Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Fake Asked Questions (FAQ)

I'm important!! It's true, because I blog. And clearly, only people of the utmost importance blog. This is evident because many bloggers feel inclined to include a lengthy FAQ section on their blog. Nevermind if they only have 30 readers. Nope. Those 30 people hassle these poor, innocent, important bloggers to the breaking point so much so that they actually HAVE to put an FAQ section on their blog. Ya know, because the 17th time you have to answer the question "What size shoe do you wear?" you just about want to gouge your eyes out with your freshly manicured (it's Essie's Mint Candy Apple, btw) fingernails.

I have no FAQ section because, let's face it, none of you have any questions for me. Well, except for the occasional "what is WRONG with you?" but that requires a far lengthier answer than an FAQ could provide. But why should that stop me??? Perhaps these aren't "frequently" asked questions, but I guarantee your life will be richer for knowing the answers to these FAQ (fake asked questions).

{This is the face of someone you want to know everything about!}

Q: When did you first realize you were so talented and beautiful? But no, seriously...you're SO talented and beautiful!!!
A: Oh my, thank you! :) I first realized I was talented and beautiful around the age of 5. I was cast in the most important role in my kindergarten Christmas play. Even with mouse face paint and ears, I looked ravishing. In fact, I was so fascinated by my natural beauty, that I was nearly late to make my entrance. In the natural confusion of things, I entered from the wrong side of the stage. For some reason the audience found the flub entirely hilarious. And then it hit me: "They're laughing at what I did! I'm AMAZINGGGGG!" And that was that

Q: Between Elle Woods and RuPaul, who would you cite as your biggest influence?
A: Trick question! Obviously my biggest influence is RuPaul dressed AS Elle Woods. Next!

Q: If your life were made into a movie, who would play you?
A: Hopefully Jenna Marbles. And if she's unavailable, Steve Buscemi. What? He's an amazing actor.

Q: Please list, in order of importance, the most important things in life.
A: 1. Looking good. That is all.

Q: You always smell so good. I'm not stalking you...I swear...I just...have a special computer with...smell-o-vision...so anyway, what perfume do you wear?
A: Unlike most people, I do not believe your fragrance should only be smelled within arm's reach. I firmly believe it should announce your arrival as loud as possible. Besides, if it doesn't, who will?? That said, I wear a special concoction mixed for me by the aborigine people of Australia which is equal parts dingo dung and papaya extract. It smells like if a dream catcher caught a nightmare. Covered in dingo dung.

Q: What advice would you give someone who wants to start a blog?
A: Don't. I don't need any more competition.

Q: Can we be best friends???
A: Sure! Of course, you realize being my best friend means you compliment everything I do/say and buy me presents, right?

Q: Who do you think you are? No, really...?
A: When I figure it out, you'll be the first to know.


Meg O. said...

LOL. I love you.

Sewasis said...

Ha, thank you for making me burst out laughing at work :)

xoxo Nicole


haha the first paragraph made me lol

Alison said...

this is actually hilarious! great post :)

<3 Alison

Kdotorg said...

Hah, RuPaul dressed as Elle Woods.. WE CAN TOTALLY MAKE THIS HAPPEN!!

Chelsea said...

You are too funny!

Lydia Armstrong said...

I just discovered this post!! Hilar. I kind of want to stalk you now and smell your perfume.

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