now that they've both been officially vindicated, we can all go back to proudly sporting mousy brown hair, dowdy clothes, and a crazy look in our eye. And ladies, word to the wise, if you're looking to hook up this Halloween, these are your costumes, because every guy I know would glady hate f*ck the hell out of these two. You're welcome.

Tom Haverford and Jean-Ralphio

It's come to my attention in recent weeks that I have something a male readership, so boys, this one's for you. Parks and Recreation is one of my absolute favorite shows on the talk box right now. If you're not watching it and laughing every 3 seconds, we can no longer be friends. However, if you're already obsessdies with it like I am, you'll know exactly who Tom and Jean-Ralphio are. Like an Amanda Knox/Casey Anthony duo, this one will no doubt bring all the ladies and their milkshakes to your yard, fellas. Bonus: these costumes don't require much more than a suit, a choreographed handshake, and an excessive amount of Axe body spray.

Inanimate Objects
Every year, some douchebag shows up to the party dressed as like, the national debt or a free mammogram (which should be taken seriously btw, ladies!), but instead of just TELLING people you're something completely douchey, why don't you actually try DRESSING as something douchey? Ehhhh???

iPhone Siri

Not since Robin Williams' dramatic turn in American movie classic "Millennium Man" has a nation been so taken with artificial intelligence. Siri may not have feelings or ya know, a body, but what she lacks in physical traits she more than makes up for in her cold, callused demeanor. To be Siri this Halloween, you can wear an iPhone made out of cardboard and have people ask you questions all night with guaranteed bitchy responses, or you can just go as Santana from Glee. It's up to you.

The McRib

Sooooooooo, I don't know if you heard, but the McRib is back. Seeing how the point of Halloween is to scare the literal shit out of someone, and I can neither imagine anything scarier nor something that would induce as much fecal matter from a person as a McRib, here's the winner for scariest costume this year. 

Suri's Burn Book

If you're not religiously reading Suri's Burn Book, please remedy this ASAP. Like Regina George before her, "Suri" takes pen to paper (or keystroke to Tumblr page) to muse on all things celebrity children, generally to reprimand her own mother's sense of style...or lack thereof. Suri's burn book would be a great costume because it would give you free reign to chastise everyone's clothing, shoes, and general demeanor. Bonus tip: Make it a couple's costume and bring along mom Katie or wacky dad Tom!

Solo Costumes
Most of you will likely wait to the last minute to get your act together and end up flying solo costume-wise this year. These ideas should be both easy to wrangle up at the last minute and huge hits at whatever Halloween festivity you deem worthy enough to grace with your presence.

Lindsay Lohan

I wish there were some explanation I could provide for going as Lindsanity for Halloween, but nothing could really do as much justice as the visual above. Advice for the night: stay away from the candy, lest you want these teeth.

Boo, the Dog

Want to steal the attention from all the slutty cops, slutty angels, and slutty nuns on Halloween? What about all the people in costume, too?? Go as the world's cutest dog then! All you need for this costume is excessive body hair and puppy dog eyes. A tail wouldn't hurt either. Warning: heavy petting may occur in costume.

Jennifer Lopez, who can't stop crying

By now, you've heard of JLo's emotional on-stage outburst. What you haven't seen is her offstage wallowing as well! This Halloween, stuff some junk in your trunk, wear all your diamonds at once, and burst into endless tears at the most inopportune moments possible. Apple Bobbing? More like Apple Sobbing! Pumpkin Carving? More like Pumpkin Crying! Trick-or-Treating?? More like Tears Trick-ling down My Face and Eat-ing My Feelings!!!! Alright, so that one's a stretch, but you get where I'm going with this!!