And Now, a Word from Jack Bauer

Jack Bauer, here.

Listen, there's not much time. Between that schoolbus of children that's about to collide with that oil tanker driven by that South African terrorist and this long line in Starbucks I'm standing in to get my Skim Chai Tea Latte, my morning is shaping up to be pretty busy. And I don't have time to be busy, you got me?!

This is matter of national importance--Christmas is two days away. The last thing I need on my head is a rampant case of bad gifts sweeping the country. You shouldn't know this, but bad gifting is directly linked to a rise in terrorist threats. I'm JACK BAUER!! I KNOW!!

Look, you gotta help me out with this, there's not much time!! Instead of buying your boyfriend/brother/father/favorite-counter-terrorist-agent some lame book light or foot massager from Sharper Image this year, thus supporting terrorism, you should seriously think about ordering a variety of cupcakes from Butch Bakery. Yeah, I said cupcakes, did I stutter? I'm JACK BAUER!!! I don't need THIS!!

I have a 5 o'clock shadow at 11 in the morning...you have to believe me when I tell you these aren't your ordinary pink buttercream-topped strawberry cucpakes. The flavor selection reads like the cocktail menu at my favorite cigar bar, with flavors like B-52 (Kahlua-soaked madagascar vanilla cake with Baileys bavarian filling), Old Fashioned (Orange-soaked whisky cake with a lemon curd filling), and everyone's favorite, the Beer Run (Chocolate and beer-infused cake with a beer buttercream topped with crushed pretzels). Then, they top these suckers with chocolate discs adorned with manly patterns, like lumberjack plaid, camo, and woodgrain. I can practically feel my chest hair growing.

Photo via Butch Bakery

 They also come in a plain cardboard box, because the last thing a MAN wants is a pink box with a black and white ribbon!! In fact, it's better to scrap the box altogether and just mail these things in a white paper envelope to avoid any terrorists tracking you down. Oh, the icing is stuck on the envelope?? Then lick it off girly man!! Paper cuts are nature's way of reminding you you're alive!! Oh, and by the way...you're welcome.

How Much Would You Pay for this Cupcake?

Photo via http://www.lasvegasvegas.com/

If you answered "less that $750" then, well, you clearly don't have your priorities straight. Do you know what this thing, nay, this blessing-on-Earth is made of?? Well, you got your ol' standby of 100 year-old Louis XIII de Remy Martin Cognac (you got that in your pantry, right?), Palmira Single Estate Chocolate from the rare Porcelain Crillo bean (it's an understatement to say it's an inconvenient when you run outta this), Tahita Gold Vanilla Caviar - the most labor-intensive agricultural crop in the world (wait...what?!), and edible gold flakes for good measure.

Unless you're a peasant, then you can get your hands on this fine accomplishment of man in Las Vegas, obvi, at some place called The Palazzo Resort.

Let's face facts--if you're buying this cupcake, you're probably having it flown back to you via private jet, which is being flown by your own unicorn, back to your own island, which you bought with money that has your face printed on it, because your life is basically a real-life version of Monopoly. Basically, you're Lady Gaga. And good for you.

One (Wo)Man's Cupcakes Are Another Man's Soda Pops

If you're not my friend on Facebook, and unless you're one of my 950-something "friends" you're not, then you haven't yet seen this amazing video:

How did you feel after you watched it?? Did you think you'd only watch the first couple minutes of it and then go back to watching reruns of "Baking with Julia"...'cus I did.

And then did you find that you started to develop an unusual passion that you never before knew you had for soda...I mean, colas of all things?!!

Did you find yourself on this man's website seriously considering purchasing a (glass) bottle of cucumber soda only to be wrestled to the floor by your boyfriend as you take your debit card out of your wallet because you've already spent far too much money on Christmas presents (for yourself, mostly) and another $3.00 on a bottle of soda could be the charge that sends the creditors after you??!! Because I did.

The point of this is to say, yes, I admit, I've been MIA. It's a long boring story that started with my parents buying me a silver Dell in college 5 years ago, involved me buying a new pink Dell over Thanksgiving, and ends with me typing this blog entry. What I'm saying is, old passions die hard. That is to say, they don't die. So whether it's sodas or cupcakes, passion loud, passion proud. And yes, I'm back. Of course, I will be on hiatus over the holidays, soooooooooo...see ya in two weeks!!!