Get on My Face

I thought about calling this post "I Wear My Sunglasses at Day" but then I realized that would make me sound like a total douchebag and the last time I checked, I wasn't simultaneously hitting on insecure girls at a bar in Georgetown, withdrawing hundos from my trust fund to support a dirty coke habit, and bitching about Occupy Wall Street with my other 22-year old friends who don't have jobs. 

So like I said, I'm not a douchebag. I AM, however, addicted to looking fabulous, so when I saw these Thierry Lasry shades on my new favorite show Happy Endings a couple weeks ago, I had to have them. 

At the time, I had no idea who made them or where to find them, thus I began my 12-hour search to figure it out. But figure it out I did! Specifically, these are the Thierry Lasry "Lively" sunnies. Apparently Madonna owns a pair, which makes us BFF now. Although they were sold out nearly everywhere, I managed to find them through UK retailer Matches.

{Sweater: Feel the Piece; Sunnies: Thierry Lasry; Jewelry: Michael Kors, Express}

I literally have never felt/looked/acted cooler in my life.

Does This Dress Make Me Look Fat?

{Photo via Michelle Marie Photography)

Last weekend, I got married.

To myself.

In a dress made of cake.

It totally happened!!!

Alright, you got me. I didn't get married to myself...yet. But I definitely wore a wedding dress made of cake. A 600-lb wedding dress made of cake, to be precise. 

{Photo via Charleston Restaurant Association}

{Photo via Charleston Restaurant Association}

{Photo via Michelle Marie Photography}

So, did I get to sit down inside the dress? How long was I in there? What did I do if I had to pee? WHY was I in a cake made of dress to begin with?? When am I going to start my professional pastry modelling career?!!? All good questions you are surely asking yourself. But let's start with the cake first.

The early phases of the skirt, post-crumb coat.

Katelyn Selin, Kait Ingram, and Sandrea Park Welch were the masterminds behind the 600-pound cake. Like the Mona Lisa or Starry Night or Pauly D's hair, they really didn't need a reason to create a work of art. However, in order to properly display a thing of such beauty, one of their Chef Instructor's suggested they unveil their masterpiece at the Taste of Charleston's Iron Chef competition held at the Culinary Institute of Charleston last weekend.

They started with more than 40 sheet cakes, in both red velvet and vanilla. Using only a couple of square building materials and wooden skewers for structural support, they sculpted and layered the cakes into the shape of a skirt.

Then, using about 190 pounds of buttercreams (Italian and American), they began smoothing on the "fabric".

Using their hands made for quicker work. Everything was then smoothed out by an offset spatula.

Once the base was covered and smooth, the three pastry chefs began decorating the skirt by hand with piped icing and hundreds of fondant flowers and leaves.

{Photo via Michelle Marie Photography}

{Photo via Michelle Marie Photography}

{Photo via Michelle Marie Photography}

While they did that, I was doing the hard part: getting my hair and make up did, y'all!!

{Photo via Michelle Marie Photography}

{Photo via Michelle Marie Photography}

It's hard out here for a pimp/cake dress model.

Finally, it was time to get into the cake. For starters, no, I didn't get to sit in the dress. I was standing in an oversized toilet paper roll, if you will. Will you?

Once I got in (with the assistance of a table and two very willing male volunteers), my hips were then padded to make the skirt and my top look as one.

"It's like being in a Broadway show!"

Then, my friend and baker Katelyn proceeded to smear buttercream all over my breasticals.

{Photo via Michelle Marie Photography}

I found the idea of being publicly groped by a woman HILARIOUSSSS, obvs. Clearly, Katelyn and I are closer than ever.

Eventually, the sexual assault ended and the crowd started to arrive.

{Photo via Michelle Marie Photography}

So no, I could not pee while I was in the dress, which was probably the number one question of the night. Granted, many of the people asking me about it were over 40, which apparently is around the time your bladder becomes the size of a pea (no pun intended) and even the mere idea of water brings on irresistible urges to release any urine that may be hiding in the uppermost regions of your UI tract. But I planned ahead, drank very little that day, and peed as often as I could until I got into the cake. There, are you happy???

Standing in one place, with no possibility of escape, for 4 hours proved to be pretty interesting. Of course, I got my ego stroked by the countless fans and admirers who wanted pictures of me. I also realized that when you can't walk away from the creep who keeps touching your arm, you have to find creative ways to be off-putting, without using "the face." But perhaps my favorite part of being a near invalid for 4 hours was the constant being waited on hand and foot. 

Exhibit A:

Acclaimed pastry chef and Chef Instructor David Vagasky bringing me meats and cheeses and graciously serving me off his very back.

Exhibit B:

Being served a piece of cake from my very own dress.

Exhibit C:

Having a perma-snack literally ON my person, thus never running low on blood sugar.

Eventually though, I had to get out of the dress. It was time to serve the cake, and frankly, I had grown tired of people inquiring about my bathroom habits. Even though I didn't "pop" out of the cake, it was still quite eventful for those around.

I got to wear this very Lucille Ball concoction of trash bag and chefs jacket to scurry off the bathroom to change and wipe cake off myself. Here we are a week later, and I'm still finding buttercream in places it shouldn't be.

So yes, I was certainly a star of the show, but what's new?? The REAL stars of the evening were the three incredibly talented bakers and their amazing cake, which, btw, was delicious. 

If you live anywhere near the Charleston area and are in need of any pastry or photography services, you should definitely be in touch with these ladies.

Katelyn Selin - Seersucker Sweets

Kait Ingram - Sweet Tooth

Sandrea Park Welch - Sunny Park Cakes

Michelle Marie Photography

I'm Sick Y'all (and No, Not in the Head)

Sorry for this totally lame, stupid, probably-not-even-worth-reading post, but I just wanted to explain my absence, as I know you're all waiting with baited breath for pictures of me in a dress made of cake!

When I got back from South Carolina, I came down with a bug that's kind of wiped me out over the last few days. I'm working on a few posts, but frankly, haven't been up to writing much. Keep your fingers/toes/Fallopian tubes crossed for me that I feel better soon.

Hugs and Kisses! (now YOU'RE sick!)

And for good fun, here's one of my favorite Jenna Marbles videos of all time (and btw, I DID throw the face in Charleston...quite successfully, I might add).

Tour of Ireland Part II: Galway

Following our eating and drinking binge in Dublin, Kyle and I headed to the other side of the country to Galway for some real Irish countryside sightseeing. But first! My drink of choice for the duration of the trip:

I've always counted myself as a non-whiskey drinker, but after our stuffed dead cat tour of the Jameson distellery, I'm happy to report I downed at least 28 Jameson and Gingers over the remainder of the trip. After a two and a half hour drive across Ireland, you need roughly 7 drinks to calm your nerves. That's just a quick guess, though.

I was excited about Galway since everyone I spoke to about our trip raved about it as their favorite spot. When we checked into our hotel, I realized EVERYONE LIED ABOUT HOW FUN IT WAS!! 

Just kidding!!! Kind of. See, Kyle and I had this awesome trip planned by an agency at all 5 star hotels (many with world class golf courses, but since Kyle and I don't golf and also the weather was totally shitty, what did it matter anyway??), and having just left a gorgeous Four Seasons, I had high hopes for the Glenlo Abbey. Let me count the ways in which said hopes were dashed:

1.) There was no valet. Yes, I'm being snobby, but like I said--FIVE STARS! Why should we have to park our own car, in the rain, at a place that's supposed to be known for its service?

2.) The lobby looked like a 7-11. It was cluttered with old furniture and magazines and they sold  cigarettes behind the check-in desk. I am not kidding:

3.) The shower door was only half-existent. I don't know if this is some kind of Irish thing (although in fairness, we didn't see it anywhere else), but the accordion style shower "door" only unfolded halfway, ensuring a deadly pool of water would collect in JUST the spot you would inevitably step into upon completion of your shower. 

4.) The lighting throughout the hotel was dismal, at best. I probably looked more drag queen-y than usual since I had no appropriate lighting with which to apply my make-up. It felt like something out of The Shining or Amityville Horror. I mean, the fact that Kyle and I even lived to tell the tale is a straight up miracle.

Look, I'm not just trying to bitch here. Okay, well, maybe a little. I'm just telling you this so you don't stay there. Plus, the hotel was about 5 miles outside of the city center which meant any time we wanted to get dinner or go to a bar, we had to hop in a cab. If I were to do it over, I'd rather stay in the G hotel, located in the city center, replete with pink decor and designed by English hat/fascinator-maker to the stars, Philip Treacy. That said, we did see a lot of gorgeous things and meet a lot of fun people.

Our first full day in Galway, we decided to explore the grounds of the hotel and then head out toward Connemara Park to see the sights.

Here's where I told Kyle to "touch" the top of our hotel (and yes, it doesn't look that bad from the outside, but I was just too upset to take pictures of the inside. I just.couldn't.do.it.):

There I am, strolling the grounds mid-twirl, as I'm wont to do. P to the S, it was hella cold and incredibly windy thanks to the remnants of our East Coast hurricane barreling through the country. We braved the elements though and headed toward Connemara Park. We never actually got to the park though because we kept stopping to take in the scenery. It was, in a word, incroyable! (That's 'incredible' for you non-French speakers).

Literally, these views are just on the side of the road, awaiting your awe and amazement. Just be careful about pulling over, as there are no shoulders to speak of on the country roads.

I think what really struck Kyle and me most was how diverse the land was on the west coast. One minute you'd be driving alongside mountains and rivers, and the next, you'd be waiting for a sheep to cross the road. I wish there was a punchline to follow that.

I don't know if y'all realize this, but seeing a herd of sheep on the side of the road was LITERALLY at the top of my list of things to see in Ireland. I need more hobbies.

At this point, I got scared the sheep would attack me and hustled my ass back into our hatcback rental. I can TELL when a wild animal is giving me the death stare. It's like, an instinct. An animal instinct. ZING!

Eventually, we made our way to Kylemore Abbey and Gardens. Basically, some rich people in the 1800's built this place to live and then they died and now it's a nunnery. NUTSHELL.

Oh, and, it's totally gorgeous!!

I thought it was interesting that the gardens are maintained to this day with only plants that would have been available to the family during the time they lived there.

That night (incidentally, being our last), we went for dinner in the city center of Galway. The food was pretty good, but I was most taken with the pitcher of water with mint and fresh orange slices.

The pear tart was pretty delicious too.

We wrapped up the night (and the early hours of the morning) at a college bar with a pretty awesome cover band. And even though they refused to take any of my Lady Gaga requests, we did meet a few Americans who introduced us to this undeniably Irish mixer:

Fruice: It's juice, kind of.

We're off to Adare (outside of Limmerick) next!!