Paleo Cheez-Its--JK, Just "Cheezey" Kale Chips

How many months ago were kale chips? Like, would you say...3 months? Maybe 6 months? Were kale chips SO 14 months ago? Look, I don't know. I can't keep up with these hippie food trends (yes I can) so excuse me if I'm approximately a year and a half behind the kale chip movement.

The truth is, kale chips are kind of the worst, #amirite? I tried making them once before and they were a soggy mess. Spoiler alert: I used oil which seems completely unnecessary now after trying this recipe.

 Also, kale chips are never really capable of satisfying that CHIP craving anyway, so in the end it's like, "UGH, why am I eating grass right now?"

But enough about disgusting vegetables--let's talk about these Cheezey Kale chips. I first tried something like these a few months ago when I was traipsing through Whole Foods with an empty stomach and a fresh paycheck in my bank account, so obviously I bought a $7 bag of 3 ounces of cheezey kale chips. They were AMAZING. I ate all two servings in one sitting.

Anyway, after shelling out probably $147 for these things over the past few months, I finally got brave enough to try making them myself, and guess what! They were almost as good. But still a pretty good substitute for when you want something that tastes like a Cheez-It but isn't, and doesn't run the price of a small goat in a third world country.

"Cheezey" Kale Chips

Makes about 4 servings

• 2 bunches of kale
• 1.5 cups raw unsalted cashews
• 1/2 red bell pepper, stem and seeds removed and roughly chopped
• 1 clove garlic
• 2 Tbsp coconut aminos
• 3 Tbsp olive oil
• 1/2 cup nutritional yeast flakes
• 1 lemon, peeled and de-seeded as much as possible
• salt to taste

1. Soak cashews in water for at least an hour before starting.

2. Preheat your oven to it's lowest setting, about 180 or 200 degrees F. 

3. Drain cashews and set aside. Tear kale leaves off stems and into large chunks (they'll shrink as they bake).

4. Add cashews, bell pepper, garlic, coconut aminos, olive oil, nutritional yeast, lemon, and salt to a food processor. Puree until everything is really smooth. It will be thick.

5. In a large bowl, combine kale leaves with cheezey cashew paste--you'll have to use your fingers to "paint" the chips with the paste, so prepare to get messy, but get it evenly on the chips. This is the good stuff!

6. Lay kale chips flat on a baking sheet in one layer (don't pile them on top of each other). Bake in the oven for an hour, then flip them over. Bake until they're completely dry (about another hour).

7. Store in an airtight container!

Paleo Popcorn and Goobers (Pork Corn and Chocolate Cashews)

Can we all just be real for a minute and agree that one of the best parts of going to the movies is so you can get a giant bag of popcorn soaked in butter-flavored topping ('cus we all know there's absolutely zero real butter in that shit) and a box of candy and eat all of it in dark, where no one can see and judge you?!?! But if you're trying to eat paleo(ish), movie theatre snacks might are just another painful reminder that your health is of no concern. To anyone. Anywhere. But fret not, my friends, because I've come up with what I think is a pretty damn good alternative: Pork Corn and Chocolate-Covered Cashews!

I chose cashews instead of almonds because they're softer and therefore, more peanut-like, according to me, but you could just as easily swap out almonds or, hell, even walnuts, if you prefer!

 I really liked that the brand of pork rinds I bought were called "Hog Heaven." Vegetarians, avert your eyes!!!

I saw a 99% cacao chocolate at the grocery store which was literally just cacao beans and vanilla extract, so I bought it figuring it was more paleo than the 70% nearby. I was also pretty sure it would taste like dirt, and it did, which meant I ended up using more honey than I wanted to, so that's a decision you'll have to make for yourself. I mean, maybe you LIKE eating dirt!!

 Crunchy, buttery PorkCorn, right alongside...

 ...chocolate-covered cashews.

 It's like having popcorn and Goobers!!

All that's missing is the movie!! If only this were out already...

Pork Corn (Paleo Popcorn) and Chocolate-Covered Cashews

• 1 bag of pork rinds
• 2 Tbsp ghee, melted
• 1 tsp. nutritional yeast (optional--this gives it a slightly cheesy flavor)
• 1 bag raw, unsalted cashews, chilled for about 15 minutes
• 2-3 ounces unsweetened dark chocolate
• 1 Tbsp. coconut oil
• 2-3 Tbsp. honey or maple syrup (optional)

1. Chop pork rinds into bite-sized pieces (about 2-3 pieces per rind, depending on size)

2. In a small bowl, combine ghee and nutritional yeast (if using) with a fork. 

3. To a large bowl, combine pork rind pieces and butter topping until well coated.

4. To make cashews, melt chocolate in the microwave in 10-15 second intervals. Be careful not to burn the chocolate and keep it away from any water, which can cause it to seize.

5. Combine melted chocolate with coconut oil and honey until you reach the desired sweetness. 

6. Remove cashews from the fridge (this will help the chocolate set up quicker). Toss nuts in chocolate until completely coated. Lay onto a foil-lined cookie sheet to set.

7. Enjoy in front of some kind of screen.

Sweet Potato Chips

You know what pride is? 

No, it's not running and completing and then bragging to a bunch of people who don't care that you completed your first or tenth marathon. Nor is it seeing your child heading off to an Ivy League school on a full scholarship. It's not even that thing, when like, you skip the bread basket at your favorite Italian restaurant AND dessert (although that is pretty impressive).

No, pride is making over a snack that has the nutritional reputation equivalent to that of, say, a drug dealer, into something equally addicting yet entirely healthy. Pride is figuring out how to make sweet potato chips:

The key to making these crispy rounds of, I dunno, heaven!, is a mandolin. It's a real fancy-like kitchen tool with an EFFING sharp blade that could cut a bitch that you pretty much have to have in order to make this (or any) chip recipe. It can also make the chore of julienning and dicing veggies a breeze.

See what I mean? It's kinda like a guillotine for tubers and other root vegetables.

Anyway, the mandolin is key for getting your sweet potato chips thin enough to properly crisp in the oven. Oh, did I forget to mention this chips are baked and not fried? Yeah, like I said...heaven!!!

After a light brushing of olive oil and a sprinkle of salt, the chips are ready for the oven. Flip 'em once or twice as they bake, then let them cool and voila! Instant [insert-diet-of-choice-here]-friendly snack:

And because I want to end things on a cliffhanger, you can come back tomorrow for TwoFaced Tuesday to see what I made to dip these chips in.

 Because after all, what's a chip without a dip?

Sweet Potato Chips

• 1-2 large sweet potatoes
• 2-3 Tbsp. olive oil
• salt, pepper, and any seasoning of your choice

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Rinse sweet potatoes.
2. Using a mandolin, slice the potato on the thinnest setting. 
3. Lay the potato slices on a cookie sheet in an even layer (i.e., don't overlap the chips). You may have to do several batches. Lightly brush the chips with olive oil and sprinkle with salt, pepper, and seasoning.
4. Bake for about 20 minutes, or until the chips are crispy all the way through. You'll need to flip the chips at about 10 minutes in. 
5. Transfer to a cooling rack to cool for a few minutes.
6. Try not to devour in one sitting.*

*Good luck with that.