HIWWI: TIBI Silk Cami

{Cami: TIBI, $158}

You guys, I’m a little bit fat right now. I’m not saying that to elicit your encouraging comments to the contrary (although, by all means, go right ahead). I’m saying it because, right now, for me, it’s true. I think ALL women, and probably some effeminate men, go through fat phases. In my case, it usually kicks off after a brief period of strict adherence to eating well (I would add “and/or working out,” but let’s face it—I never do that) followed by inordinately long periods of the complete opposite.

“Oh, dinner with friends? I guess that means I should probably eat the entire bread basket! It’s girl’s night!!”

“Hmm, a wedding? I’ll probably just eat this slice of cake and not worry about it. And when I’m done with that, I’ll eat the frosting off of Kyle’s, cus he won’t care. It’s a celebration!”

“Grocery shopping?? Ah screw it, I already had that basket of bread and cake this week…might as well buy this brick of cheese and that 6-pack of beer. It’s Sunday!!!”

I have literally had every one of those thoughts. I should probably be ashamed of myself, but I think I was born without that part of my brain or soul or wherever humility is supposed to exist. Instead of shame though, I feel highly motivated. No, not to become the world’s next greatest female competitive eater or world record holder for “Laziest Human Being Alive” (although I’m quite certain I could do both of those things quite well). I’m motivated to not be “a little bit fat” right now. More specifically, I’m motivated to get super skinz. Like, “whoa, you guys, have you seen Melissa lately? Is she dying? I’m pretty sure she’s dying. Like, she HAS something, right? She’s sooooooooo skinny. At least a tapeworm or something. I mean, right??” skinny.

To that end, I’ve been unofficially doing a Whole 30 with Kyle for the past two weeks (I wanted to wait to tell you until I knew I was past the hardest part and was really serious about the whole thing) and I even hired a personal trainer! Yes, that’s right, I didn’t feel like the $30 a month I spent on my gym membership was motivating enough to actually GO to the gym. I had to pay someone an exorbitant amount of money to force myself to show up. And you know what? It’s WORKING! And because it’s working and I’m taking all this so seriously, I figured it was high time I get my “I’m going to wear this when I get skinny” outfit together.

IMO, Jennifer Aniston has one of the best bodies in the biz. I’m prettyyyyyyyyy sure she doesn’t have an eating disorder, and we’ve all read the US Weekly stories about her insane workouts, so the way I see it, her body isn’t only hot, it’s healthy. I’m basically forcing Garrett (the aforementioned trainer) to give me Jennifer Aniston’s arms, which is why this TIBI silk tank is at the top of my list of Operation Get Skinny Motivators.

When you think about an outfit that tells the world “I look amazing,” you think skin. Lots of skin. Which is why a delicate silk tank like this should obviously be paired with short black leather shorts. Even better is when the shorts are fake leather and on sale, like these from Free People.

{Shorts: Free People, $49}

I don’t care how skinny/fit you get, everyone always looks better in heels. Always. Even better if they’re adorned with colorful pom poms to signify how cool and fun you still are, even though you’re just a little bit hungry all the time.

{Heels: ASOS, $140.85}

One of the drag queen’s on RuPaul’s Drag Race once dispensed advice that I’ll never forget: big jewelry makes everything else look smaller. But the truth is, when you’re body’s bangin’ you shouldn’t need smoke and mirrors to prove it. I’d keep the jewelry with this look simple, punctuated by these delicate pave earrings…

{Earrings: Tinley Road, $13.97}

…and this amazing quartz pendant.

{Pendant: Max & Chloe, $84}

I like to fantasize that if I were skinny enough, I would suddenly no longer need the help of make-up. Just a swipe of red polish…

{Nail Polish: Essie Geranium, $8}

…and a great fake tan.

{St. Tropez Gradual Self Tanner, $30}

But of course, we all know that you can’t be pretty unless you’re wearing a face full of whore make-up. I mean, let’s not be unrealistic here.

Do you go through fat phases? Have you tried to motivate yourself with a “when I’m skinny enough, I’ll wear this” outfit??