Thursday, August 16, 2012

HIWWI: J. Crew ZigZag Sequin Tee

{J.Crew tee, $138}

Once upon a time, there was a land built on a swamp. I know, what a totally eff’d up idea. But it happened. Anyway, in this swamp land, there lived a relatively contented people. I say relatively because how angry can you really be at the high temperature and even higher humidity levels when you CHOOSE to live on a former swamp, but I digress. For months and months, they wandered the concrete sidewalks, dripping in their own sweat, leaving damp spots on the collars, armpits, and backs of their tops. They also lay claim to a phenomenon known as “swamp ass,” that very few admit to, but an affliction everyone suffered from nonetheless. 

In this land lived a girl with auburn waves of hair that swirled around her shoulders just so. That is, of course, unless the humidity had its way with it and assaulted it into something more reminiscent of a brillo pad. The red-headed girl couldn’t stand for the discomfort of the heat—she had a profuse sweating problem and was known across the land as the most vain of them all. While the red-headed girl enjoyed the spoils summer brought (cherries, sandals, vacations, and longer days to take blog pictures when she got home from work), she could simply not hold her tongue about the misery of the swamp land’s weather. She was adamant that the gods would hear her cries of anguish and not let the torturous weather conditions return. They never did.

And so the red-headed girl turned into an old woman (of 28) and finally resigned herself to join the ranks of the contented people of her land, until one day, she understood why they could bear it. BECAUSE SHORTLY THEREAFTER IT WOULD BE A FROZEN SWAMP FOR MANY MANY MORE MONTHS!! Of course, the red-headed girl looked forward to the fall with its crisp air and seasonal refreshments, but knowing that her fashion would be shielded with a heavy winter coat for most of the season was what she could hardly stand to bear. So at the end of this particular summer, when she spotted a black and whitesequined chevron sweater, she said “to hell with it!” and wore it anyway. 

“If I’m going to sweat in anything I wear,” she professed, “I might as well wear whatever I want!”

“I suppose I ought to take advantage of what’s left of this warm weather and bare my legs, pasty though they might be, in this ivory skirt.” 

{ASOS skirt, $42.58}

Upon inspecting her ensemble, the red-headed girl realized she’d need a skinny belt. “Perhaps this will distract from the sweat accumulating on my neck,” she thought.

No matter what the weather brought, our red-headed girl was never worried about baring her feet in the name of a platform heel.

{Zara heel, $89.90}

“I may hate being in nature, but I don’t mind wearing it. This gemstone ring will do fine.”

Although the red-headed girl was quite self-involved, she did truly love her CupCult, which is why she worked with GiGi New York toextend a discount on her favorite black clutch for all the land. “Of course, this bag will be a necessity.” 

You already know of her vanity, so it’s no surprise the little red-headed girl insisted on a face full of make-up, not matter where she went or when. “A soft shade of pink lipstick tells people ‘I’m pretty, but naturally so.’”

And it was on this day, that the vain, sweaty, superficial red-headed girl learned one of life’s most important lessons: Beauty is pain (and sweat and frostbite). So when you wince from the pinching of your new shoes, or you lament over your cold legs, just remember that the point is, you look good, and you will all live happily ever after.

J Crew Zigzag


Unknown said...

Adorable. Now if only I could afford any of these things!

<3 Daryl
Roots, Wings & Other Things.

jackie said...

you're hilarious. and i love that damn clutch! time to save save save.

Gayla said...

Cute, cute, cute!

Samara said...

Holy crap. That ring is PERFECTION.

Lydia Armstrong said...

I love that ring. I've barely gone outside this summer because I'm so sick of sweating all over the place.

Jessica said...

You are brilliant. I love your mind. :)

RosaLovesDC said...

Hilarious! I have that tee and I cannot wait to wear it, though I might have to wear it soon because I hate seeing in my closet every day.

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