(Intro music of harps and cellos plays gently in the background. Birds and small woodland creatures are scampering around a field of flowers. Here, we spot Melissa. Upon hearing our approach, Melissa flips her head around, washing her neck and shoulders in thick, bouncy waves of red hair. She is surprised, but happy. The birds sing a lovely bird song as they land on her shoulder. The scene is sickeningly Disney. Camera zooms in to a close up of her angelic face.)
Melissa: (softly) Oh, hi. Fancy seeing you here! I've been so busy, what with my blog "CupcakesOMG!" becoming an international sensation. But I'm glad you stopped by.
(Melissa glides across the garden, picking up a lone pink rose, softly smelling its sweet perfume, and holds it as she continues to speak, mice mending her gown for the ball later that night.)
Melissa: You're probably wondering why I call it "CupcakesOMG!" Well, the answer to that is simple.
(The music comes to a screeching halt, like the needle on a record has just rudely been removed. All the loving creatures once hypnotized by her poise and grace hurriedly run off in fear. Camera zooms on Melissa's now very angry/borderline psychotic face.)
Melissa: (yelling) BECAUSE I EFFING SAID SO!!!!
(Suddenly, as though nothing's happened, Melissa continues on her walk. The harp music resumes)
Melissa: (sighing) So, anyway, my blog was born from my obsession with cupcakes. Writing, too, I suppose, but writing isn't the kind of thing you want boys to know you do well. Like asking for directions, a girl being "book" smart is an insult to a man's masculinity. So, mostly, it was because I loved cupcakes. After a year or so, I grew tired with the confines of the cupcake world and realized I had more to share...much, much more. I also realized I had a unique voice to say it in. You see, (Melissa pushes someone she deems inferior from their seat by a pond and sits down) unlike some bloggers who write with a sense of false modesty and a voice sweeter than the revenge Maria Shriver hopes to get, I write this blog with intended snark and Narcissism. My humor is defined by anything that builds me up and puts everyone else down. It's not because I'm insecure; it's because I have a good sense of humor. If you laugh at my blog, you probably do to. You are also likely to be attractive, popular, and have amazing taste. Congratulations, you.
(Melissa gets up, continues walking, littering along the way.)
Melissa: In conclusion, I hope you enjoy your stay here at "CupcakesOMG!", and if you don't, you can suck it. Like it says on my Twitter account, "If you've found yourself here, you're welcome."
Not sure if you and I have the same sense of humor? Watch the videos to find out. If you laugh, you're probably awesome. If not, sorry you suck.
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