Does This Dress Make Me Look Fat?

{Photo via Michelle Marie Photography)

Last weekend, I got married.

To myself.

In a dress made of cake.

It totally happened!!!

Alright, you got me. I didn't get married to myself...yet. But I definitely wore a wedding dress made of cake. A 600-lb wedding dress made of cake, to be precise. 

{Photo via Charleston Restaurant Association}

{Photo via Charleston Restaurant Association}

{Photo via Michelle Marie Photography}

So, did I get to sit down inside the dress? How long was I in there? What did I do if I had to pee? WHY was I in a cake made of dress to begin with?? When am I going to start my professional pastry modelling career?!!? All good questions you are surely asking yourself. But let's start with the cake first.

The early phases of the skirt, post-crumb coat.

Katelyn Selin, Kait Ingram, and Sandrea Park Welch were the masterminds behind the 600-pound cake. Like the Mona Lisa or Starry Night or Pauly D's hair, they really didn't need a reason to create a work of art. However, in order to properly display a thing of such beauty, one of their Chef Instructor's suggested they unveil their masterpiece at the Taste of Charleston's Iron Chef competition held at the Culinary Institute of Charleston last weekend.

They started with more than 40 sheet cakes, in both red velvet and vanilla. Using only a couple of square building materials and wooden skewers for structural support, they sculpted and layered the cakes into the shape of a skirt.

Then, using about 190 pounds of buttercreams (Italian and American), they began smoothing on the "fabric".

Using their hands made for quicker work. Everything was then smoothed out by an offset spatula.

Once the base was covered and smooth, the three pastry chefs began decorating the skirt by hand with piped icing and hundreds of fondant flowers and leaves.

{Photo via Michelle Marie Photography}

{Photo via Michelle Marie Photography}

{Photo via Michelle Marie Photography}

While they did that, I was doing the hard part: getting my hair and make up did, y'all!!

{Photo via Michelle Marie Photography}

{Photo via Michelle Marie Photography}

It's hard out here for a pimp/cake dress model.

Finally, it was time to get into the cake. For starters, no, I didn't get to sit in the dress. I was standing in an oversized toilet paper roll, if you will. Will you?

Once I got in (with the assistance of a table and two very willing male volunteers), my hips were then padded to make the skirt and my top look as one.

"It's like being in a Broadway show!"

Then, my friend and baker Katelyn proceeded to smear buttercream all over my breasticals.

{Photo via Michelle Marie Photography}

I found the idea of being publicly groped by a woman HILARIOUSSSS, obvs. Clearly, Katelyn and I are closer than ever.

Eventually, the sexual assault ended and the crowd started to arrive.

{Photo via Michelle Marie Photography}

So no, I could not pee while I was in the dress, which was probably the number one question of the night. Granted, many of the people asking me about it were over 40, which apparently is around the time your bladder becomes the size of a pea (no pun intended) and even the mere idea of water brings on irresistible urges to release any urine that may be hiding in the uppermost regions of your UI tract. But I planned ahead, drank very little that day, and peed as often as I could until I got into the cake. There, are you happy???

Standing in one place, with no possibility of escape, for 4 hours proved to be pretty interesting. Of course, I got my ego stroked by the countless fans and admirers who wanted pictures of me. I also realized that when you can't walk away from the creep who keeps touching your arm, you have to find creative ways to be off-putting, without using "the face." But perhaps my favorite part of being a near invalid for 4 hours was the constant being waited on hand and foot. 

Exhibit A:

Acclaimed pastry chef and Chef Instructor David Vagasky bringing me meats and cheeses and graciously serving me off his very back.

Exhibit B:

Being served a piece of cake from my very own dress.

Exhibit C:

Having a perma-snack literally ON my person, thus never running low on blood sugar.

Eventually though, I had to get out of the dress. It was time to serve the cake, and frankly, I had grown tired of people inquiring about my bathroom habits. Even though I didn't "pop" out of the cake, it was still quite eventful for those around.

I got to wear this very Lucille Ball concoction of trash bag and chefs jacket to scurry off the bathroom to change and wipe cake off myself. Here we are a week later, and I'm still finding buttercream in places it shouldn't be.

So yes, I was certainly a star of the show, but what's new?? The REAL stars of the evening were the three incredibly talented bakers and their amazing cake, which, btw, was delicious. 

If you live anywhere near the Charleston area and are in need of any pastry or photography services, you should definitely be in touch with these ladies.

Katelyn Selin - Seersucker Sweets

Kait Ingram - Sweet Tooth

Sandrea Park Welch - Sunny Park Cakes

Michelle Marie Photography