The Pretty Equation

Look, I'll be honest--I don't wear a stitch of make up. Ever.

But since many of you normal people do need a little extra help sparing the world from the horror that is your face (which I simply can't relate to), I figured I'd dispense some of my favorite tricks of the trade in an act of charity.

There's a lot of junk clogging up the pores of the beauty industry--perpetuated either by men or the government, I'm still working out my conspiracy theory--that you've simply got to STOP holding out faith in, like Santa Claus or a decent tax return. I'm looking at you eye creams and cellulite removers!! Honestly, with just a few steps, you can have a comprehensive skin care routing ensuring optimum make up enhancement, if you're into that kind of thing.

1.) Cleanser
Too many of y'all ugly bitches are sleeping in your make up. Done!! I said it. I don't care if you're wearing organic bronzer made from outer space unicorn poop--take that shit off! The cardinal rule of any good skin care routine is to start with a clean face. Do this twice a day. Yes, twice. I recommend two products: a cleanser to remove the make up and a medicated/anti-acne face wash to prevent breakouts.

My cleanser of choice is Oil of Olay's Foaming Face Wash for sensitive skin. As a sensitive skin customer, I've personally never had any aggrevation from this cleanser, plus it's a steal at $4.99:

As for a medicated face wash, I'm sure you have your own school of thought, but as someone who hasn't had a pimple since 1997, you should probably take my word for it; all you need is a product with salicylic acid. Nearly all Clean & Clear products list it as their active ingredient. Benzoyl peroxide is another key ingredient. Both of these are crucial to zapping the gar-bahge from your pores to prevent further breakouts.

Pair this with a Clairisonic and gurrrrrrlll...you better get ready to squash the pregnancy rumors because you're skin will be glowing.

2.) Alpha-Hydrox Souffle

I'm giving all of you my secret weapon for, well, EVERYTHING. Zits, uneven skin tone, sun spots, stretch marks, wrinkles--this stuff works on all of it. And by works, I mean makes everything right with the world. Considering it's the closest thing to the fountain of youth I could imagine, it's a steal at $16. Slather this all over your face after a good washing and just watch all of your dreams come true.*

*Disclaimer: All dreams may or may not come true. I'd be especially weary of that one about marrying into royalty, mmkay? Just sayin'.

3.) Sunscreen

Okay, I know I said before that the face washing thing is the cardinal rule of skincare--scratch that. It's sunscreen. It's always been sunscreen and it always will be sunscreen. 

I know what you're thinking: "Melissa, you're the whitest person I've ever seen. See-through practically. You're probably paid by the Sunscreen Association of America to be the poster child for albanism." Damn, you're kind of a bitch! But the truth is, sun damage is one of the main culprits of wrinkles and uneven skin tone. Sunscreen (even if it's only a moisturizer with SPF) needs to be part of your morning routine, especially if you want to keep smoking/drinking/eating poorly/doing everything else wrong. Your 45-year-old self will thank you for it. Well, she'll thank me, but you get the idea. I like Kiehl's Ultra Facial Moisturizer with SPF 15. Put it on under make up, on your chest, arms, and tops of hands for optimum coverage.

THAT'S IT!!! 

Honestly, it's easier to remember than that thing I forgot. I'm not saying you have to use the exact products I've listed, but what I am saying is that I'm perfect. In all ways, ever. The point is, there's really only a few key pieces to a well-rounded skin care routine and they need not be expensive. Save that money for shoes or a good dose of Botox. Did I forget to mention the importance of Botox to a good skin care routine? My bad.