Tuesday, December 22, 2009

And Now, a Word from Jack Bauer

Jack Bauer, here.

Listen, there's not much time. Between that schoolbus of children that's about to collide with that oil tanker driven by that South African terrorist and this long line in Starbucks I'm standing in to get my Skim Chai Tea Latte, my morning is shaping up to be pretty busy. And I don't have time to be busy, you got me?!

This is matter of national importance--Christmas is two days away. The last thing I need on my head is a rampant case of bad gifts sweeping the country. You shouldn't know this, but bad gifting is directly linked to a rise in terrorist threats. I'm JACK BAUER!! I KNOW!!

Look, you gotta help me out with this, there's not much time!! Instead of buying your boyfriend/brother/father/favorite-counter-terrorist-agent some lame book light or foot massager from Sharper Image this year, thus supporting terrorism, you should seriously think about ordering a variety of cupcakes from Butch Bakery. Yeah, I said cupcakes, did I stutter? I'm JACK BAUER!!! I don't need THIS!!

I have a 5 o'clock shadow at 11 in the morning...you have to believe me when I tell you these aren't your ordinary pink buttercream-topped strawberry cucpakes. The flavor selection reads like the cocktail menu at my favorite cigar bar, with flavors like B-52 (Kahlua-soaked madagascar vanilla cake with Baileys bavarian filling), Old Fashioned (Orange-soaked whisky cake with a lemon curd filling), and everyone's favorite, the Beer Run (Chocolate and beer-infused cake with a beer buttercream topped with crushed pretzels). Then, they top these suckers with chocolate discs adorned with manly patterns, like lumberjack plaid, camo, and woodgrain. I can practically feel my chest hair growing.

Photo via Butch Bakery

 They also come in a plain cardboard box, because the last thing a MAN wants is a pink box with a black and white ribbon!! In fact, it's better to scrap the box altogether and just mail these things in a white paper envelope to avoid any terrorists tracking you down. Oh, the icing is stuck on the envelope?? Then lick it off girly man!! Paper cuts are nature's way of reminding you you're alive!! Oh, and by the way...you're welcome.

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